Ivory - Comments

I really like the language you use! Words like “pearls” and “moonlight” work well together, and it creates a beautiful image. I like how you mention the corruption of beauty through your third paragraph. I guess that is to do with an eating disorder, and I’m glad you don’t reveal that straight away, it’s kept the mystery and strong imagery of the piece together.

The mystery of the man is brilliant; I like the perspective too of someone recovering. It really shows the power of love, what someone can do to change the way you see the world. I love the way you link the piece back to the beginning with the beautiful imagery continuing. Beautiful.

This is quite good. I found it interesting for all of it's 100 some words. I am somewhat intrigued by how a lot is said in so few words actually. I'll admit, I'm not completely sure I understand what is going on though. My guess is the diagnosis is psychological, like body dismorphia or an eating disorder, but I might be way off. I don't guess that's what is most important though.
Further notes:
This is me. Seven years after diagnosis.
-This, as an opener, just grabs me instantly.
The picture perfect prodigy of porcelain beauty.
-Wow. It's not often I encounter such marvelous alliteration in a serious work.
He took my vanishing body in his arms and saw the milk and pearls in my skin, the silver cells, and the moonlight in my eyes
- I rather like that you repeated that description in such a way. The parallel structure actually made it stronger in a way.
He saw the beauty in the breakdown
-I just love that statement. Everything about it, both sentiment and the words. It's simple, but gutting all at once, or at least it gets to me in such a way.
Ivory chips and alabaster smoke.
-This is an interesting fragment to end upon.

Keep up the good work, dear. :)

So beautiful. I just love it.

When I first clicked on this story, the layout image you used sent a little shiver down my spine, it's quite creepy and haunting looking, and was really interesting to look at, quite different to what's normally on a layout. And the writing, it just matched perfectly. Everything was just so beautiful and haunting, the phrasing was perfect and I could see all the images you described in my head perfectly. The last two lines were just... wow. There is no words I can even find for them, I adored this entire thing. It always surprises me that there's so much talent from so many different people on here :) keep it up :D

First I must say that the layout is amazing. The picture is amazing, the colors you used to compliment it is just on point. It looks so depressing, but elegant at the same time. Most don' know how to pull off a good layout.

The context is a little bunched up though. Perhaps you can make the spacing between them a little larger so the letters above won't run into the ones below.

It's nice how you started the beginning with the porcelain beauty theory, then turned it to a more depressing vibe, giving it the opposite meaning. It went really well with the picture. And then you had a man love her regardless of her cancer (I'm assuming that's what it is) and saw the beauty in her. And it all worked too well with the picture.

But, it does remind me of the story/ movie My Sister's Keeper. Perhaps that's where you got the idea from.

This a really well written drabble. Good job. =)

Contest:

I guess I'll set up a template for judging here, not all will play in and there won't be points for everything but this is just stuff I think about when seeing the piece.

Layout: It's positively lovely and fits the story quite well. :3

Grammar/Spelling/Crap They Teach You in Fifth Grade: Just one.

"Pale eyes with translucent lids couldn’t hide." I believe is supposed to be "Pale eyes with translucent lids that couldn't hide."

Writing Style and Fanciness: Ma gawd, it was beautiful. :DDDD It was just... Jeez. Um. Hm. It never gets old. I've re-read this thing like five times and I love it more each time, it's just so fantastic! Right from the beginning, the story sucks you in because it's just so intriguing and beautiful. BEAUTIFUL. I cannot stress enough how lovely this is.

Nitpicky Me: I can't nitpick this one.

Overall: It was awesome. Great job. :)

This is beautiful. Beautiful.