I guess I'll set up a template for judging here, not all will play in and there won't be points for everything but this is just stuff I think about when seeing the piece.
Layout: It's simple, nice looking. It doesn't jump out. It's just kinda bland. But it's definately not ugly.
Grammar/Spelling/Crap They Teach You in Fifth Grade: I'm gonna go through the chapters and point out some mistakes. I'll put the quote and then the fixed version.
Chapter 1: "He could’ve cared less." He couldn't have cared less.
"The woman was always to be reported as some kind of loon in their town." The woman was always reported as some kind of loon in their town.
"“His eyes had dark holes of nothing, and his grin made a thousand children scream,” she clutched onto her knees as she sat down." "His eyes were dark holes of nothing, and his grin could make a thousand children scream." She clutched onto her knees as she sat down.
"Instead of worrying about her child he wondered what would’ve been on the television, he was fascinated by the talking pictures." Instead of worrying about her child he wondered what would’ve been on the television; he was fascinated by the talking pictures.
Chapter Two: “I’m leaving dad, I’m going to school,” "I'm leaving, dad. I'm going to school,"
"Her toes gently touched the ground as she danced passed her bus stop into the town." Her toes gently touched the ground as she danced past her bus stop into the town.
"The long black hair also danced along with her body to the wind." Her long black hair also danced along with her body in the wind.
"The cool breeze practically lifted she from her feet. She felt like a little girl with the butterflies in her tummy and her nerves killing she." Her, not she. Unless you're going Shakespearean.
"What if the boy didn’t even like she?" Same here, her, not she.
"Sometime it was easier said than done." Sometimes it's easier said than done.
"She still putting herself out there" She was still putting herself out there
"There were business men stressed out. Little girls with pigtails played on the streets outside of their fancy lofts and apartments. Nerdy boys tried their best to flirt with girls they’ve admired since they noticed them from school." There were stressed out business men; little girls with pigtails that played on the streets outside of their fancy lofts and apartments; nerdy boys who tried their best to flirt with girls they’ve admired since they noticed them from school.
"Today it would be different for she." Today it would be different for her.
"His eyes looked up slowly as if he cared less of the girl, which he probably did." His eyes looked up slowly as if he could care less about the girl, which he probably did.
“Not at all,” his voice dragged on the words. She practically clanged onto every little syllable that he pronounced. "Not at all." His voice dragged on the words. She practically clung onto every little syllable that he pronounced.
"The workers prepared to go him, get some sleep, and repeat the boring routine over again." The workers prepared to go home, get some sleep, and repeat the boring routine over again.
“You can come out,” he turned to face the girl. "You can come out." He turned to face the girl.
"Her heart stopped, she couldn’t think of what to do next." Her heart stopped. She couldn’t think of what to do next.
“Sorry sir,” she whispered. "Sorry, sir," she whispered.
“No need, always nice to have an admirer,” he glided towards her. "No need. Always nice to have an admirer." He glided towards her.
"It was fun for him, his father taught him to prey on the weak, they had more sins than he imagined." It was fun for him. His father taught him to prey on the weak; they had more sins than he imagined.
"This one would defiantly make the early morning news when a homeless person comes across her." This one would definatly make the early morning news when a homeless person came across her.
“If it’s any consolation you were the prettiest,” “If it’s any consolation, you were the prettiest,”
Nitpicky Me: Welp, some of your sentences are a little awkwardly phrased. It's like, half of it was... I guess anattempt at obscure poetry and then the other half is a more casual writing style. Y'know? Well, here are just some of the sentences that were a little... different.
"The sound of beauty from flowers crunching was like gentle music." This one threw me for a loop. It's a tad strange, no?
"The coffee house came up closer that her feet hit the sidewalk." This one is oddly phrased as well. I dunno what you were gonna put there, really.
"She grew weak as more of the goo started to spurt from her mind all over him." You might want to use some words other than goo and mind because you already used them. You could try substance and head instead.
Also, the end seemed a little rushed to me. I wouldn't liked a little more discription and information on that scene since it's the most dramatic!
Overall: Well, I certainly don't mean to be such a hard ass. I haven't put anything really positive here. But really, your story was very creative, though the last part of it might be improved if you expand on it and also there could possibly be some more discriptions of the man/boy and how the girl got to the city... Yadah, yadah. Just... crap like that. But, it wasn't bad. Not at all. It was oddly versed at times and there are improvements to be made, but you should keep on writing and keep that imagination going. :) Good job! :D
I guess I'll set up a template for judging here, not all will play in and there won't be points for everything but this is just stuff I think about when seeing the piece.
Layout: It's simple, nice looking. It doesn't jump out. It's just kinda bland. But it's definately not ugly.
Grammar/Spelling/Crap They Teach You in Fifth Grade: I'm gonna go through the chapters and point out some mistakes. I'll put the quote and then the fixed version.
Chapter 1:
"He could’ve cared less."
He couldn't have cared less.
"The woman was always to be reported as some kind of loon in their town."
The woman was always reported as some kind of loon in their town.
"“His eyes had dark holes of nothing, and his grin made a thousand children scream,” she clutched onto her knees as she sat down."
"His eyes were dark holes of nothing, and his grin could make a thousand children scream." She clutched onto her knees as she sat down.
"Instead of worrying about her child he wondered what would’ve been on the television, he was fascinated by the talking pictures."
Instead of worrying about her child he wondered what would’ve been on the television; he was fascinated by the talking pictures.
Chapter Two:
“I’m leaving dad, I’m going to school,”
"I'm leaving, dad. I'm going to school,"
"Her toes gently touched the ground as she danced passed her bus stop into the town."
Her toes gently touched the ground as she danced past her bus stop into the town.
"The long black hair also danced along with her body to the wind."
Her long black hair also danced along with her body in the wind.
"The cool breeze practically lifted she from her feet. She felt like a little girl with the butterflies in her tummy and her nerves killing she."
Her, not she. Unless you're going Shakespearean.
"What if the boy didn’t even like she?"
Same here, her, not she.
"Sometime it was easier said than done."
Sometimes it's easier said than done.
"She still putting herself out there"
She was still putting herself out there
"There were business men stressed out. Little girls with pigtails played on the streets outside of their fancy lofts and apartments. Nerdy boys tried their best to flirt with girls they’ve admired since they noticed them from school."
There were stressed out business men; little girls with pigtails that played on the streets outside of their fancy lofts and apartments; nerdy boys who tried their best to flirt with girls they’ve admired since they noticed them from school.
"Today it would be different for she."
Today it would be different for her.
“Seat taken?” her voice sounded confident.
"Seat taken?"Her voice sounded confident.
"His eyes looked up slowly as if he cared less of the girl, which he probably did."
His eyes looked up slowly as if he could care less about the girl, which he probably did.
“Not at all,” his voice dragged on the words. She practically clanged onto every little syllable that he pronounced.
"Not at all." His voice dragged on the words. She practically clung onto every little syllable that he pronounced.
"The workers prepared to go him, get some sleep, and repeat the boring routine over again."
The workers prepared to go home, get some sleep, and repeat the boring routine over again.
“You can come out,” he turned to face the girl.
"You can come out." He turned to face the girl.
"Her heart stopped, she couldn’t think of what to do next."
Her heart stopped. She couldn’t think of what to do next.
“Sorry sir,” she whispered.
"Sorry, sir," she whispered.
“No need, always nice to have an admirer,” he glided towards her.
"No need. Always nice to have an admirer." He glided towards her.
"It was fun for him, his father taught him to prey on the weak, they had more sins than he imagined."
It was fun for him. His father taught him to prey on the weak; they had more sins than he imagined.
"This one would defiantly make the early morning news when a homeless person comes across her."
This one would definatly make the early morning news when a homeless person came across her.
“If it’s any consolation you were the prettiest,”
“If it’s any consolation, you were the prettiest,”
Nitpicky Me: Welp, some of your sentences are a little awkwardly phrased. It's like, half of it was... I guess anattempt at obscure poetry and then the other half is a more casual writing style. Y'know? Well, here are just some of the sentences that were a little... different.
"The sound of beauty from flowers crunching was like gentle music."
This one threw me for a loop. It's a tad strange, no?
"The coffee house came up closer that her feet hit the sidewalk."
This one is oddly phrased as well. I dunno what you were gonna put there, really.
"She grew weak as more of the goo started to spurt from her mind all over him."
You might want to use some words other than goo and mind because you already used them. You could try substance and head instead.
Also, the end seemed a little rushed to me. I wouldn't liked a little more discription and information on that scene since it's the most dramatic!
Overall: Well, I certainly don't mean to be such a hard ass. I haven't put anything really positive here. But really, your story was very creative, though the last part of it might be improved if you expand on it and also there could possibly be some more discriptions of the man/boy and how the girl got to the city... Yadah, yadah. Just... crap like that. But, it wasn't bad. Not at all. It was oddly versed at times and there are improvements to be made, but you should keep on writing and keep that imagination going. :) Good job! :D