Mama's Fallen Angel - Comments

This was very realistic. I love that ;) You have minimal mistakes and you keep your detail running smoothly throughout the whole chapter. Not to mention, your summary was really well written as well. I can't complain or pick at a single thing, it was really lovely.

Well done!

i like the story, but i sort of feel like your paragraphs are a bit long. it might just be the layout being thin, but it's hard for me to focus on it. i like how it's sort of a unique story - i've never read much with modeling before - and how this guy doesn't seem like a super massive douche. i'm extremely confused as to how he got her number, but i love how skeptical she was. shows she's moderately sane, yanno? it's always nice to see that.

The uniformity of the suburbs was enough to drive any creative mind mad.

That was my favorite line (:

The description in this was so interesting. I really enjoyed reading this just because of the way you described Bobbie, and how her attitude towards her small town "glory" wasn't very...good.

This was just an interesting read, and I'm definitely gonna recc it to some other people. It's just really good.

The banner is awesome looking and the lay out is nice and simple.

I like how you jump right into the story with a good description of your character and what she was doing while giving us a little glimpse of her backstory. She sounds like she has big dreams and it's good that she hasn't given up on them yet.

Wow, I really do love your imagery now because of the drunk man that was giving Jack some problems and the man at the end seemed a bit...creepy?

The end of this chapter has me wondering what will happen next. I loved how you added lots of mystery at the end. I love cliffhangers and yet hate them.

I'll read your next chapter in a few minutes. :)

Thanks for the great read! It was a wonderful start and I apologize for not getting to this sooner. :)

Personally, i like the layout. Its pretty cool if you ask me. I like how you start off with a decent sized chapter and continue to make it even better. I liked the way you wrote this and Im definitely subscribing. :)

The story so far is good. You are very good with description, much better than me, but there is quite a bit of it. Most stories it would make it boring, but it seems to work well for this one.
To be honest, I don't care to much for the main character's attitude in the first chapter. It's not because of how it's written, but just the attitude in general. For example, "Why would I expect any less?” she questioned. She seems a little full of herself. I have problem with liking characters. (: The story is interesting and something I would definitely read.

You've done a wonderful job so far and I enjoyed reading it.

I agree with Lexie Peyton; about the layout; I think that's pretty much the only form of con/crit I can find here. Anyways, onto the review. I like the way you started this off. I had no idea that people still used Aqua Net, snort! Bobbie seems like a pretty awesome character. I really like her already, especially since she's a modelling junkie like me xD I already like Jack as well, but for some reason, I can't bring myself to trust him; he seems all mysterious like that. Not a good mysterious, though. Anyhoo, you've got me hooked here. I'm wondering how everything is going to fall into place for Bobbie. Unfortunately, I don't have the time to read the rest, but I'll do that when I get the time. Amazing job! <3

First of all, I'm not a huge fan of the layout because I find it a bit hard to read but it's not too bad.

For the story, I really like it. Bobbie is an interesting character and I like her style. (: I also like that she wants to make it big but whereas an author would usually make her a rockstar or something you're offering modeling. I really like that.

Your writing is beautiful. Your descriptions and details just make the whole story and I could almost imagine myself in the story. It flowed very well and I didn't see many mistakes which is good.

The only thing that bothered me a bit was how the man winked at her all creepy-like but I'm guessing that she's still going to go work for him just like that. I understand that she wants to become a model but that man was just really creepy.

I still really liked this. You're a great writer!
Great job! <33 (:

Summary page
This is interesting to say the least, the set up is original. The banner shows a lot more then people might think to be honest. I can't wait to start reading it. The background should be a different color though and if you re size the banner to about, 600x440? then you could make the story area smaller and it would look more attractive.

story
I can already see a little bit of attitude in her, as she teases her hair with aqua net. (that stuff really holds btw.) She must be an aspiring actress/or musician. I like her personality, she honestly reminds me of myself in more then one way. I hate uniformity -- it's quite annoying. I wonder whats up with this Jack guy, he seems nice enough for the moment but that could change. Oh she's gonna be a model! I was wrong on both accounts, oh well -- I wonder how this will turn out for her. This story seems to have it's own little spark.

This was neat. I liked the descriptive words a lot, whereas Bobbie was concerned. She seems very in style and chic, to me. For the 90's, anyways. Also, the ending was quite interesting because I mean, what girl says "I guess so" ? That made me smile. You have a way with words, with getting your reader to see the characters clearly. I loved that.

Forgive me if this comment is sort of all over the place, I'm having a rough evening.

Wow, this was amazing.

I can't be sure if I've heard this story or not >,> But I think I have and I think I love it. =3

Your layout is simple and your banner looks really cool. I like it =3

You're so descriptive! I'm jealous! And what I loved most? Perfect grammar, spelling, and punctuation. Your sentence structure was amazing. I adore this story to the max!

I can't critiscize it - it was just WONDERFUL. Like I'm not even joking.

The only thing I can say, is did they have insulated pizza bags back then?
And wouldn't such a large order cost more? 5 large pizzas alone should cost at least 30$ right?

Oh, one last thing! Stories are more professional looking when they don't use numbers - so when you said "$20.50", you should change it to "twenty dollars and fifty cents."

Hope that little thing helped!

(Stolen comment virginity <333)