I really like the title. :) I think it's a very poetic title, and I don't usually care much about titles...but I really like that title. :) I also think you've got a good idea on your hands for a story - I like that there are characters that can be developed, plot lines that can be developed and have dramatic effects, and I like that there's a very apparent consequence for these actions. However, I think it's all too briefly mentioned within this - and if it was a project for school - then that's understandable. But I think if you really wanted to, you could use this as a starting point and start right from the beginning again and make a really neat story out of it. :)
There were quite a few simple errors in the story - and they're just basic proper spelling, capitalization and grammar. So, I'm just going to point them out and suggest what needs to go in. :)
the game, Chicken, but insead - you don't need that first comma in there, the sentence would work better if the only comma in there was after 'chicken.' Also - instead - you're just missing the 't' in that word. :)
skillet the group leader hated the fact that sean - Skillet, the group leader,hated the fact that Sean...
to take his anger out on sean. - capital 's' for Sean.
See what's in the basement u moron. - you
when one of the members sean went inside, the leader of the group skillet terrorized him and sure enough the place was lit on fire with sean inside. - capitalize the 's' for each time the name is mentioned. Also capitalize the 'w' in when because it's the beginning of the sentence.
years passed, and the place - capitalize the 'y' in you because it's the start of the sentence.
boys who had killed sean. - Sean
they ended up redecorating - They
sure enough they saw sean - Sure + Sean
but sean didnt stay dead, sean decided to take revenge on those who had taken his life away. When sean - Sean x3 and didn't
killed their family's as well - families
legend has it when u drive by the abandoned house u could see sean - Legend...you...you...Sean
I think you could try and turn this into a little horror story. :)
August 7th, 2011 at 04:19am
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There were quite a few simple errors in the story - and they're just basic proper spelling, capitalization and grammar. So, I'm just going to point them out and suggest what needs to go in. :)
the game, Chicken, but insead - you don't need that first comma in there, the sentence would work better if the only comma in there was after 'chicken.' Also - instead - you're just missing the 't' in that word. :)
skillet the group leader hated the fact that sean - Skillet, the group leader, hated the fact that Sean...
to take his anger out on sean. - capital 's' for Sean.
See what's in the basement u moron. - you
when one of the members sean went inside, the leader of the group skillet terrorized him and sure enough the place was lit on fire with sean inside. - capitalize the 's' for each time the name is mentioned. Also capitalize the 'w' in when because it's the beginning of the sentence.
years passed, and the place - capitalize the 'y' in you because it's the start of the sentence.
boys who had killed sean. - Sean
they ended up redecorating - They
sure enough they saw sean - Sure + Sean
but sean didnt stay dead, sean decided to take revenge on those who had taken his life away. When sean - Sean x3 and didn't
killed their family's as well - families
legend has it when u drive by the abandoned house u could see sean - Legend...you...you...Sean
I think you could try and turn this into a little horror story. :)