The Long Road - Comments

It's very short but I like it so far. Um, I think you forgot to put a comma or a period at the end of the dialogue, when there is dialogue of course. I liked this, it's something that's usually cliche but I think you have a good twist going here. Well, I did not like one thing. You basically said to be brutally honest so here it goes:

I didn't really like that the lead character was somewhat happy. I don't know if I just saw it like that, but I thought she'd be worried about the new family. I was in a foster home for a couple years (for no reason, literally, just a misunderstanding. I'm back home now with my mummy and it's been almost 6 years) and I never called my foster parents mom or dad. I just loved my family so much that I thought it would be like...like betraying the one I love.

So, I would call them by their name and when I was feeling a little happy, I'd say mommy and then their name. Ex) Mommy Pam. Yeah, that was is. I would never call my foster father dad because he was abusive.

Anyway, I just think that she should feel a little more. She says that she can't wait to see her room, it should be, "The room that I will soon call mine is the last thing on my mind right now,"

Something like that. I'm sorry, I think I'm changing the story around. But, you know. lol. I'm sorry. I really like this though. I'm gonna subscribe to see where it goes. 273 words, lol, in case you were wondering.

I really liked how simple the layout was, but how it added to the summary as it also mentioned a knitted sweater. The summary had a nice amount of mystery to it, but still had interesting information, which I really liked. I also really like the name you chose for her, it's unique, but not too out there, if you know what I mean.

till she took her last breathe - I'm pretty sure this should be 'breath'. But that seemed to be the only spelling/grammar mistake I could find in that chapter, so that's good.
I liked the relationship that's mentioned between her and her mum, but I really would have liked it if you expored it even more, maybe even having a flashback or something. I thought it moved on a little quickly to the new family, but it was still written really well, and I think it's set up to have some really interesting relationship dynamics. Also there's a lot of chances for some good characterization, I think it's going to be really interesting.
know my mother is always around me somewhere, either in my heart or above me. - I thought this line was really cute, and very true. It struck a chord with me, and seemed very sweet and I liked how it had that lightness to it, as well as the sad parts.

The second chapter was really good, but I did notice a few time the tense changed from past to present a few times, and there was a couple of grammar mistakes, such as comma's missing from the end of dialogue, but it's nothing major and all easily fixed if you go over it again or even get a beta reader.
Her fruity cent filled the air, - that should be 'scent'. The only spelling mistakes I've found are ones that are easily mistaken and ones the spell checker doesn't pick up on, I've done the same mistakes before so it should be easily fixed.
I really liked the descriptions, and how you keep bringing her mother back, so she isn't forgetting her, it makes it a lot more emotional, and really interesting. Even though the chapters are short, I still found it a very good read, and a very well written story line, and it looks like it will work out to be a great story :)

Mmm, this is really sad.
The emotion is nice and portrayed well, though, and I'm interested to see where you take it.
I saw a few spelling/grammatical errors but it wasn't anything major.
Good work!

Wow. That was really sad.
I saw a few spelling errors (nothing major) and it was a little lacking in detail.
Overall a good start, and I like the story line so far.
Keep up with it. c:

This was really sad. I'm very anxious to see where you take this. I thought you did a good job, I didn't find any mistakes and I thought your flow was just nice. I feel bad for this boy, but I hope his new parents are nice. I can't wait for your next chapter :D

There wasn’t an explanation on how the cancer started or how long would she have, it was just a simple “You have cancer” and they left her in the hospital bed in till she took her last breathe.

This sentence was a little...off. I believe it'd sound better if "would" and "she" were switched. Also, it's "until" not "in till".

This is really picky, but "she took her last breath" sounds quite repetitive to me in your first chapter.

As a finished wiping the salty droplets on my face, I walk out to my new family.

You switch tenses in this sentence. It should be "walked" instead of "walk".

I glanced up to Carson, who I now call Daddy, and nodded my head I was ready to move on.

It'd sound better if the sentence was structured like this: I glanced up to Carson, who I now call Daddy, and nodded my head. I was ready to move on.

Over-all I think this story is okay. You have an easy-to-read layout and you detail it to the amount where you don't give away everything.

I love this! I low how you set a good foundation for the rest of the story.

In just the short prologue, Skylah seems deep and emotional. The summary was great, it really draws attention. Much better than others I've read.

Mu piece of advice would be to write out a summary of what you want in the story, and don't change it! Stories seem to go cold when authors wing it:)

I can't wait for more!!!

My eyes got a bit watery by the end. It's very emotional. Like I felt this sad pain in my heart for the character. Which is a pure talentnif you can make your readers feel something in such a small prologue.

Oh my. This is kind of sad. My mom had cancer so I can kind of relate to Skylah in a way.
I love the detail and emotion you put into this.
I'm subbing, because I'm curious now. :)

First off Thanks for the story comment :)
I like the layout,its nice. And from reading the comments above it seems like you change a few things.
The summary was kind of short but at the same time it drew me in
The first chapter was short and sad, I like how she's moving forward and not stting around sad.
I can tell this is really going to be a great story :)

This is sad so far.
I would really love to read more and find out more about everything.
So far, it's pretty good.

This is pretty good. It tells a lot without giving away anything. I love the lay out and the emotions you displayed. Well done. :)

After reading aboue comments you must have changed the layout, and the new one is simply wonderful. While it is beautiful, it really sets a tone. Nice job there. The only major problem this has is that there were several misused words and a couple of words left out, but overall wasn't bad. I'd suggest a couple of read throughs for edititng.

Good job :)

Well there isn't much to comment on but I will start with the summary

I wasn't really sure what this story would be about other than a girl going into a foster home after her mother died

In the story the timing confused me a little because they told her she had cancer and it sounded like she die a little while later but then she would visit her mother
then a week after her death she had already been buried.
it also sounds like her grave is in the backyard.

But it does have a very sad tone to it and I'm pretty sure that's what you were going for

I really like your beginning and I think this will go far :)
and I really like your banner

I wasn't sure what the story was about at first when I read the summary but that isn't a problem. Yeah it's about death but death can come as many things. I like how simple your layout and banner is. They fit the mood despite stories about death normally having dark colors. I'm curious, did her mother die the day they told her she had cancer? Or was there a few days or weeks between the dates? The title of your story makes sense now. The grieving process and getting trying to move past a tragedy like this definitely isn't easy. It's nice that the family was willing to take her in as well as a son. Your character is female right? Aside from the banner it sounds like it but I don't want to make a fool out of myself or anything. Simple beginning but I liked it. Nice beginning. =)

This story has such a sad tone to it... It makes me kind of sad and reflective on my own life, as I have lost people to cancer. It's... always hard to know someone died, and I can hear the hopeful tone, hopeful that their mother is okay somewhere else.

I know how that feels.

The only thing wrong with this is a few spelling mistakes, but that won't distract too much from the story, especially because the very sad tone. I mean, you can hear the distance in the main character, too, which is just depressing. I wonder if that hollowness inside the character will be filled up with depression, anxiety or even anger.

Well. It has potential, in any case. So good job. Good luck and happy writings -- I also love the layout...

Yes! You started but why so short ?
It sucks the mom had to die from cancer but I like how Skylah isn't mopping and depressed.She's ready to move forward. I wasn’t afraid to let myself go in to the hands of someone new, I know my mother is always around me somewhere, either in my heart or above me. This was my favorite line . Keep it up :]

It's sad. I like it though, I love how her mothers main message was to stay strong. Love the layout!

I apologize, I agree with toasted turtles here. The dark pink hurts, it's too bright, too sharp. I like the banner though although it could be because I'm a little biased. Hibiscus flowers are a sort of favorite.

The summary reads beautifully although if you readjusted a few things, it would read better.

Now moving in with a foster family, it will be hard to move on. I'll make it through, though. With one last look at her stone I gradually stand up, pull my knitted sweater tighter to my body, and walk out of the cemetery to my new family and my new last name, Skylah Elliott.
I suggest separating these two sentences. Have a little space between her thoughts of how she will make it through and her actual movement of moving away from the tomb stone.

For some reason, I assume that Skylar is lying on her grandmother's grave?

Starting off with the first thing I see - the layout - I'm kind of turned off of the story. It's too bright and not well proportioned. It's rough on my eyes.

The summary, however, is pretty good. I found some mistakes, though, or things that if it were my story, I'd fix. (:

She was gone but her soul was there, left wandering around her tomb stone.
As I lay there, I think of those words she said to me. Now moving in with a foster family, it will be hard to move on. I'll make it through, though. With one last look at her stone I gradually stand up, pull my knitted sweater tighter to my body, and walk out of the cemetery to my new family and my new last name, Skylah Elliott.

Other than a few grammar and spelling mistakes, it's pretty good - just not something I'd be interested in. :)