Hymn For The Missing - Comments

Hi, I'm the new judge for You Already Have It (Pre-Writes) under Mibba's Contest Revival and this is me judging your entry. Thank you for your patience! I comment as I go, so if it's a little disorganized, I apologize.

Holy. You made me tear up and that's actually harder than it might seem. Only a story where emotions are incorporated so easily (not necessarily making them extremely intense or going into extreme detail about them) and bleed like open wounds into the words can really tug at my heart strings enough to actually make that happen. And Jesus, did it. IF you had made it longer with more of those open-wound-bleeding-into-words thing, I probably would have cried, just a little. (I might be a little emotional too so it's not helping). Your story's really short so I really have no idea how you managed to put so much emotion in it with so little words, so bravo to you!

Despite its length (or lack-there-of), your one-shot was written superbly and it was really good. I just really, really wish it had been longer. It's really fine-tuned with little-to-no errors and I'm just impressed at how well it's actually written. I find it really hard to find short one-shots that are less than 1,000 words that are written well and actually good. Again, bravo!

Good luck in the contest!

wow this story was probably one of the best one-shots I've read on here.
You focused a lot on her grief. How she kept remembering things from the past but still made it clear that it was happening in the present.

I also like how you incorporated the lyrics of the song into the story. It fit really nicely and layout showed us what the story would be about.

btw this is your pen pal lol :p

So, as I was reading this I was wondering if the italised stuff was lyrics from the song. Then I read the author's note!
I like how you threw the lyrics in there. I don't know the song, but I really liked this story.
It's dark and very emotional.
You did a great job of describing how this girl was feeling in the story.
Like the part where you said that it was the middle of winter, yet she couldn't feel the cold, that showed how she was truely numb and couldn't feel anything, even physically and not just emotionally.
Great job on this.

the layout was nice, but the text colour was just a little bit hard on my eyes. it wasn't bad though so no worries.

anyway, i like the italics you had, were they the lyrics to the song? i like how you kind of made them into her thoughts as she remembered and walked through the cemetery. atleast, i am assuming that's what you did, i could be wrong, haha.

this line in specific:
It was the middle of winter, but she never felt the cold wind nipping at her face. She had been numb for months.
No pain she ever suffered in life could ever add up to the pain she felt that day.
had a quiet, sad sort of smoothness to it. you wrote it beautifully, really, you did. because those of us from cold states know how cold winter can be, and you found a way to describe it perfectly.

so, yeah. i really liked this. :)

oh, and i love hide and breathe into me by red. :D

:D I did like the layout

But if the writing wasn't in bold and you bolded and also Italiced(Like you already did) the lyrics it would of made a bigger hit factor.

I think I came say I did it too *Raises arm* I do sometimes add lyrics.... because... songs are so amazing some times and your like! I must add these lyrics!

:)
But I think the whole lyric thing worked out. It made it eerie. Also I think that the drunk driving thing and describing the events in order worked well.

It wasn't confusing :) Because it was like a mini story!

To start off, I did like the layout, though the story title was a bit difficult to read. However, it wasn't distracting and the actual story was easy to read, which was nice. As for the summary, I liked how it was just lyrics to the song. It really set the mood to the story and I could tell something bad/sad was going to happen.

Onto the chapter:

She was driving, even though she shouldn't' have been. Extra apostrophe.

Okay, I must say I shed a few tears after reading this. I did not expect, until the very end, that it was her brother who died. I thought it was a friend or boyfriend, but no. Her brother. I think, in a way, the fact that it was her brother was worse than if it were a friend or boyfriend. He was connected to her, and then he's just gone like that.

I can't believe you "pulled this out of your ass". This came out so good :O

Amazing job <3

I thought this story was very good. It's written very well, and the material is very realistic. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to it.

I like the message it holds too. Drinking and driving is a terrible tragedy, one nobody should have to endure. If people would only think sometimes about the consequence of their actions, so many needless injuries and deaths could be avoided.

Oh...oh my. That was way more intense than I expected it to be! I thought it was only a friend the whole time, and yes that alone was devastating, but for it to be her brother...like, my heart literally dropped into the pit of my stomach when I read that. You really know how to pack a punch.

The lyrics that you put into the story fit flawlessly. Absolutely perfect. They didn't take my attention away from the story at all and even the fact that they were italicized wasn't distracting. & I don't know the actual song, but I liked the fact that all the lyrics were questions, as if she's asking herself these questions while she's going through the actions of walking and visiting the grave and reminiscing. Very well done. And they're all in good spots, too.

The part: Why did you go? I had to stay killed me as well. As if she's beating herself up over the fact that she got left behind and that it should've been her.

Definitely a beautiful piece. I loved reading this <3

What makes this oneshot more amazing, is not only how well written it is and how it merges wonderfully with the song lyrics, but just how realistic it is. Halfway through I guessed it was her bro that died. I don't really know how, I have brother sense xD -shot- but it was a beatifully written work and as simple as it was, it was simply brilliant.

~With much love, Apathetic Squirrel

Wow, that was really sad, but yet it does send a message about drinking and driving. It broke my heart to hear it was her brother. If I was her, I don't know how I would live with myself. Over all great one-shot!

This was heartbreaking. At first, I expected the usual dead boyfriend/husband thing but no, she's crying over her brother. No cliches :D of course, it sucks to be her.

You have a nice writing style. The italicized words sent chills down my spine and gave the story an eerie feeling. You did a great job on this :)

I don't think I can leave a real deep comment, because when I read your author's note, I laughed and my depressing mood lifted.

But before that:

Although I don't think I could ever fully understand such a loss, I felt like I could really relate to her pain through your words and the added lyrics were salt on the wound. If I were actually listening to the song (and hadn't read your author's note) I'd probably still be crying as I am typing this comment right now.

I enjoyed reading this.

Shit this was.... wow. I really, really, really like how you put 'her friend' in the story, and then at the very end revealed it was her brother. That is so powerful.
I absolutely adored this. It seemed how whens she was numb, the explanation of what happened was more detached, clinical, and then as she begin to grow emotion, so did the story.
This was wonderful! <3

Hey there. Now first I think the layout is just perfect for the story and based on the song. No to mention in general I really love the layout; complements the story well.

Secondly, I just love his you wrote it. To be honest, I have never something close to this and the way you wrote it. Which if course isn't a bad thing I love it. Especially what you did to the lyrics and how it went with the flow of the story. I thought that was creative.

Third, I enjoyed the story itself. At first I did no understand but as it went on I stared to understand. I loved how it was like the story behind the song; its meaning. In a way. I think the examples were very realistic.

Lastly, there is nothing wrong or constructive I could say. It was well written and an enjoyable thing to read.

Oxo - Morgie <3

I have no qualms about the overall layout. It's plain cut, simple and therefore draws attention to the story rather than everything else. The only thing I'd have to complain about, though, is the colour of you story title. It seems a little too bright, inconsistent with the purples, grays and banner. Perhaps if you made it a darker, less contrasting shade of blue. Or maybe just remove it altogether. It really isn't a big deal though, so don't feel as if you have to change anything.

Despite the fact that your long descript is really just part of the song, it sets this dark, lonely, sad tone to the entire story. I love that.

She had been numb for months.
^ This is a wonderfully short introduction into what's happened.

No tears stained her cheeks; She had no more to cry.
^ There's no need to capitalize 'she' after the semi colon, unless you had meant for it to be a separate sentence. Then you'd probably need to replace that semi colon with a period.

Okay, your little inputs of the italicized thoughts/lyrics/emotions just made me go GAAAH. That was a lovely combination of thought and action. I love writers who can do that! <3

After that it's all a blur.
^ I find this sentence odd for some reason. Maybe if you removed the contraction, or added a comma between the 'that' and 'it's?' I dunno.

"She was drunk" one said.

"We can't let anyone know that she was" Said another.
^ Grammatical errors. Comma should go in after 'drunk' and 'was.' "Said" doesn't have to be capitalized.

No one deserved to die. Especially not her brother.
^ I wanted to cry by the time I reached this ending. I just ...

That was so sad, and beautiful, and sad. =[

This was a wonderful read from a talented writer. Kudos to you.

This was really beautiful. The verses in the beginning are freat and they really set the mood for the story. I think if you had credit for the layout, song and images and then left just the verses in the summary it would have made it much more mysterious. Or sa or both which still would have been as good as it is now. I was almost hoping when I finished reading that maybe it would have been continued for one more chapter or even two. If it was it probably wouldn't have been as meaningful so I like it better as you have it. At first I thought the girl was grieving for her lover or a friend for school; I wasn't expecting it to be her brother. Having it be her brother that was lost adds to the emotion you pulled out of each word. I like how the lyrics don't feel like they've been forced to flow with the story. There's a clear connection between them.

I really like the layout. It's the first thing I see and it draws me in.

The little poem in the description is fabulous. Did you write it? If you did, props to ya'.

No tears stained her cheeks; she had no more to cry. The 's' in 'she' shouldn't be capitalized. :)

"She was drunk," one said.

"We can't let anyone know that she was," said another.

By the ending, everything really pulls together. It's so sad and it makes me shake, having gone through this, almost. It was really, really good.

Okay, so let me start with the layout. The background and header is fine, but the text color is way too dark. I think you should have a lighter one, for it to look better and be easier to read. Also, the purple color for the chapter title doesn't really fit in with the rest of the layout. And also, I don't know why all the text is bold?

No tears stained her cheeks; She had no more to cry.
- You shouldn't capitalize "she".

She was driving, even though she shouldn't' have been.
- Why is there an extra ' after shouldn't?

"She was drunk" one said.

"We can't let anyone know that she was" Said another.
- You need a comma after "she was drunk" and one after the other piece of dialogue, but "said" shouldn't be capitalized.

Overall I think it's a beautiful concept for a oneshot, and it's definitely got potential. The flow is however disrupted by the new paragraphs you start when there shouldn't be one. It feels like you've written a poem, and it just doesn't fit in my opinion, just makes it choppy to read. I also wonder why she was let off the hook if people knew she'd been drinking and driving. She should've faced some serious troubles with the law for that. Most of the time your choices of words are good, but at other times it feels a bit awkward. It's a good enough piece for a oneshot, but if it was chaptered I wouldn't have the patience to continue reading. Good work though.

That was actually really, really sad.
You could tell how close they were, and how she blames herself for his death. You could practically feel the guilt radiating off of her.
This would make an amazing chaptered story, if you went on with what happened in her life after she started getting over it, you know? ;3
But I didnt see any errors in spelling or grammar. In my opinion, the font was a little hard to read with the colors on the background, but it wasnt that big of an issue.
Seriously, good job :3

Wow. I love how you wrote this. I'm guessing they are lyrics, but that really made it pop. I really love this story. It's amazing how you just pulled that out of your ass. Hahaha.

"No one deserved to die. Especially not her brother." That was just mind blowing. Very good.