Turtle - Comments

I really like your story but there are a few things that I think would help. The layout really hurt my eyes- no offense intended- because it was just a bit too bright. To sit and read through to whole story so far, it was a bit too luminescent for me. Another idea would to get a proofreader to look over chapters before you post them just so you can cut down on spelling and grammar mistakes. I really like what you've written so far though and Trevor is actually quite well written... although he is a complete and utter twat... whoops, bad language xD oh wells, I can't help but tell the truth. And referring to her as a turtle? I think that was awesome :L well, bye for now :3
Ellie x

Improvements!

I'm such a happy panda. If you compare chapters four through six to chapters one through four, there were SO many improvements. I'm so happy (^_^).

That said, it may be in your best interest to edit the first couple of chapters, so you won't discourage any new reader that happens to come along. And I'm still waiting on that new plot element.

Will you surprise me again next time around?

Basically, what some people have been saying, there is very little detail to tell us what's going on and it's kind of hard to understand the story as a whole. Maybe get a Beta Reader for grammar and stuff.

The entire story seems a bit rushed.

The layout is a little bright too. Yea. Sorry if it seems a bit rude. I'm not trying to be but I'll continue reading it. :)

the layout is very easily read; thats good :)
of course there is a slutty girl :/ just ugh.
haha all girls are skanky at heart; i like that
she's a turtle..not a girl? not a good move on trevor's part xD
he's such a dick! i'm sorry but its true!
who says that to someone? its so rude just ugh :/
and he's mean to his friend (sorta?) too. just gosh someone needs to slap this boy
overall i liked this but you were missing a few commas and the paragraphs shouldn't be mushed together like that
all over? pretty good job :D

Trevor is an *ss. And Eve is right. He's an idiot. -.- I don't like him. But the fact that I have any opinion about him means you're writing your characters well! :D They definitely seem realistic. Flawed, but not overly so. Which is excellent. :) And I love Wut. Eve is chill, as well.

I love the layout, too! It makes me think of an aquarium. And turtles. Obviously. That's an interesting insult, by the way. Haha, turtle... I'd use that one if it didn't apply to me. :3

So anyway, great job! Maybe go a bit slower, but besides that, it's an excellent story so far. :)

To start off, while I am not a *huge* fan of the layout, I do like how the colors go very well together, with all the blues, and it is certainly readable which really is all the matters in the long run. As for the summary, I'm very interested in the interaction between Trevor and Eve, and why he suddenly calls her "Turtle" (because she acts like one, I'm guessing? :P haha).

Onto the first chapter:

Before I get really in depth, I do want to point out the lack of double spacing paragraphs in the beginning, though you do it a bit afterwards. Having each different paragraph double spaced is nice, and easy on the eyes. Also, you have this thing with starting all your sentences at the beginning with "I". I did this. I did that. While there really isn't all that much wrong with it, a variety of sentence-starters sounds a bit more professional and is smoother to read :)

"Hey Trevor" she said letting her jean bag fall to the floor, I'd never seen her without that dumb bag that seemed almost worn to perfection. Comma after 'Trevor' and semicolon instead of a comma after 'floor'.

(Actually, seeing as I'm noticing a pattern, there should be some sort of end mark at the end of all sentences, dialogue included. Commas are recommended, but I tend to use periods once in awhile.)

I scanned the room to, without any luck of spotting her. 'to' should be 'too' or 'also'

I picked grabbed my trombone and played "Final Countdown" the piece I was playing for our chair challenge in band tomorrow. 'picked' is unnecessary haha:)

There were a few more mistakes, but those ones were the only grammar/spelling that really jumped out to me (that, and you kept forgetting to capitalize Wut's name). Otherwise, I must say that the story itself is quite intriguing so far and I like Trevor's character even though he isn't all that kind, to say the least. I think there is potential in this idea, if the minor mistakes get taken care of and I am definitely bookmarking this :)

Good luck you two! <3

You've got tons of potential for an absolutely lovely story and I found this to be really cute. I think it'd be even better if you added a little more detail and really made the reader feel and see what you're seeing in your mind as you create this story. That's the best part of writing a story - basically transferring your words / thoughts / feelings to the reader. I wish you the best of luck with this story and I'll be keeping an eye on it. :)

First of all: BAND GEEKS ANONYMOUS!!!!

Ahem. Just had to get that out of my system. (The first chapter brought me back to those days)

Second: I loved the summary and the idea behind the story but I don't appreciate that you started off in Trevor's point of view, that caught me all of guard. I would point out the grammar and capitalization mistakes but by the time I reached chapter four, most of those problems were tamed.

Third: Trevor's a jerk, a scrawny little 5'2" jerk. I don't like him. And I also think his point of view doesn't do the story any justice. That's just my opinion. I like it much better when the story focuses on Eve / Turtle (I like that nickname) her wallflower life, and her problems.

Fourth: So far, the only plot element I've seen is that Trevor is trying to get to Stacy through Eve. Although this story does have a bucket load of potential, that by itself isn't stable enough to hold this story. So I'm excited to see what you'll bring in later.

By the way, I'm subscribing, cause I'm a very loyal Panda you see.
I'm looking forward to the next update.

I'm not a big fan of thr layout. Your story has potential. Improve your grammer, and seperate the paragraphs correctly. You have to double space whenever you start a new paragraph, even if you're starting dialogue. Kind like this

"Blah blah blah." Said whoever.

"Yagta yahta yathadghjdk!"

Its good though. The idea of it.

Hey there! Ha, I've got the story opened on another tap and the way I like to do comment swaps is give you my personal opinion on each chapter and everything. I'm not the type of girl to point out, like grammar problems; being a girl who makes plenty herself. And spelling errors, I don't get into either. So alrighty, here I go...

Layout I think the layout is really simple and rather nice. Sometimes people over do it, and I think your background is very good. Simple and represents the story as far as I've read very well. Plus the coloring is quite nice, not to hard to read, but not boring. I like it, very much actually.

Summary I like how the summary is worded. I think it shows how a lot of teenage girls are going through, if I just say. I love the doors that it opens and the story lines that could and could not come up. Which keeps the reader wanting more.

Chapter One I like the first chapter, I think it's a good one. I like the whole 'idea' of the story. My only concern, is that you don't properly separate the paragraphs and the dialogue. Sometimes it's hard to read and people will get annoyed. But otherwise, it's very well. And well, the characters seem promising and it's just really great.

Chapter Two I like, also, the idea. I think there is much potential. I also think there is a little need to improve it a big more. Though, as it looks like it happens to be a different author. But I'm saying I don't like the chapter, I really like it. And it in a way keeps people wondering what will happen in the third chapter.

Chapter Three The spacing and everything is much better in this one. To be honest. And it is short, but it's really good. Anyways, I really do happen to like it, it's really interesting.

Like I said, I'm not one to comment and talk about grammar things, and everything. But, I do really like the story. It's enjoyable.. Anyways, sorry for the long comment. I hope I helped a little bit!

Please update soon, and keep working on it. I'm so subscribe to read more. Update soon, love.

Oxo - Morgie <3

I will subscribe and hope for carefully plotted chapters :)

You seem to rush into your story leaving little detail and effort with words.

Also, you make quite a few dramatically mistakes in your story that cam easily be fixed if you go back through and read it.

Try slowing down and give me some detail so I have ablest image in my mind :)

This story has potential. You just need to give some push :)

I liked it but the last about 3 lines made no sense to me. You have a rushed kind of style so maybe just try and look it over about 3 times and add some detail. But it was pretty good other then that.

I don't like the layout, you have some grammar errors, but I like where this is going and there is potential to it, i strongly beleive you should ask for a beta?

Well, I didnt like the layout to much, first of all. Ant there were a few errors in your grammar I sae. You also explainded things more then showed them, if you get what I mean. But it has some potential.

The idea is good, I think. You just cant rush into things & try and make it a little less confusing with use of capitilazation and punctuation. But like I said, the idea is cute.

the story has potential, but you do make a lot of grammar mistakes. most of them are easy mistakes, but usually you have to look out for them.

"Girls are at least a little skanky at heart" I said to Eve Sommers.
all you missed was a comma at the end. "Girls are at least a little skanky at heart," I said to Eve Sommers. whenever you make the transition to tell who is speaking you NEED the comma or some sort of exclamation or question mark. if you don't then it seems like your quoting something within a quote.

for the first chapter it was a lot more dialogue than it was description. finding a balance between those two is crucial.

make sure you also end your sentences of dialogue with a period if it is a statement.
"Mean of you to call Eve that"

i'd love to see this story continue, but description and grammar are two essential components to any story. like the comment above said, you can't rush things. everything becomes jumbled and readers will not understand anything.

please keep writing, though. i'm sure your story will go far if you just fix those things.~

So here I am to read your story, and I did so. It was such a short piece I read it really quickly, hah-hah. And because it's so short, I can do this pretty quickly.

You have a -really- fast writing style, so fast, that even your "telling" explanations make little to no sense. Throughout the entire chapter I was utterly confused -- I had no idea what was going on or why it was going on. A story like this has potential, but you can't just use abuse that potential and rush everything into the first chapter.

With the girl "Turtle", her story has to be explained through characterization along with Wut's story. You can't just state everything in one confusing sentence, you have to treat each character like they are their own individual person. Because characters and their conflicts is what enhances a plot and makes it better to the reader.

When you switch a scene, you should really show what's going on, or give us some basic overview or a reader will be -very- confused. I don't understand why the main character is so immature, either, screaming things like that about her friend. You need a lot more indirect characterization, it'll really help the story. So, good luck and happy writings. (:

Nice story you got going here! I can't wait for more:)