Velvet of Desire - Comments

Comment Swap brought me here!

To start off with, I really like the simplicity of your layout. I'm usually more prone to read stories with flashy layouts and beautiful banners, but sometimes less works, and I think it really does for this particular story.

Second, the names you've chosen for your characters are very unique. I don't think I've ever heard a girl called Connor. And with Lucien, I've only ever heard that in the Underworld series, so that's pretty unique, as well.

Onto the actual story, I'm kind of agreeing with what some of the commenters below have said. Your structure is a bit choppy. At some points, I found myself all over the place and trying to keep up with what was going on.

Besides that, I really like your idea. It's not something you see every day, and it sort of seems like an "opposites attract, star-crossed lovers" type deal. Those kinds of stories always intrigue me. So, aside from the critiques I mentioned, this seems like a really promising story.

Keep up the good work!

I just am blown away by your imagery. The first sentences of the story are very descriptive and really give the impression that you honestly know a little something about Ireland. Also, I am a huge fans of boyish girl names. So the fact that the main character's name is Connor really melts my heart. I just wanted to post a comment before I get too far into the story. But so far so good!

@ Super.Midget
I thank you for your criticism. I put my work on here to receive critique so I can better my story. I have currently stopped writing on Velvet for the time being so I can go back and rewrite it. When I reread it I even confused myself and felt that it lacked something. So I appreciate your input. I'm an aspiring author and Mibba is my way of drafting. I like to write what I want then go back and add and explain. I know it is confusing lol. I have a weird system, but I assure you it will be better this next go around. Again thank you for your criticism. It makes me happy that someone actually takes the time to read and point out what I did wrong instead of telling me it's a good story and be done with it. I also like for people to take the time to do the comment swap instead of just glancing and leaving a random comment that doesn't justify anything that I'm doing. It's quite refreshing to get criticism. ^^ It means that you actually read my story and to me criticism is the best compliment.

I came to this story from comment swap, and have read up to chapter 5 so far, so any observations about plot that I may make in this comment that will be resolved or have been resolved in a later chapter can be taken with a grain of salt.

I like the premise. An Irish-born girl returns after a life of living in the US and gets back to her roots - that's nice and original. Her house is being occupied by an almost-too-perfect-but-possibly-not-so-perfect buff, tanned Italian man, and she's going to be living with him. Okay. I get that romance is often idealised, so that's fine too. She's finding out she loves her roots, and so is Henrich. There were a few things that kind of struck me as odd, though, and while you read this list please take into account the fact that I do like this story - this is critique, and not a list of hellish condemnations.

Lucien is a little too perfect; he is intelligent, fit, tall, friends with everyone, charismatic and single. There was this thing about how he was doing this whole thing with Connor for someone he lost, and an offhanded remark by Aedan that light-heartedly pointed it out, but it being so early in the story (I still have 7 chapters to go), I can't say if you've elaborated on these potential plot points any. Take it with a grain of salt. His colours might change in the next chapter for all I know and he might gain some depth.

Henrich fell in love way too fast. This wouldn't bother me with the genre being what it is, but Henrich has been in Louth for a *week* and he's sure that Aedan is "the warmth he's been looking for". And he fell in love way too fast with the *first* gay man he met in Louth - I mean, it's great the gays aren't being beat up on in Louth, but having the two gay characters pair off from the moment they see each other stings a bit. Unless Aedan's attraction is part of the conspiracy brewing in Lucien's mind and things are being set up for massive betrayal - then it would kind of make sense. Don't know - grain of salt, again. Henrich also uprooted his life and decided to become a citizen in Louth pretty damn easily as well. Does he not have any friends, family or connections in the US that he might miss?

Everyone empathised with Connor immediately in chapter 4 when she mentioned her neglected childhood. I feel sorry for her, I do - but the 'my parents didn't love me' bit came out of left field and actually made me stop reading and check I hadn't accidentally skipped a paragraph. It came up nearly unprovoked, and *everyone* just went with it. Lucien even felt her pain - he's really shaping up for man of the year. What I'm saying here is that it was a rather jarring tonal shift in the text that didn't seem to affect any of the characters that might have noticed. Maybe this 'my parents didn't love me' bit could have been better executed as one of Connor's thoughts, translating externally into a bit of a mood dip that draws Lucien's concern?

And this is less about the story, but as another comment mentioned, I had trouble staying engaged in your writing sometimes because of your sentence structure. While some were longer and others shorter than each other, most of them were roughly the same size and nearly always simply punctuated with a full stop. Mixing up the length of your sentences will make things flow easily and the 'words' will end up being more invisible. Therefore the text will become more engaging and the chapter will be over before the reader knows it - that momentum will carry the reader into the next one!

That's all the structural critique I can really offer at the moment.

On a spelling front, in the first chapter there is an instance of 'clumb', which isn't a word - I think you meant 'climbed'. In a couple of places throughout the next chapters, there are a few instances of 'should of', instead of 'should have' or 'should've'. I also saw 'it's' (short for 'it is') in place of 'its' (denoting ownership), and vice-versa in some places, but that's a really easy error to miss in editing.

Connor and Connie's names are also very similar, but that's more of a "Well, duh" moment because Connor is named after Connie. It just gets confusing to read when they're both talking and you're referring to each of them only by name, rather than mentioning Connie as 'her grandmother', or 'the older Callaghan'.

That's all I think I can say though. I'm sorry this comment is so long, and I hope you didn't take it as needless complaining - it's critique, and something that I enjoy receiving very much because it allows me to enhance my stories in the future.

I do like this story, and I'll be reading to see where it goes. I hope you enjoyed this comment.

Hi! Here from comment swap.
Your plot was interesting, not like most I see on this site, but at the same time my interest was diminished by a few things. Your layout really has no relevance to your story, it makes me think of a Barbie Disco party, not an Irish fairytale. Also, your sentence structure is very lacking. I found it incredibly difficult to... stay focused and stay engaged in your story. The summary just gave me.. too much information but not enough at the same time. Too much of the wrong info, and not enough of the right. It helps if you try reading other people's stories, deciding what you like and don't like and what's wrong and what's right, that always helps because when you become familiar with that, you know what to avoid when writing and what to include. Thanks!
keep it up :)

Wow, this story was really interesting. I was sucked in from the summary and the plot seemed to be very original. Lucien was so much like my cousin and I found it nice to be able to relate to a character like that. I also loved how much detail you put into it. It was easy to imagine what you were writing about. Points for having a unique setting. I'd be psyched to read more by you. You have a great amount of potential. Keep up the great work :)

Hello there. :) I was brought to your story from comment swap and I'm glad I did. I kind of like the layout. This was very well written with a few writing mistakes here and there but nothing too major. Your descriptions are excellent and your characters are brought up pretty well. Use space bar between dialogue because you made me confused a little bit and put more detail into their relationship because as the others said it feels rushed. I'm wondering how your characters will keep developing. That's all. Xd

Your layout is pretty... Just at first glance I expected a space related story rather than one set in the country side!

I get a bit confused at times reading the dialogue, when you've got two or three people speaking in one paragraph it throws your reader off; I'd suggest keeping it to one speaker per paragraph, maybe setting the others to their own lines. At some points it was a bit confusing in your first chapter as to if it was Henrich or Lucien speaking.

Also places like. "Lucien laughed. "You're cute." He said and winked. "I"ll go get my wallet, and meet you at the car then."" Drop down to a new line after "You're cute." and continue with "He said and winked." There. It'll help your dialogue look less like a paragraph and more like it's supposed to.

The concept of this is fantastically adorable and I love that it's set in Ireland, such a refreshing change of pace for a story. Henri and Connor's friendship is truly charming. You can tell they care about each other and wouldn't let anything happen to their dearest friend either. I think they're a precious little duo, and he's just a sweetheart for going along with her.

I just feel like Lucien is falling perhaps a bit too fast for Connor; crushing is one thing, all out "She was the fire burning in his heart." By the end of the second chapter with only such little interaction between the two doesn't quite seem.. plausible? I'm sorry! I'm not trying to be rude, it just feels very very sudden.

Overall you have a lovely concept here though, and I certainly see interesting things going on between your two love interests. Best of luck with this!

Comment Swap is the reason I came across your story and I'm glad. Your story is written so well and I love the thought behind it. I found myself not being able to stop reading, it's so great. Also I love the layout, it's not over complicated and it's so pretty. I can't wait to read what happens next, you've gained a new subscriber! :)

Comment swap sent me here :)

Finally, a story that isn't set in America! Major points to you for having it set in Ireland, my favourite country apart from Scotland! I love the layout, it's so simple, but such a beautiful colour. I like the initial summary, it gives away enough to keep you reading, but not enough that you feel you know both characters without reading on.

The first thing I noticed when I started reading was how lovely your writing is! Your descriptions flow beautifully, and you aren't making many (if any) grammar mistakes. You have a really lovely style of writing, so easy to continue reading! The idea for the story itself is also nice. I've seen a lot of 'girl moves, girl meets guy, girl falls in love with guy' stories, but there's just something different about this one. The only thing I could find in the first chapter was a slight error (or maybe it's just me). Where it says 'Connor would of found', I think it should be 'Connor would have found'. It's maybe a dialect issue, but it just didn't sit right when I read it.

I've only read through the first chapter just now, but I really do think I will be reading on. You've got a fabulous thing going here, keep up the good work! :)

Hi there, I'm from the lovely comment swap (:
Your layout is simple, but I like it. It definitely caught my eye. Your summary didn't particularly interest me, however there's nothing wrong with it. I just have a short attention span unless I'm really hooked on something. The story itself is fine, I love the character of Henri. He's definitely a keeper and he's very entertaining. I like the setting, you do a very good job with it. Connor is an interesting name for a girl, and I really like it. It gives you individuality. I only read the first chapter so far, however I may be back to read the rest as the obviously bubbling romance has me interested!

I really like this story, which is odd, because I’m not usually a fan of straight romance. (I like slash.) Anyways, I love the name Connor for a girl, and Lucien is the name of my diary, oddly enough. I like that the story was set in Ireland, and your choice of words were very impressive. I have to admit to skimming through a lot of the story because it did bore me at times, but you brought it back with more interesting..ness. Ha ha, the story was very well put together, and I look forward to reading more from you.

I do like that it's set in Ireland, especially since that's so close to my home in England and a place I've always wanted to visit.

Your descriptive writing is really good and your vocab and grammar is excellent.

I have to say I found it hard to concentrate on the story, it's not something I would usually read though it is very good for those who enjoy these sort of things. If you want me to read through this entire story though (I will admit I have skimmed quite a bit) and give a more thorough review I will:)

I'm so glad that this story takes place in Ireland! It's the first time I've read one with this setting, and with a girl named Connor! So I'm thinking that this story is very promising from only the summary. (:

Henrich seems like he's going to be a good friend already! Awww, he reminds me of one of my friends who's like "Nope I don't care what you said I will be there in two minutes."

I feel bad for Connor. That's a lot of loss to deal with at one time, and I can't even imagine it. ):

Also one thing that I noticed while reading through the first chapter was you changed the spelling of Lucien a few times. It was either that way (I'm assuming that's the correct way since it's spelled that way in the summary) or it was Lucian.

I loved the last line of the first chapter! Because Henrich totally knows what's going to happen before either of them do. That's usually how it is, too. The best friend always knows it. It's so weird how that happens.

Over all, I thought this was really great! Really well written and only the name spelling changing as a mistake. I didn't see anything else to offer.

It was a nice read. (:

Comment Swaperino!
I never met a girl named Connor before, that was original! I love that it's about Ireland, I'm tired of United Stated. No offense to American people. I love the way you give out details in a way that I can picture everything in my mind but it's not like you spend an entire chapter describing the tiniest thing, it's just perfect amount of description. Very well written!

Awweh! Just started reading and I already adore Henrich. :3 He's amazing.

Also, yeah, sent here from comment swap blah blah blah yada yada yada. I'm just getting this out of the way now so that my Comment Swap page is free. Lol. Totally have a feeling that this story is going to be amazing! <3 I'll most likely comment a ton on it. :D So don't let the fact that this comment is just to get things out of the way bother you. I'll have much more to say once I've read more. :P

Comment Swap.
So I thought that your story is really good. Well written and organized, also your characters are well described something that I can’t do with mine. I always have trouble on this. Keep up the great writing and also if you have any writing tips I would appreciate it.

i really like this. it seems really fresh and the style with which you write is really something. the way the characters are introduced is great too, and the dialogue flows well, and sounds realistic. awesome stuff, i really enjoyed reading it! <3

-Comment Swap-
First off I'm from Ireland woo!
I didn't read that much of your story cos it's not my type but the way you describe everything and put stuff into detail was great. You didn't rush into anything, you stretched it out. Yeah it was good but not my type.

I perused the chapters a bit and I really quite like what I see. It's such a fresh and unique idea for a story, it's really something. I think you could stand to be a tad more descriptive here and there, maybe find a thesaurus to spice up the vocabulary. Otherwise, Velvet isn't quite my cup of tea, but you have an interesting cast and a thorough story, so I'm curious to see where you'll go from here. Really great job.