The Impossible - Comments

Yeah... I like this, so update soon ?! :D

tonic seems to have pretty much everything down. But since then I see you've made improvments on it.

Good that you've only covered basics of what the girls were wearing (and let Polyvore do the rest. Love the outfits btw :P). Personality is still a little hazy to me, but maybe when John and "Cassy" meet, would their personalities show more? Also seems to me Blair is kinda concieted ("I felt hot.")

All in all, I feel this can have potential. Just work on the tenses, some spelling/grammar. Looking forward to the next update! :D

Not the strongest of beginnings. Are you writing this as journal entries? Frankly, the majority of the people will stop reading at, "I'm tall, curvy...". An introduction is vital on a website like this, people can easily click 'Back' and read someone else's story, which is why it's so important to capture the reader's attention, rather than letting them think, "Oh, it's one of those stories".

A better introductory line could have been, "My name is Blair and I have surpassed every goal I have ever made." Then, as the story progresses, reveal details about your character's appearance. Also, don't be scared to give your character imperfections. Calling her a "Typical teenage girl" after describing what society would find beautiful is a little contradictory.

You tend to switch from present to past tense. Read over what you've written aloud so that you can avoid such mistakes.

I know it's fun to pick out character's outfits and what make up they're wearing, but it's also rather pointless. No one cares. If you really want to describe her outfit, just go over the basics and move on.

I'm a little confused as to who Blair truly is. She describes herself as being typical, yet suddenly she's extremely confident and beautiful. You've desribed her appearance, pet peeves and favourite subjects, but it's only a shallow outlook, you need to delve a little deeper.

I probably sound like a complete bitch at some points in this critique, however this was not intended to offend you, only help you. Good luck.