All Hallow's Eve - Comments

@ Maddy18
I havent worked on this in so long. I might try and work on it at some point, but for now it's on hiatus. I'm glad you enjoy it though! :D

Please please please keep going with this story

I love it. Its sick and twisted and I wanna read more

I....I have finally met someone as sick and pervesed as I am. Well..I dont kill people...But I write disturbing storys none the less....his story is straight up aMAZING!

There just aren't words appropriate for this.
(Have I ever told you how much I hate clowns?)

That was great! I reread the whole story and I have to say the "you only have so long until the lights go out" line...amazzzing. Such a simple line but it totally brings out the fear in me. So happy you updated! :] Keep writing! I am dieing...eh bad taste of word for a horror story but alas, yes I am dieing to see where this story goes! <3

Post more before you forget. More more more!!!!!!!!!!! I crave for something else to happen I'm having a geekasm in my room right now.

Oh. My. God.
This is so amazing.
The woman in the room with the whole ribcage thing really freaked me out.
I'm going to be having nightmares tonight.

Can't wait to read more!
I love Sean Patrick Flannery <3

Chapter One
cotton made spider webs, which sported small plastic bugs here and there. - that first comma isn't really needed. :) It makes sense without it, flows better without that break.

bags and excepted candy. - expected or accepted?

down and get comfortable, when her phone began - you also don't need a comma there. :) It breaks up the sentence as if the second part's going to be continued to some kind of further sentence conclusion. But it doesn't quite work like that.

out her high cheeks bone and 's' goes on the end of 'bone'

watching a good old horror movie."She whispered - comma and lower case 's'

the ones she has now, - had now or had then - keep with the tense.

after securley locking - securely

mouth to stiffle her laughter. - stifle

to me."Lee giggled - comma

with blood."Elizabeth - comma

boney hips pertruded from - protruded

was a button up, white blouse, - you don't the comma there

If no one in the bar could see how red her cheeks were by now, than they must be blind. - not necessarily true, because alcohol mixed with a bar creates rather flushed faces. And if she's on a stage, it might be less noticeable. But if you want to keep that sentence there, then they must have been blind. Keep with the tense.

decency for starring and - staring

and gave him yet another, smile. - also don't need a comma there.

You new?"He asked. - lower case 'h'

giving this new aquaintence a try - acquaintance

friendly."Elizabeth - comma

For a first chapter, it was good for what it needed to do. You introduced the main characters - Elizabeth and her three friends and their past relationship as friends as they were growing up and how they all stick by each other. That kind of says something for what may happen in the rest of the plot. I felt, though, that they didn't seem like thirty year old women - they seemed like 20-mid 20 year olds, I just think it's the way it's written and the fact that we don't quite know much about their job status and all those extra little things that really differentiate between ages. But I do like that they're not some teenagers or typical mid-20 year old women. :) I just think it needs a little more work to make it seem like they're thirty.

I think it's interesting that the father was killed on Halloween and that this is the reason Elizabeth doesn't feel much for the holiday any more. It makes sense that something equally horrid might happen to her, and it makes sense that the next few days are All Saints and All Souls Day. There's just that slight element of the spiritual world, even if it's not like hey, I'm the ghost of your father! kinda thing - it's just there and it feels like it's rather important for now. :)

Chapter Two
There is one thing that's kind of bothering me throughout the chapters, and that's when you italicize places and things of the like. It's really not necessary, and it doesn't do much for the words either. haunted house should just be haunted house - unless it's the name, then it's Haunted House. But don't italicize places or things of the likes...Same goes for the bold text of street names and such, it serves no purpose.

home."Lee yawned - comma

anything."Elizabeth giggled quietly. and "I was up for this."She smirked. - commas instead of full stops.

room."Keri cackled."I'm - comma

we did."Keri sighed. - comma

"and follow it past - capital 'a'

to a skidded slow before taking - I think this is meant to be 'halt' not slow.

wow as she starred off at - stared

kid friendly."Keri mocked. - comma

the outside."Elizabeth gave - comma

to give her a intent glare, - an not 'a'

she had been caught starring, - staring

you'd come."Norman snickered - comma

normal candles or inscence - incense

weery mood for a haunted house - weary?

It made her a little nervous, as she wondered why that was needed for something like a haunted house. - this sounds kind of odd for her character. She used to love Halloween right? So, that's a good twenty years or so of knowing about Halloween. And if she was so intrigued by it, then all these little devices to scare people would be known to her. You'd think that her character might be brushing it all off as scare tactics rather than the real thing - and that's where the shock would be - not someone who has had at least twenty years of Halloween experience...still shocked and worried about a simple smell. The characterization feels a little off here.

Elizabeth felt a wave of chills roll up her spine as scenes of her favourite horror movies flashed through her mind. - see, this is more like it. It's the horror films that give her the chills, not Halloween. This feels more like the character. :) And it's a nice description too.

"Like it?"He asked.

"It's real."Elizabeth whispered.

"Yeah. It took a lot of time."He stepped - last two need commas, first one needs a lower case 'h'

as Elizabeth faught to - fought

Keri let out a shreik of - shriek

nothing but an eery, - eerie

of clowns."Keri chuckled - comma

"Maybe you're going a little far."Elizabeth breathed. - comma.

She looked down at the small girl and whispered, - woman...not girl.

this invitation."Elizabeth chuckled - comma

which proved it's horrific aura - don't need the apostrophe in it's - its

They gently scathed along what she found to - you're using 'scathed' in the wrong context. It doesn't make sense, at all. Maybe change it to 'scanned' or 'searched' or something else of the likes.

If the body on the wall had been ripped of all genitalia and she couldn't figure out what gender it was...but can perfectly see everything in the dimly lit house, then she should be able to see where the body had been sewn back together or where things used to exist. Because at the moment, she's had no problem looking at scratchings etched into the concrete walls, the colour of the clothing each man is wearing...so she should be able to speculate the gender of the body.

Reading the next small paragraph also doesn't quite make sense. Why would she know that body pieces had been removed if the body is still wearing (haggard) clothes? She wouldn't...because if there was no shape around the chest, then she would assume it was a male. But because there are clothes, she can't say for sure that there is a definite lack of genitalia.

that anymore."Sean winked. - comma

so real."Lee reached - comma

different women."Sean - comma

"and the lucky winner gets - capital 'a'

I really quite liked the ending of that paragraph, I felt that it really began to capture the fright factor of the story. I feel like everything else in the chapter was a little iffy as to the history of the characters and expectations of haunted houses, but the last few lines about the separate hallways really began to capture what's about to happen and how this isn't just a typical haunted house. :)

Chapter Three
which was follow after - followed

Elizabeth."Sean tapped - comma

There were a small circle of an area, - There was a small circular area?

and absolutely hallow, - hollow

Overall:
I like that you're using the set-up of a haunted house, and that you're taking a rather macabre telling of the story and the events within that house. I like that everything in there is real, and that the characters who are victim to the house are unaware of that fact at the moment. I like that Elizabeth keeps reassuring herself that it's all fake, but as readers, we know it's all real, and there's almost a niggling sense that Elizabeth knows it's real too, but she wants to keep telling herself that it's not.

And I also like that from the end of the second chapter and the entirety of the third chapter...it feels like it's getting more scarier. But it's not completely scary yet. You talk about the horrors, and you describe them, but I don't feel like it's enough to get the full scare in there. What I think might be a good idea is relating them all back to Elizabeth's character. Like, the woman in the room with the skin away from her ribcage - maybe have that relate to her father in the accident he was in (if it was a car accident...I can't remember if you specified what it was). I think if there was more of a psychological factor - not like an illness, but everything relating back to her - it would have more of the scare factor within it. :)

Just one other thing, though, when you have a character speaking, you tend to go like this: "Blah blah blah."Is what he said.
1. When someone is speaking and then you describe how they're saying it, or the actions they're using when they're speaking, you use a comma. A full stop is used when the dialogue has no relation to what's being said at all.
2. You're meant to put a space between the quotation marks and the next letter...so, " I no "I - the latter of which is what you did throughout this whole piece.

Nevertheless, I do like the plot and that this isn't an ordinary haunted house and that the night will tell of a lot of regret of actions leading up to their journey. :)

bahaha i absolutley am ADDICTED to this!
I'm lovin the three hallways idea, it reminds me of a haunted mansion i went through before.

Get the feeling this one will be much scarier though.. ;)

yesssss bring on the gore!!!

Oooh... Halloweeny. Likin' it so far!

Thanks for writing!

~GiGi

Dear god! I canot wait to see what you have planned for this.. More! More! More!

hmm... definatley will keep my eye on this.
and promised gore in the second chapter is ALWAYS the way to go(: