And If The Sun Comes Up - Comments

This is great stuff hun, especially for a first story. It's great that you're so enthusiastic about it.
Well done. :)

Chapter 9

Yay! There's an introductory paragraph again :D

Chapter 10

I've noticed you've begun to explain the surroundings and feelings a little better. I am very happy about this, because it makes your story even better! :D

I just wanna end this by saying that I think this story has a great plot, your writing has improved since chapter 1 and I am looking forward to reading the next update whenever you write it. Just remember my con-crit that I gave you about speech and description, and then this story will really take off and become a fantastic story :D I know you're probably not offended by my con-crit, but I always like to apologize for sounding like a meanie anyways. I hope I didn't come off as too harsh.

Chapter 8

w00t, there was an introductory paragraph in this one (I reckon your writing's improved from writing this story already)

:o Eleanor is evil! lol.

Chapter 6&7

:o I am very intrigued by the plot.

Again, with the speech, it's sometimes difficult to work out who's speaking, but I just noticed that someone else con-critted that point too, and explained it well, so I'll leave it at that. :D

My eyes never leave the screen when I'm reading a chapter, this story is THAT good :D

Chapter 5

This chapter could start off with maybe a small description of Sophie knocking on Jake's front door, only to have it opened by his mother. That way, the scene is set for the chapter.

I like it though how you described Jake's appearance. I thought that was very well done. It's things like this which help us imaging how the characters look.
If you describe characters' actions and surroundings etc as good as you described Jake's appearance, then this story would be phenomenal :D

Chapter 4

Lol, Sophie had the same thought as me.

I love it how Sophie is supportive.

But yeah, as I said in the con-crit of chapter two, more emotion is needed in the chapters.

You could talk about Sophie's thoughts in her head, as well as just the dialogue.
You could talk about whether Jake was fidgetting with his hands or whether he was making eye contact with Sophie when he spoke to her.

But yeah, I do like this story. The plot is great. And I'm sure that if you work on these things, it'll improve the story even more :D

Chapter 3

I love it how you've given Jake a back story too. It's good. Because you get to know what type of guy that Jake is.

One tip - you could put everything in speech marks, so that it's definitely seen as speech. It's good though. I do like that Jake's explaining everything to Sophie.

:o I didn't see that coming at the end... Jake's a vampire???

Chapter 2
I did like chapter 2's ending, but I think it could've improved by setting the scene a little bit in an opening paragraph, with something like "I had just spent 10 minutes going over the basics of my secret. Sophie sat there just staring at me. I was starting to feel a little uncomforable. I'd just poured out my deepest, darkest secret to her, and I wasn't getting any response."

That way, the reader's mind doesn't have to think as much about what's going on. But I do like the rest of it. I love the cliff-hanger ending, though I think that in some parts, you could say how Jake feels about the responses that Sophie is giving him. Also, maybe adding something like 'replied Sophie' or ' i asked' etc at the end of the different speech parts, could improve the story too, because it emphasizes who said what, and doesn't confuse the reader. :D

Thanks for suggesting this :D

It's really fab.

As mean as it is, Sophie should be changed by Eleanor and Lucas so Jake can whoop some ass :D

Subscribing now

xx

Evan-lee:

I think this story has the potential to be great. You're a really good writer so I feel like I'm there in your story and it's actually happening. I've only read the first chapter so far so I'm gonna go back and read more!

Thank you so much Evan. What a great comment. You know how much I love your stories too, so I'll head on over and say hi very, very soon.

Cheers Ears

Ok so this will be constrictive.

First off my suggestion to you is that when you have flashbacks, such as the conversation had with Mrs. Williams in the first chapter, you italicize it. It’s a little easier to understand that it’s a flashback.

Also don’t have chapter that are all dialog and teeny tiny, try to elongate them with descriptions.

Like here,
“Well, aren’t you going to say something Soph? Talk to me; hate me; shout at me; please do something? Say something?”

“I-I-I don’t know what to say; I’m speechless."

“Funny, you’re never normally. In fact, it takes an age just to get you to shut up."

“Now is not the time for jokes or small talk Jake. I’m just trying to contemplate the information you’ve given me. Please, don’t act like nothing’s just happened; credit me with some respect."

“Well, what else do you want me to say?”

“I want you to tell me everything and I mean everything!”

Make it more descriptive, instead of just, “Well, aren’t you going to say something Soph? Talk to me; hate me; shout at me; please do something? Say something?”

Try adding something to it, such as, “Well, aren’t you going to say something Soph?” I asked worried about her silence. “Talk to me; hate me; shout at me; please do something? Say something?” I pleaded.

That way you aren’t posting tiny chapters, which gets annoying to readers. Description is so important in a story.

Chapter five is great, but again, more description. Instead of There’s only so long that you can get by on pigs blood; Yuk Try, Pig’s blood can only take you so far and as far as I’m concerned it’s horrible tasting. The taste of human blood is much better, but you have to use what you have I guess.

And your dialog is a little unbelievable to be honest. No teenager would say, “Hey Soph. Sorry, I’ll put this away and tidy up. What do you want to do this fine morning?”,at least none that I know. So try making it more believable. More like, ”Hey Soph. Sup?” He asked setting his guitar in the stand. “Sorry it’s a mess I haven’t cleaned in awhile.”

“No, don’t worry about it,” I reassured him.

“What do you want to do today?”

Also with the dialog, make sure to have who’s talking, at the end or in the middle. It gets really confusing for people to read a lot of dialog back and forth between people without there being some indication of who’s speaking at least once in awhile, and especially when you change speakers on them. Like it had been Lucas and Jake talking, then you change it to Lucas and Soph, make sure you say that somehow. And don’t always use I said, she said, he said, I asked, he asked, she asked, try and find better ways to state it. Like right here,

“What the fu.... What the hell are you doing in here Eleanor? It’s a men’s room which means men only, right Lucas?”

“Well, when she’s got to get something off her chest there’s no stopping her Jake, you should know that.”

“Yeah, I know that well enough. I remember what you did to me well enough too. So what gives?”

“Lucas and I just wanted to talk to Jake, you know, let you know how sorry we both are for what happened.”

Not only is it hard to decipher who is speaking in the beginning, you change speakers as well; you need to note that there somehow.

That’s really all I have for now. It’s really, really well written and amazing to read. I love it. Keep it up.

I really wanna know if they turn Sophie now!

It's really sinister and eerie I really like it

I think this story has the potential to be great. You're a really good writer so I feel like I'm there in your story and it's actually happening. I've only read the first chapter so far so I'm gonna go back and read more!

Lightning Zap:

Hello :D **reads story description**

:o Sounds interesting. I love it how you've left the story description where you have, to make people like me wonder what the secret is that Jake has :D

I'm gonna go to bed soon (cause I've been up since before 6 am, and it's not 11pm here... so I'm a walking dead person), so I'll read and comment on the first chapter, and then subscribe and read the rest tomorrow :D

"aimlessly ambled" - I love that... I think it's alliteration, but I'm not good with the names of english techniques, but it sounds really good.

:o This chapter is so good.

My eyes didn't leave the screen once.

I love it how you've given Sophie a life's story and you've explained it in the first chapter, getting it out the way. I can also identify with Sophie, with the monotonous life and not many friends in RL. Your descriptions do really well in making Sophie so identifiable.

I also love the ending. Endings are things which I at times have difficulty mastering, but you've done it brilliantly with a cliff hanger. You've described Jake's situation so well, that I wanna click onwards and read chapter 2 tonight... but I am really tired, and so it's probably best that I save it for tomorrow.

But yeah, I have no con-crit at this stage. But I'll finish reading what you've written tomorrow and see how it goes :D

The first chapter was fantastic though.
Can't wait to read the rest :D

Alliteration it is my friend. Can I just say that this comment is wonderful. I like how you haven't just said, you know, "Love it; can't wait to read more," or somthing like that; you've actually gone into specifics.

You know, I was unsure about posting it at first with being my first attempt, but hey, this is what Mibba is for isn't it? I'm so happy with your comment, you really wouldn't believe.

Thanks so much and I really hope you enjoy the rest of it.

Hello :D **reads story description**

:o Sounds interesting. I love it how you've left the story description where you have, to make people like me wonder what the secret is that Jake has :D

I'm gonna go to bed soon (cause I've been up since before 6 am, and it's not 11pm here... so I'm a walking dead person), so I'll read and comment on the first chapter, and then subscribe and read the rest tomorrow :D

"aimlessly ambled" - I love that... I think it's alliteration, but I'm not good with the names of english techniques, but it sounds really good.

:o This chapter is so good.

My eyes didn't leave the screen once.

I love it how you've given Sophie a life's story and you've explained it in the first chapter, getting it out the way. I can also identify with Sophie, with the monotonous life and not many friends in RL. Your descriptions do really well in making Sophie so identifiable.

I also love the ending. Endings are things which I at times have difficulty mastering, but you've done it brilliantly with a cliff hanger. You've described Jake's situation so well, that I wanna click onwards and read chapter 2 tonight... but I am really tired, and so it's probably best that I save it for tomorrow.

But yeah, I have no con-crit at this stage. But I'll finish reading what you've written tomorrow and see how it goes :D

The first chapter was fantastic though.
Can't wait to read the rest :D

Thanks so much for my first ever story comment. I'm glad you've enjoyed it so far. I'm just about to write my next chapter, so keep your eye's peeled for more updates.

Cheers Ears

:D

This is actually really good! [claps] Keep up the good work!