Ugh, ugh, ugh, BB code, Y U no work properly? :(
February 5th, 2012 at 11:34pm
I am a horrible, horrible person. It's been what, nearly five months since you won my contest? You have my permission to give me a cyber slap. Onward!
Prologue - I liked the opening sentence you used in this, although I thought the part about Lebanese could have been made a subordonate clause. It had a hint of dark humour - the kind where you start laughing because everything's gone wrong that day and then you spill a glass of water over the essay you took five hours to write - and I liked that. It also introduced us to the issue and the potential solution. 'Dom pissed off because he had work in the morning and me desperate just to get the baby back to sleep.' - I thought this line was an excellent show of how married life with a young child/baby can be. It isn't all Renesmee-style oh-what-a-gorgeous-baby-who-can-talk-at-two-months-old and so on. Having a kid is hard work.
'I set his plate of pancakes in front of him with a little more force than needed.' Good use of description here to get across a character's (still currently nameless, as they are the narrator) emotions. Observasional also, into how in life we aren't totally blunt and just say 'I am annoyed with you' or 'I am happy with you'; nuiances, etc.
'one nearly having to go on a diet every time they needed to sit at the chair shoved between the couch and the wall.' Oh good grief, I actually laughed aloud at this point. Besides the inject of humour and insight into the character's personality through this, this was also a good slip-in of description.
The way you wrote the day out was hugely realistic. It felt like I was sitting in the corner, watching the day pass with them as our character discovered the brick house and Gordy splattered food everywhere and Dom came home 'already half-undone'. Their slightly boring, as you described it, idle chitter chatter made it all the more realistic for me and I found myself with a very vivid mental image of this small family in their small apartment all curled up together in a kind of soothingly dull blanket of warmth. That makes very little sense but I hope you understand what I'm getting at.
'cocooned him in my arms so he wouldn’t fall off, then I was quickly asleep.' - I adore the use of the word 'cocooned' in this. It sounds so much more poetic and safe than, say, 'wrapped'.
'I had never seen him cry.' - Insight into Dom's character. He's a man; he does not cry. I liked that subtle note to be made. '“Gordy’s fine, Jen.' Correct me if I'm wrong, but is this not the first mention of our narrator's name? That was really the only issue I had with this story so far, as I could find no typos.
'His ex-girlfriend was dead, leaving their five year old daughter to Dom.' I really liked how this was at the end of Dom's dialogue. While he was speaking, I was thinking 'yeah, and who are these guys again? Did I miss something?' and then it was explained and I was thinking 'oh, I see now' and then it really sunk in and I was thinking 'oh, I really see now.' I like being played with by stories a little like that. The end line made me smile, oddly. It was nice to see Jen was still having practical thoughts.
One - I loved the way Dom was present on a laptop; what a brilliant and original idea!
'How many times in your life do you get to ask someone to hold your husband anyway?' Up until this quote, I have very little to say other than yet again your description is stunning as ever and that the pacing of this chapter is so... perfect. Also, again with the humour - I love it! On here, humour is often overlooked.
'“A family was found dead here about five years ago. A private investor recently bought it and renovated everything trying to make a profit.”'... WHAT?! My God, even I didn't see this coming and I pride myself on my ability to tell what's going to happen in a story before it does! I thought the house just had some problems with mould or something...
'His face softened with relief.' For some reason, this made me smile. I don't know... Jen and Dom together, plus Gordy, just make me want to smile in general. I very much liked how they actually chose to buy the house too, as it is somehow pretty realistic. I mean, an old woman died in my house - my mother still bought it.
So overall, I love this. I'm actually quite intrigued and I think it would be great to see some more updates on this story! I can see no typos and I can only suggest perhaps less commas? I really don't know what I can say to improve on this. I also wanted to say that your dialogue throughout is just so realistic that I can almost hear the characters talking in the room with me. Keep up the brilliant work - you have real potential as a writer.