Play The Song - Comments

Chapter one, or well, intro:

It's a very good way to lure a reader in, I feel. You use a lot of details, and you give away a lot - but not too much. It doesn't make me think "oh, right, no point in reading this now" and it doesn't make me think "I don't even know..." You've got a good balance, I feel, and it makes for a very good hook. You do repeat a few phrases a bit much however, like "get back at" and "take off". But that was really the only thing I noticed that disrupted the flow a little. I like the last line, how she has realized that she was actually in the wrong. It's usually something you see at the end of a story, so it's cool to have it in the first chapter.

One, or two, depending on how you look at it, haha:

This is right I have a right to let the world know how I feel, even him.
- The first part, "this is right", I wasn't sure where it came from? Like, how it fit into that sentence?

I met Bill in a coffee shop I was in a hurry like always and that's when I ran into some tall person.
- I believe you need a comma between "shop" and "I". :)

I look up and my eyes met this beautiful person, it was unreal.
- Looked. :)

He gave this wonderful smile that I feel in love with,
- Fell instead of feel. :)

There were quite a few tense issues in this chapter, I didn't mark them all up, because I'm sure you can spot them if you read through it again. I don't know. The first chapter was very, very deep and descriptive and really made me feel tugged towards the story. This second chapter (or first chapter, I guess) felt like a repetition of the first and then just with a few more random things thrown in. I don't know... The tone also feels very different. Have you re-written the first chapter but not the second?

I mean, by no means was it terrible, but the flow and the tone wasn't as great as in the first chapter, to be honest. But yeah, the story is still intruiging, but I was confused about the tense. Present or past? You flicker around a lot, and, well, I don't know. Maybe you had a point with it, but it didn't seem to fit. But ah, yeah.

Also, and this is just my personal opinion so feel free to ignore, but that color text on the background was a bit hard to see. That may just be me though, so yeah. :)

Overall it was nice, it definitely has a good ring to it and feels interesting. If I was at all into Tokyo Hotel I would sub and stay tuned. :)

I love it! Tokio Hotel is a great band! Can't wait for more!

I'm not fond of Tokio Hotel but I'm just going to ignore that and put my personal preference aside. XD I suggest making the size in your summary a bit bigger, it's teeny tiny small.

I spy a few run-on sentences in the first chapter but I won't point them out. Your chapter set up the basis for the story nicely, and from the chapter, I could gather that Bill broke the narrator's heart and it's quite obvious that Bill broke her heart, and she went about trying to hurt his feelings to get revenge on him - and succeeded. I get the sense that the story is going to be quite a sad story but you did a good job setting up the story! Good job!

I love it! I can't wait to read more!

Reading the banner just breaks my heart for some reason...just saying.

The single sentenced summary is just so epic. I love how it just gives enough info and catches my attention.

First Chapter

I saw very few mistakes with this which is great. I love Tokio Hotel! Okay, so I don't love it. I only know one song. BUT I LOVE THAT ONE SONG! Bill is cute in a feminine-ish kind of way. Your writing is neat, clean and gets to the point, but leaves a bit more questioning along with it. I think you did fairly well with pulling the reader in with the first chapter.

Second chapter

I think it's so cute how they met in coffee shop<3 coffee shops are just...where you can do nearly everything. And they are so cute! Also, I love how you portrayed them fairly acuratly. You stated they have had fights before instead of saying "we were so in love we never fought" which would have been boringly cliche. So awesome job with that.

I still find some small mistakes, but nothing to fuss over. This chapter seemed to be a filler just as the first, so I am still seeking the part when they actually get some action going and shizz.

I still love your writing :3 it isn't crappy like most fanfictions. You did an amazing job! Well done.

I've heard about Tokio Hotel a lot on here, but I've never really heard them sing. It's a bother, but it doesn't really matter when I'm reading this because you write in such a way where the reader doesn't really need to know much about the band to go on. Know what I mean? Pshyeah.

I like this Lexis character. She seems flawed, in a way that I can relate to. Gosh knows that pain and heartache can make people do crazy things. All she did was start a band and write a few songs to help her get through.

I wonder whether they'll end up back together though, because for some strange reason, I really hope that they do. Lexis might be flawed, but she's human. And meh, I reckon they deserve a second chance. Anyway, I'm rambling now.

I'm not too fond of the layout though. It's a little too pink for my taste, although that's just a personal preference. The banner's pretty :)

You're a great writer and I really did enjoy reading this.

I don't really like Tokio Hotel, but it's very easy for me to read fanfics and ignore that it is about band members. I'll start with the layout; It is really simple. I'm not sure if it is because you prefer your layouts that way, or don't know how to make complicated ones. If you would like a new layout, message me & I will do one. I've made two so far today. Banners are included with the layout.

The summary; it really bothers me that your disclaimer is longer than your actual summary. You might want to fix that a bit.

The intro itself was nice, so I'll focus on the mistakes and not point out what I liked. If I do that I'll be pasting the whole chapter.

Have you ever listened to a song and thought, I can relate or this song is about me. The punctuation seems a bit off. I think it is supposed to be Have you ever listened to a song and thought: I can relate, or this song is about me. I know there is supposed to be a comma with or, but I'm not sure where. I just know that the comma you have needs to be a colon.

On second thought, I'll edit that chapter and send it to you. The other two chapters, though of medium length, were good. You need to work on getting a beta, but other than that the content itself is good. Keep up the good work!

I love the idea of this, a band to get back at someone? Though personally I would never do that, that's just showing the person that you're still broken up about it and stuff, I'd want them to think I was completely indifferent. But I still like this idea, and I like the band name, too!

You have a bit too many run on sentences, commas are your friend! And you have some spelling issues as well which can easily be fixed.

I don't like Tokio Hotel but that's okay, I didn't mind reading about it (or in this case I guess just Bill)

:) It's cool, keep writing!

I really like they way you chose to write this story :)

The layout is great. The colours are nice with eachother and it makes it easy to read. I like the story line, I wonder what is going to happen next.

You have a few spelling errors but it's an easy fix. in the first chapter artiest should be artist. Carless should be care less. Men should be man. Happen should be happened. Feel should be felt bad.

The second chapter has a few little mistakes. this is a right I have a right to... it should say This is a right, I have a right to. His should be he's.

The story is really good though. It's like like many other fanfics I have read before. I like the fact that you started this story the way you did, with background info about why the band started. I also likehow you used a song as the manin thing that started a "war" between the locouple that broke up. Everyine can relate to a song and I think it's a really creative and unique story starter. <3

This is a very interesting story idea. My first thought was "...Oh...Fanfiction..." But then I continued to read it. This is really cool. I like it. You have an awesome writing voice, I can really tell how the main character is feeling. I don`t think I saw any spelling/grammar errors so props(:
Welp, good job!

Your writing seems to have definitely improved since the first chapter. I feel like the sentences are much stronger and you don't have as many run ons as you did in Chapter One :) There was still some issues, but I won't go into too much detail unless you want me to. Just basically keep-on keeping an eye out for sentences that are too wordy. Sometimes, if a sentence looks too long, best to go back and see if you can break it up into two sentences.

I feel like this chapter was a bit too much of a repeat from Chapter 1 though. The reader already gets that she is in this bad for the "wrong reason". I want to see more of the song writing process. Maybe some more about her relationship with this mysterious Bill. Or maybe what stage she is in in her musical life. We already know that she had a bad relationship and that's the basis for her music, but now it is time to delve into that. Also, more showing, less telling.

One line I really did like was this: I think he probably does, I hope it does. I hope every song he hears from us he knows it’s about him.

I just really felt the anger and resentment she has toward Bill. Now, it could be cleaned up a bit, since the last line sounds a bit awkward, but I really felt the emotion in this line and it really worked.

Hi, so I hate Tokio Hotel but I am going to pretend Bill whatshisname is just a totally original character you made up and not that guy from that band I don't like :D

Anyway, first things first, you have way too many run-on sentences. For example: I started a band I didn't do it for the right reasons like I should have, don’t get me wrong I love music with all my heart, and it wasn't for the money I could carless about that.

It really doesn't make much sense when you read it aloud to begin with, and then it's very long and wordy. too much. It would probably sound better like this "When I started a band, I didn't do it for the right reasons. Don't get me wrong, I love music with all my heart, and it wasn't for the money--I could care less about that."

You don't have your punctuation in the right places, and you kind of throw your commas around where you feel like it. It completely breaks up the flow of the story and makes it sound jumbled.

There are also a lot of spelling and grammar errors within the story. I think you should go back and red the story out loud. Maybe if you hear it, you can notice where some of the sentences sound wrong.

As for the over all concept, I like the idea. It's interesting and new--something I honestly haven't read in fanfiction yet, so I really hope it turns out well :)