Going, Going, Gone. - Comments

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One of my biggest personal peeves is being preachy. I don't want to know that she is "messed up" by her telling me. I can already see it through her jewish joke. Also check on your spelling just for tiny little mistakes. Plus there is some detail we don't need to know unless it is truly utterly going to help this story. Some of the internal dialogue is annoying/childish. If she is in high school then she should have that mentality. Also the "hehe" randomly is misplaced. I don't know what your plot it but it seems as though it is just very random. I guess if you're going for that, good job.

Nice layout.

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I quite enjoyed reading this. It was rather interesting. However, I would suggest reading over chapters so their would be less grammar and punctuation mistakes. There is lots of description and tons of imagery, I enjoyed that. You were also very realistic, especially when it came to the dialogue, I enjoyed that as well. Although, sometimes I felt that certain sentances could have been rephrased, or could even have more discription as to why things were the way they are. Also, I only read the first chapter because after reading, it didn't exactly grab me, I didn't feel into the story. This isn't because I appeal to only certain genres I am open to many, this story just didn't pull me in. I also thought your layout was pretty nice, but I have to say the story could really use some organization. Lastly, I think this story might needs some conditioning, but still, never stop writing!

I rather like your layout - it's very original and random, and it fits the story well. Your story seems a little bit disorganized, but it's kind of cool because it's like a snapshot out of your character's mind. If this is exactly how she thinks, then it's a nice effect to have the reader experience that too, even if it might be a teensy bit confusing at times. Some of the comments are pretty funny, too, and I like the chapter titles! :)

There are a couple things wrong with this. There really isn't any plot, it just looks like a bunch of random events stacked together in an attempt to make a story, the characters have a severe lack of detail, and there are many grammatical errors. You should take a long hard look at this and redo the chapters you've done already.

This reminds me a lot of how I behaved when I was a freshman in high school (wow I sound old haha). I like the randomness, but there absolutely must be cohesion to it. Randomness is okay as long as it somehow fits together, or has a reason for being as such. A common theme in the comments is that the plot is hard to follow, which may be a problem, but on the flip side, I have seen instances where it can actually work to benefit the story in the end. However, going through chapter one was extremely difficult. Halfway through (less than that, actually), you totally lost me on what was happening and why. I love the energy of your writing, but I feel that there is no cohesion to it. There are no transitions from one thing to the next, and that makes it really confusing for readers. I loved the first few paragraphs especially, but after that, it's impossible for me to follow. I wish it would have continued like the first three paragraphs.

The story of a ‘not-so-normal-girl’ could really work out as many people could identify with the main character and her friends. This story honestly has very good potential and could be something that many would like to read (myself included), but it is missing a few things (let the constructive criticism ensue):

1) There really isn’t a plot and the events in the story seem rather random.
- Everything in a story should have a purpose; even the most trivial and seemingly unimportant things will play a role in the outcome of the story. If it doesn’t contribute to your story as a whole, then you can discard whatever was in question.

2) There is a complete lack of detail.
- From the beginning, you should establish your characters or at least the protagonist. It’s a good thing if the reader is able to identify with the main character or if they feel like the main character could be someone they know or trust. Give a little history on Auroura and how she came to meet her friends or something; it doesn’t have to be too lengthy. When you read something, you don’t want to feel like you are reading about a completely random stranger; you want to already develop a sort of relationship with the character(s).

3) Grammar is the key.
- Proper names/places should be capitalized, all capitalized sentences should be kept to a minimum, etc. Personally, this is one of the first things that I notice when I skim a story before I read it and if there are a lot of obvious grammatical error, I would skip it. Your spelling is fine though, which is a plus!

Overall, you should work on drafting a plot and that would really help get everything else straight, and it doesn’t even have to be very detailed – it could be one sentence or so. You can really make this story into something great so keep practicing and you will get better! Remember, a writer has never fully mastered the art of writing. Good luck!

Hmm, I'm reading and there seems not to be a plot. I can enjoy the characters when they're not all over the place and running around like a bunch of children. I agree, the story could have potential if you cleaned up the grammar and you developed a plot line to twist around. It could be really good (:

I agree with the comment below, i'm not really sure where this story is going, and it's pretty confusing. I like that she's hyper and you kind of get that in the first chapter. But overall, with some grammar kinks, and if you edit the story more, it could have potential to be great. I can't wait to see where this goes from here! :)

Umm, I'm kind of confused about the meaning of the story..I can't say much about it because you are only five chapters into the story so there isn't much to comment on but I'll do my best with what I've read. I love hyper characters in stories but I sometimes got lost in the whole thing with Aurora. I’m not a big fan of the writing in first person cause it can get repetitive and lack details.
I think it has potential though, the summery made me believe the story is gonna focus on a girl growing up, her teenage problems, adventures etc., and if that was your plan I’d love to read more just with a bit of more detail and longer and more meaning in the conversations, like when Klair says to Aurora she wants to take a step forward in her relationship, you could make it deeper, longer and it would be way better.
I hope I didn’t offend you or anything; I’d love to see where it goes. I believe you have true potential, just keep working :)) xo

I'm really surprised that you were brave enough to work with present tense for this, because it's really difficult to keep consistent present tense throughout a story. However, you've done really well for the most part. It works with your diary entry-like chapters, as if we're getting the girls' narrations of their own lives as the events play out.

It could use a lot of cleaning up. Of course, feel free to add more chapters, but if you want to refine this work, I think you should comeback and do some brief proofreading.

Now, your style is very spontaneous and unique, and although it can make a reader very confused because you jump around so abruptly (especially for Aurora), I think it's fine for you to explore some of these stylistic choices as a writer. You're allowed to go out their and write something crazy, and I appreciate that because it gives you a relatively unique voice. The thing I will say is that you should go to town with your descriptions occasionally -- take the time to come up with an awesome metaphor, incorporate some symbolism, paint something meaningful and artistic into the piece. That'll really give this story some flair.

I've read the whole thing thus far, so it's interesting enough for now, but make sure the plot goes towards a climax! Keep it up :)

The story overall isn't that bad.
But there are grammar errors that I think you should tend to.
This isn't what I normally read, so don't take offense if I'm not too keen on it.
I think there should be more detail in description, it makes stories flow well and just makes them better in general.
And I'm not sure, but the story doesn't seem to have an actual solid plot.
I could be wrong, but that's how it seems to me.
I'm definitely not discouraging you from writing.
I think you should keep it up, even if it isn't my cup of tea per say.
Maybe just spruce it up a bit more, you know.
Go through and edit it. Add some detail. Develop a solid plot.
Of course, you could just leave it as is :)
Either way, keep up writing.

I always write comments as I read, so here we go. (:
First thing I noticed is that the Jew jokes remind me of my bestfriend, Emery. (:
But, I usually don't like stories that are written in present tense so directly or when the characters talk right to the readers. That kind of throws me off.

There are a couple grammar errors and the story is so random that it's hard to focus on. (Although I'm having a hard time focussing anyways, so don't take that personally!)

The story does seem to be lacking some detail, but it's not a bad story overall. I just think that you should spend more time watching your spelling/grammar and making the characters more dynamic. I don't feel like I've connected with the characters because they're all over the place. Try to use longer, in depth sentences instead of short statements, it would make the story read & flow easier.

This story has a lot of potential. You just need to proof read and make the characters more relatable. (:

Very, very interesting. BUT, I love it. It's so cute, funny, and definitely crazy. I see a few errors here and there, but nothing major. I'm sure that if you do a really really quick proof read then you will find then. Anyways, I'm subscribed and I can't wait for more. I already love the characters, and how dynamic you made them!! =)

As one of the writers of the story, I must tell you. Any thing such as lauggs, or boyfruend, is because they were being typed on a touchscreen... We are slightly OCD so we fixed all the ones we caught.... And as for the things said after a quote, we don't want them to be boring... So they're not extended...

I do agree with the previous comments. There are a few grammatical errors and tense confusion. It can be easily fixed. It is a decent story overall, but I feel like the characters seem a little over the place and confusing. But it does have great potential! Do keep writing! I feel like if you keep it up and fix a couple of errors here and there, it will be a good read! :)

A bit later, I walk to the bus stop. On the bus, I read Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and listen to music; then I walk into the school. I meet up with Klair, Christobal, and other friends.

I open my mouth to speak, but then decide not to talk all day.

I think that writing like this is a bit vague and maybe you should go into more detail. For example,
instead of writing: I read Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and listen to music, you could say: While on the bus I read Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire while the steady beat of music flowed into my ears.

Also, there are various typos which could be changed. For examples, in your first chapter you write 'Boyfruend' instead of Boyfriend and 'lauggs' when I think you mean laughs.

This story has great potential. It really does. The only thing you should work on is keeping it in the same tense (as stated previously) and the layout. It's really hard on my eyes and I'm sure it could be much more interesting.

Dialogue should start a new "paragraph". It's a writing rule and so much easier on the eyes.

Also, make sure to capitalize your titles properly.

For example, instead of, "I confess, I'm messed up."
It should be, "I Confess, I'm Messed Up."

Just simple things, but again, this story has great potential.

Keep writing!

First things first, your layout is hardly readable. I'd suggest either using a pre-made layout or making one with more neutral coloring. The red against the purple/blue is really killing my eyes I actually had to click the custom layout button. You should put spaces in between your dialogue so it's easier to read, and it looks neater. I find that you use caps quite a bit, which isn't necessary if you're using "!!!" and "???", those two punctuation markings will give you all the emphasis you need.

Your detail needs a bit of working on, instead of "He says" and "I giggled," why don't you try.

"Hey Chris!" I laughed as I looked at his figure.

"Yes, dear?" he replied to me with a grin.

"I dunno!" I giggled as he laughed pressing his lips against my own.

I think first thing, I'll start out with the critique stuff. First off, I thought I should just mention the layout and give some advice. The red against the dark blue is extremely hard to read, so I had to highlight the entire thing just to read it. Perhaps changing it to a lighter font color would be beneficial. I also noticed a few grammatical errors. For example, in the first chapter it says "tuesday" instead of "Tuesday," which is a proper noun and should be capitalized. And "laugg" instead of "laugh." They're just minor typos that can be fixed really quickly and easily. Perhaps getting a beta reader or taking a bit more time editing would work out well for you. Otherwise, it seems that you have quite a few chapters for this story and I suggest you keep writing and making sure to edit as you go along. Good luck to you! :)

I like the story overall, I really enjoyed reading it and I think you are a very clever writer. However, I do have a few notes. I really found it hard to read with the red on blue layout. I would also point out that your paragraphs should have a space between them, it makes it more difficult to read. Other then that, which is really just esthetic. Your writing is very good though and I like Aurora as a character.