Breakable Me - Comments

  • Laviro

    Laviro (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    32
    Location:
    United States
    Engaging and interesting first paragraph in the prologue.

    Consider changing “Joan spoke softly with the same sweet smile that was always present” to “Joan spoke softly with her ever-present, sweet smile.” (less is more!) :)

    Also avoid “was” and “that” when possible. “Was” is a “to be” verb and should be used sparingly and “that” should be cut when it isn’t needed for the sentence to make sense.

    “Uh…” (Should be three periods, shouldn’t it?)

    Consider changing “I felt my voice caught in my throat” to “My voice caught in my throat” or even, “My voice caught.” When you take away “I felt” it makes it seem more like it’s happening.

    I mean, lets say you farted. Would you say, “I felt myself fart,” or “I farted?” “I felt myself cough,” or “I coughed.” See what I mean? If the narrator says it happens to her, we know she felt it.

    “Yesterday, Joan had pulled me aside and suggested that I share the same story I had told her the first day I came into the support group center.

    Wow! What a mouthful! I’m getting the vibe that this is a very personal story and a main focus of this book. Perhaps word it more accordingly? “Yesterday, Joan suggested it… She suggested I finally share what brought me to the support group center.”

    “…but today I scanned the room only to find anxious faces. All of their eyes were staring into me.” Consider changing too, “…but today, I scanned the room to find too many sets of anxious eyes burrowing into me. Were they waiting to analyze my story? To Judge my wrongs and stupidity?” (again, taking out “I felt”)

    Consider changing, “I was telling myself more than the group” to “I told myself more than the group.”
    And
    “I was hoping…” to “I hoped.”

    I find myself on the edge of the seat and feeling slightly stressed over what she’s going to say! Good job setting it up and putting me in the narrator’s shoes! :)

    “Pay” attention, not “paid” You need a comma before “or.” “…attention to, or maybe…”

    (I would add a period after “back” and start a new sentence with commas and try felt instead of was.)
    “The flashbacks flooded back. Every slap, bruise, and scream felt impossible to bear once again.”

    “Even worse, I still remember how good his kisses felt, and the feeling in my stomach when he would wrap his arms around me.”
    (You need a comma after “worse” and I would delete “was how” and use “and” instead of “or”)

    I love that I can “feel” the feeling in her stomach! :)

    Change “I could feel my lips tremble…” to “My lips trembled…”

    I would change “eyes full of worry” to “eyes full of pity.”

    Add a period after “anymore.” “Not anymore. That wasn’t my purpose for coming.”

    I would add a little drama here. “I pushed abruptly from the table, the chair screeching like nails on a chalkboard. I barely caught myself from tripping over it as I scrambled for the door.”

    Consider this, “Joan ended the group session, diverging my breakdown.”

    “…as I looked out the window as…” try, “…and looked out the window as…”

    “His touch made me jump, and he instantly put it back on the wheel.” (add a comma and change as to “and”)

    Consider dropping “as he stopped at the red light” It feels unnecessary and awkward to me.

    I think the prologue flowed well, I enjoyed the rate of discovery and the small details here and there. I like the protagonist and am interested in hearing more of her story. I hope you will read my first chapter and leave me a comment too! Maybe we can swap more chapters if you like my story too! :)

    Great job! :)
    March 4th, 2021 at 06:45pm
  • parkwaybeth

    parkwaybeth (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    26
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    I'm from comment swap, hey! I really enjoyed reading this, and I'll definitely be subscribing. You're a very talented writer, this was amazingly written, and I love how the beginning didn't give away the whole story but still gave away enough to hook me and made me want to read on. Keep up the good work:)
    January 27th, 2013 at 11:16pm
  • imbalance

    imbalance (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    24
    Location:
    Australia
    Oh, I love the last...four updates I just read! You write such long chapters...But they were worth reading. Callie is just so adorable and innocent, and I actually like Nolan but at times I can see a glimpse of something not so great about him. The date was just lovely, I was smiling the whole way through. All of your characters are so well developed, I can't wait until you post more!

    There were a few errors I picked up...

    (chapter two)
    Her rambling always remind me of a picture of my mother, as her hair is blowing in the breeze, the sun catching the redness and her peacefully strumming on her guitar. - 'remind' should be 'reminded'.

    She quickly ruffled through her suitcase, clearly not even spending the time to fulling unpack yet. - 'fulling' should be 'fully'.

    I was sure wasn't the case. - I think you missed a word between 'sure' and 'wasn't'.

    If their eyes when wide before, they looked like they were about to explode now. - 'when' should be 'were'.

    I slowly backed away from the guy who seemed to drunk to care; there were plenty of other girls anyway. - 'to' should be 'too'.

    (chapter three)
    “I’ve think I have finally redeemed myself from my seriously messed up days in high school by getting into this school. - 'I've' should be 'I'.

    I froze and so did Nolan before he started breaking out laughed and banging our room door. - 'laughed' should be 'laughing' or 'in laughter'.

    There a few couches, a TV and then tables. - I think you missed a word between 'There' and 'a'.

    (chapter four)
    I chuckled, imaging what I must have looked like walking around today: the typical clueless freshman. - 'imaging' would work better as 'imagining'.

    I am able to shape who I am without anyone remember an embarrassing moment from 5th grade, or that I didn’t have a date to homecoming junior year or any year for that matter. - 'remember' should be 'remembering'.

    (chapter five)
    ...and amazing lasagna, saying that this was the place his family often came to when visiting, and this was usual the best part of the visit because no one would talk, too busy stuffing their faces. - 'lasagna' should be 'lasagne' and 'usual' should be 'usually'.

    ...his unusual face with jaunted angles, a sharp chin, and a always constant smirk. - The last 'a' should be 'an'.

    We both laughed as we knew she would probably be out drunken at a party by now. - 'drunken' should be 'drunk'.

    Also, watch your tenses: At times, you've changed from past to present tense, and I don't mean the parts that should be present tense (that is, the parts where she's talking to the group or Anthony).

    Anyway, I adore this so far, and I can relate to it so much. I hope you update again soon!
    July 4th, 2012 at 09:23am
  • enjoy punk rock

    enjoy punk rock (200)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    28
    Location:
    Great Britain (UK)
    Ah! They must kiss sooooooooon! Awesome update!
    July 2nd, 2012 at 03:23pm
  • oldacct1619

    oldacct1619 (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    22
    Location:
    United States
    Comment Swap has brought me to this wonderful story. Since the prologue, I was hooked. Though I only got to the first two chapters since it's 5:17 here where I'm at and I'm dying of a killer stomach ache. But I promise you, I'll be back to finish the last few chapters you have up. Boy Scout's Honor. c; I feel for Mae alot and hope to see more of her strong relationship with her Grandfather. Wish I had been close to my grandfathers. Hmmm. You're writing is clear and very descriptive. Good job; keep it up. Lots of love and luck with your writing.
    -NatalieDeJayy<&3
    June 27th, 2012 at 02:26pm
  • enjoy punk rock

    enjoy punk rock (200)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    28
    Location:
    Great Britain (UK)
    I'm liking this update.. t'is good. I look forward to the next!
    June 26th, 2012 at 07:46pm
  • PhotographyGirl

    PhotographyGirl (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    26
    Location:
    United States
    Okay, so I read the prologue, and I'm going to read more. I LOVE THIS STORY SO MUCH! In the first chapter, I loved how much description you put into it! It was great. I also love the mystery you included about what had happened to her, making everyone want to read more. This was amazing! Great job!
    June 23rd, 2012 at 02:46am
  • Lovecrush1

    Lovecrush1 (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    27
    Location:
    United States
    I like this story. I think you started off very well. In the beginning, you gave enough info so I knew what was going on but not so much that I already knew the story before I read. I enjoyed it so much that I still have it saved on my browser. You writing is eloquent and very well done. I think this story has much promise and I feel privileged to read it.
    June 18th, 2012 at 07:14am
  • Gorgak

    Gorgak (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    25
    Location:
    United States
    I feel as though the beginning did give away the plot line, but you surely have me convinced that Nolan is such a guy to fall in love with. (Where we know might be a problem). Your characters are superbly described and don't seem flat. They have dimension. (OH MY GAWD 3-D). How you are writing the story, with diction and such, is done very nicely and is fluent. Also thank you for actually writing a chapter a not a couple of paragraphs. I don't know why this irritates me, but short chapters isn't really a chapter at all. Just throw them together! Ah, I'm rambling. Anyways, I'm hooked with this story, which I'm sure is what you are aiming for and for people to love your story and your writing. I would probably say this is one of the top ten stories I have read on Mibba so far, and trust me I have read a LOT of stories. :) Keep up the good work! I can't wait for the next chapter!
    June 17th, 2012 at 07:14am
  • TabbyKitty13

    TabbyKitty13 (105)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    25
    Location:
    United States
    I like the idea behind this story. The fact that it's really all just a flashback appeals to me. Throughout your writing (probably in the parts where you're excited, because I do the same thing!) you leave out words, like your fingers are going slower than your thoughts, and there are a few misspellings/using the wrong word to mean something else. That aside though, it's very interesting, and I look forward to reading more. (:
    June 16th, 2012 at 06:16pm
  • Deer

    Deer (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    98
    Location:
    Jamaica
    I think this story is really good, and I love how long the chapters are. I think it's unique, and really well written. I didn't really see many mistakes, but in the first chapter, I just thought that the letter could have been in it's own paragraph, though it was still good altogether. Good job.
    June 14th, 2012 at 06:12pm
  • Katie Mosing

    Katie Mosing (33815)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    29
    Location:
    United States
    I didn't really like the prologue. I felt like it gave away too much of the story. I think it would have made the rest of the story more interesting if we hadn't known she was abused. Maybe if we had only known she was in therapy, but not known what for. It would have made the story more mysterious.

    That being said, I think you have a good story. The plot is good, so far, and I like the idea of seeing a girl's first time at college.
    June 14th, 2012 at 02:18am
  • Ayesha C

    Ayesha C (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    29
    Location:
    Great Britain (UK)
    omg!!! im so glad i clicked on the new 'comment swap' feature that we have or i never would have found this story. im hooked already and have only read the prologue! sounds very mysterious and im definately interested to read more *clicks on suscribe*. great job so far, im very excited to read whats to come.
    June 13th, 2012 at 09:51pm
  • enjoy punk rock

    enjoy punk rock (200)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    28
    Location:
    Great Britain (UK)
    Ooh! I am glad I found this! Really anxious to know what happens next. Please update soon!
    June 13th, 2012 at 03:42pm
  • Rebell

    Rebell (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    29
    Location:
    United States
    You have a really distinct voice, and I like it. You also have a good way of making all of your characters different, even though you have a bunch of them. You have a really good style and your descriptions are really clear and good. I especially like that in the prologue I can clearly imagine what she's feeling just because of how you described it. Keep Writing!
    June 13th, 2012 at 04:28am
  • dotyky

    dotyky (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    28
    Location:
    Great Britain (UK)
    First of all, I love the tag for this story! This is not a love story. This is a story full of warning signs....Such a great idea, and so original! Although comment swap bought me here 'm so glad it did...Definite subscribe! Anyway the themes here are so deep and complex, I wasn't even sure I'd know how to tackle them, and you've handled them really well and really sensitively AND realistically, and I'm a massive fan of realism haha. I loved your characterisation, particularly that of Anthony because he seems so cute and mild! Callie too, she seems like a deep one, and I'm getting all this from three chapters :P amazing! I totally loved the bit about her watching all the girls getting ready together, totally reminded me of me and my girls (and I’m sure every other girl reading it haha!) It was very telling though about Callie and the way she reacted—perfect showing instead of telling in action! And the whole conversation about the boys felt so familiar too thinking back of the teens…I think there are plenty of other readers who are going to be able to empathise with this and I really did enjoy it. Keep it up! Definite subscribe.
    June 12th, 2012 at 09:23pm
  • folie a dru.

    folie a dru. (1270)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    33
    Location:
    United States
    There are a lot of great descriptions here that paint a really vivid picture. I picture the faces staring at her as she's trying to talk. I can see how flustered she would get.

    I was hoping that once I spit out everything that the memories would leave me, that I could be free from the grip he had put on me, that he would no longer creep into my dreams, nor would he come up in conversation.
    This is beautiful. This really shows me something instead of telling me something. I feel like a lot of your story is telling rather than showing. As a reader, I personally prefer to see things for myself rather than being told them.

    I also feel like her dialogue might be unnatural when she speaks about the mountains and such. I don't ever really hear people speak that way and it kind of throws me off.

    The writing here is great and there are no mistakes at all that I can see. I would just focus a little more on showing rather than telling. You're definitely going places with this story.
    June 12th, 2012 at 04:32pm
  • poooooooop

    poooooooop (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    30
    Location:
    United States
    You definitely have a good voice; make sure you proofread, though, as there were a few mistakes you would have definitely caught, such as “These are the warning signs that I never knew to paid attention to" in the first chapter. Your characters and the situation are believable and compelling. Keep it up! :)
    June 12th, 2012 at 04:18pm
  • kariajaderose

    kariajaderose (150)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    26
    Location:
    United States
    In the first chapter it reminds me of Callie from the book Cut, although their stories are different I feel already connected to the character you have given in the first chapter.- 0o0 (my face at end of chapter 1) SUBSCRIBING! AMAZING you have the writing gift my friend!
    June 12th, 2012 at 09:44am
  • Pat Kirch.

    Pat Kirch. (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    25
    Location:
    Great Britain (UK)
    I absolutely loved it. You have a great talent, and the way you wrote the first few chapters has been incredibly gripping. Please update soon - I'll definetely be subscribing! I also really enjoyed the use of detail, as it added more depth to the piece. I really do love this story.
    June 11th, 2012 at 10:03am