Breakable Me - Comments

  • enjoy punk rock

    enjoy punk rock (200)

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    For some reason it double posted and I didnt write enough words so heres an addendum:

    You have a real talent for this! What a great opening with so much clear detail packed into 2 chapters! I love the amount of back story you have given us for Callie. In 2 chapters this story has really gripped me. Please write more! I'll be subscribing!
    June 10th, 2012 at 11:04pm
  • enjoy punk rock

    enjoy punk rock (200)

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    You have a real talent for this! What a great openning. So much clear detail packed into 2 chapters! It has really gripped me. Please write more! I'll be subscribing!
    June 10th, 2012 at 09:52pm
  • enjoy punk rock

    enjoy punk rock (200)

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    You have a real talent for this! What a great openning. So much clear detail packed into 2 chapters! It has really gripped me. Please write more! I'll be subscribing!
    June 10th, 2012 at 09:52pm
  • CultureCreator

    CultureCreator (100)

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    I really loved it!! When I started reading the summary, I thought "Good Lord! Another sappy love story? Great." But as soon as I read the last line in the summary, I knew that this would be different, and it was!! I love it so far! One of my biggest loves is that she didn't start spilling right away. It made her seem a lot more real because hey, let's face it, people are afraid to share intimate feelings like this. Keep up the fantastic work!! =D
    June 10th, 2012 at 09:35pm
  • orange county.

    orange county. (150)

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    Wow. That line at the bottom of the summary convinced me to keep reading. It was brilliant. The prologue was very engimatic, and I couldn't wait for her to get into her story. I also felt a lot of sympathy for Callie as I felt you captured her vulnerability so well - so that was good. I just really enjoyed the story.
    June 10th, 2012 at 09:26pm
  • Queen of the Clouds

    Queen of the Clouds (4955)

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    So when I first clicked on this story, there was no background. It was just a pale yellow and it was actually quite lovely. Plain, but easy on the eyes. Now, as I've clicked on some other links to have multiple tabs open, it's changed to having stars in the background, which I feel is inappropriate for the story (what I've read so far, anyway) and is a bit distracting. I'd say go nice and plain, and bring in the margins a bit, so the paragraphs don't go so far across the screen. The lines felt really long to me...

    But you probably don't want thoughts about the layout, you'd probably like more about the actual story. So, here are a few things to think about in the future.

    I think the intro was good. I have no idea what an "alma mater" is, but that could just be me and my own isolation... The first few sentences of it made me intrigued with the main character, though the part on Nolan seemed a bit cliché to me. However, that last line, in bold, was just brilliant. That's not something you see everyday, especially on this site, and it was pretty captivating and definitely makes you want to hit the Prologue link.

    I also like your writing style. It seems flawless; I haven't noticed anything to point out, regarding grammar or spelling, so that's good.

    I personally would have liked a bit more emotion, not just description of events, when she was having the flashback, just so her leaving the room didn't seem as random. I felt like there should have been a stronger emotion written into that part, something that really pushed her over the edge to leave the room, you know? It also sort of contradicted the last line of the prologue - it needed to be said. Well, why didn't she stay? Why didn't she force herself to speak up earlier? I think the last paragraph would have been better just ending with "... I would be normal again." That statement was much more powerful and makes you want to read more, which is a great ending to a prologue.
    June 10th, 2012 at 12:43pm
  • imbalance

    imbalance (100)

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    The summary was perfect and drew me in immediately, and I absolutely loved the prologue. It was so interesting and you managed to describe the emotion realistically. You wrote it so well. I quite like your writing style - it's simple and isn't hidden by flowery language that wouldn't suit this kind of story.

    There were a couple of errors:
    Anthony stretched over and unlocked the door. His car not new enough for automatic locks or windows. - I believe this should be one sentence, as the second sentence disrupts the flow of your story. Maybe just have a comma instead of a period.

    I had grow up with the same fifteen that were always in my class and... - The 'grow' should be 'grown.'

    The first chapter (not the prologue) ran a little too fast at first and kind of confused me; she went from having her acceptance letter to actually being at university in a couple of paragraphs. It would be better if there were maybe one or two paragraphs talking about moving into the university, saying goodbye to her grandparents, etc.

    One other thing: The title, while I love the 'bruises' and 'hidden', doesn't sound quite right. My suggestion would be to change it to something more like The Hidden Bruises, which would appeal more to me as a reader.

    The rest of this was lovely, and extremely interesting. I'm definitely subscribing.
    June 10th, 2012 at 12:18pm
  • Inked Art

    Inked Art (200)

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    I loved the summary. I thought it was absolutely perfect, especially that final line. It was the clincher, and completely drew me in. The prologue was quite interesting - I felt bad for Callie, but it made me all the more interested in what had happened to Callie; she reminds me a bit of myself, and she's definitely likeable.
    Chapter two was good as well. Despite never having been to college in America, I could imagine everything clearly and I'm sure I would have shared Callie's feelings in that chapter. Well done. A few grammatical errors here and there - in the first chapter I feel that this: ...unlocked the door. His car not new enough... should be one sentence with a comma instead of a full stop, as it doesn't really make sense as two sentences. When using ellipses as well, there should be three full stops/periods ... rather than the two you are using.
    Other than that, I really enjoyed it! Well done.
    June 10th, 2012 at 12:04pm
  • TheThirdAngel357

    TheThirdAngel357 (110)

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    This is so intensely sad. It gave me chills when she began her story and said "I was naive." Its things like that that immediately draw people in, that make them want to know "what was she so naive about? what changed her?" and that's exactly what it had me asking.

    I kinda want to marry this Anthony kid since he sounds like such a doll. You do have a few grammatical mistakes in here, but they're very easy to fix so it shouldn't take you long. Fantastic job!!!
    June 10th, 2012 at 10:35am
  • YouCan'tKillHeroes

    YouCan'tKillHeroes (100)

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    I reallt like where this is going so far! The summary was a little too long for my liking, but maybe that's just me. The layout is a little boring, but I don't judge a story on that! The text itself was wonderful. You did an amazing job with the dialogue and descriptions, and I felt like I was in the meeting too! Keep writing, you're very talented!
    June 10th, 2012 at 03:13am
  • WondrousSerendipity

    WondrousSerendipity (100)

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    Great so far. I love Callie's character, you've made it really well rounded and believable. Her contradictory feelings towards her abuser make her more real, I think. You let us see her feelings, but not in an over-the-top way, which is really refreshing. Really good job. A few typos but other than that the grammar is good and it's well written. Keep on going! :)
    June 9th, 2012 at 10:33pm
  • Thingtastic

    Thingtastic (360)

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    Lovely story, very well written and it started off with a nice prologue. However, the huge blocks of words are not helping. You should separate it a bit so its easier to read.
    I feel so bad for Callie, and I really want to know what happened between her and that awful boy.
    I feel bad for Anthony too and I already like his character.
    June 9th, 2012 at 08:38pm
  • Ronnie Mac

    Ronnie Mac (100)

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    Okay, first off, wow. I think that was a wonderful prologue; a wonderful way to get people hooked onto your story. I think that you brought out Callie's emotions in such an obvious yet subtle way and you did it very well.

    However, I would suggest changing your layout to one that would hurt the eyes a little less. There's too much white going on. Maybe you could enlarge the font a little bit, too.

    I would also suggest you figure out exactly what you want to happen in this story before you completely write it; it's really hard to write a story without knowing where it's going and once you've written it, it's really hard to change it to fit your image of where you want it to go. Otherwise, I find it's a very good start to what I'm sure will be a very good story. Best of luck!
    June 9th, 2012 at 04:25pm
  • atlas -

    atlas - (855)

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    I find the small font difficult to read, and it's hard on the eyes. But your story is amazing so far. I want you to ad in ASAP, please? So I can now thank comment swap for bringing me here, and you for making that happen.
    June 9th, 2012 at 08:26am