PLEASE update!
December 5th, 2011 at 03:33am
Oh, you made me smile. And I've only read two paragraphs.
Okay, first, if she was a mermaid, shouldn't the feeling of air on her face be more alien than water splashing her? Well.. I guess "splashing" can't really happen underwater, but that's just something to think about.
Oh, and you don't need an "on", and a comma is needed after "face".
"The water splashed my face, waking me up."
First, before I really start spouting phrase structure stuffs, I'm not trying to cramp your style. If you disagree with me, stick with your instincts! I'm not an absolute authority.
"I looked around, I was on sand, I was out of the water, I was breathing air." I'd substitute a semicolon for the comma after "around" just because the next three clauses use the linking verb "be". Okay, that was a lot of jargon... A semicolon would just even out the flow a little, I think.
"I looked down, legs." I'm gonna sound like semicolon/colon addict, but I'd switch out this comma. Probably for a colon, that'd make it seem like what she's observing is legs, not that she's only using legs as an interjection-sort-of thing.
This might be just my little nitpicky sort of thing, but I'd try to avoid using any words like now, here, this, today, etc. They are present tense verbs, and never really fit in with past tense... Eh. That's probably just me.
"I flipped my body on to my stomach, finding out how legs worked, but right now I just looked like a fish out of water." You might want to change this to "...stomach, trying to find out how..." This implies that she didn't get it immediately.
"Even thought that is what I really am." Pretty sure that should be a "though"... Oh, and I'd be careful using present tense here. It's not incorrect, it just implies some things about the narrator and such that you may not necessarily want to imply.
"I managed to work them and I was on the flat parts of my feet wiggling my stubby fingers on my feet." This sentence is a little confusing...
"How do these contraptions work? Maybe if I…they work!" I'd add a "I thought" tag around here somewhere.
You're starting a lot of sentences with "I..." which makes it choppy. It's always a good idea to vary sentence structure and subjects.
You might want to throw a description of Madison in there. Just a little one.. age, generics, outfit, something. Hey... Did Aaliyah just wash up with clothes on?
'It is my most prized possession. It is all I have left of home." You slipped into present tense here... and "it [was] all I [had] left of home." seems a little final for being so knew on land. It seems like, first, she'd have to realize she can't easily return home, and second, that it really is the only memorable thing she has. Unless it's a known truth(to her) disregarding the whole land thing that she can't return home. In that case, please ignore me.
Or is this a thought? It seems a little misplaced as a thought... I mean, I have a beloved stuffed cow, but I don't think "Oh, this stuffed cow is one of my prized possessions" when I pick him up. It's more like "Cowy!" but that's a totally different topic completely.
"Where am I?" Another thought. You could always use italics if you don't want to keep adding tags.
"“Hey guys I'm gonna head home early with Aaliyah, she’s kinda lost. I’ll see you guys at school."" Uhm... She doesn't give any explanation. "Hey guys, this is Aaliyah, she's kinda lost, so I'm heading home with her. I'll see you guys at school." seems more appropriate.
"Shoes? Is that what they’re called? I shook my head; definitely don’t have any of those…whatever those are." Made me giggle... Hehe!
"“Wow, and you’re a sweetheart.”" I feel like "and" should be italicized for emphasis...
"I wasn’t so sure what a ‘sweetheart’ is, but sweet is nice and delectable and heart is well…a heart. So a nice heart." Made me giggle, again. You're still a little fuzzy with tenses thought... it's tough because you're discussing definition which really doesn't change too much. I mean yes, but no.
"The question shocked me. a sister? I already had a sister back home. I couldn’t replace her with this alien. Is that how things worked here, you could just add another sister?" Hehe! Ay, me gusta. I do think that you want to capitalize that one "a" though.
"What did I just do?" I love that... one of the best endings ever!
Okay. So, it's just awesome. Just awesome awesome awesome. Stupendous. Spectacular. Hilarious! Loved it. You're voice is so great. It's funny, but real. Makes me really intrigued about further chapters... yeah. Loved it! Can't say that enough...
Trust me, I only nitpick if I like what I'm reading.
And, when you read all of this, please realize you are the writer, not me. You have the absolute authority on everything down to how you want to spell mermaid.
I really did like it though... subscription for sure!
