I'll Tell Him You're a Hero - Comments

Huh, I just realized that I had already read this. It seemed so good, though, that I couldn't help but read it a second time.
Like in my last comment, this is really sad.
It has a good... Plot, I guess. Like I'll tell him you're a hero", it just sets the perfect mood for the story.
For the title, though, I would capitalize it like this: I'll Tell Him You're a Hero.
I really like this :'D

*sadness*

First time I listened to that song, I cried. It was such a good song T^T

Nice, simple layout. Your story though was a bit rushed. I couldn't really get into her emotions because you didn't describe them well enough. I also think that his (whatever the thing on his grave is) should be italicized so it's different from the story, so we know it's on his tombstone. More imagery and maybe some of those fancy words added to this would make it sound beautiful.

Good job though <3

I found a couple of mistakes in the first paragraph, and it didn't seem to flow very well to me. That part could've just been me though. Other wise this was really well written and very touching.

It still gets to me. I really do like it, the grammar is much, much better, but as a grammar nazi, I unfortunately found i think i counted three more. but it was still understandable and striking! good job!!! continue with this one! :D I wanna read it :D

The first thing that kind of bugged me about this is the way the title is all in lowercase. Just a heads up, but I think you can get reported for that.

You're right that you have a couple of grammar and syntax errors. This is the first one I found:

She should have been celebrating her birthday, instead she was stood in a graveyard.

It should be, 'She should have been celebrating her birthday, but instead she stood in a graveyard.'

In the italics, you are also missing a fullstop at the end of 'forever'.

This was an excellent sentence in terms of the image it creates, but it could also use a semi-colon or a - :

Her swollen stomach showed the final reminder of her husband and what should have been, she had just found out she was having a boy.

Try, 'Her swollen stomach showed the final reminder of her husband and what should have been- she had just found out she was having a boy.'

This sentence needs restructuring:

As the final gunshot sounded of the military guns rang out.

Try, 'The final gunshot sounded as the military guns rang out.'

Overall, I thought that this was short and fairly sad. You manage to evoke some emotion. It's very simply told and incredibly straightforward, with no imagery, etc. which isn't to my taste personally, but perhaps that's what you wanted. I prefer things that are a little more unusual, but I can't really tell from here what the purpose of you writing this was.

Just fix up those sentence structure issues, and you will anyway have a smooth one-shot.

First off, I really do love me some military based stories, they always reach out to me as I'm seeing an air force boy and my brother in law is in the air force. Now, onto the story.

Your first paragraph is a bit choppy. It could use some editing and punctuation needs to be fixed within the sentences. Like there are sentences that end to quickly and need the following sentence to complete them. You know what I mean? The markings on his grave should be italicized so that your reader understands what the next paragraph is talking about.

This story was very sad and sweet all at the same time. To have a bigger impact on the reader, I suggest asking for someone to beta your story, they can pinpoint exactly what needs to be fixed. (:

This was just so saddening, so heartbreaking. I can never full relate to a story like this, I guess that makes me lucky, though I do imagine those who can relate will understand. I really felt for her and her little boy. I hope he turns out to be just as amazing as her husband, because he sounded fantastic.

If you're looking to improve the grammar and all of that, I can help! Here's what I found:
> She should have been celebrating her birthday instead she was stood in a graveyard. - I'd put a comma after 'birthday', it read better that way to me and allowed for a pause, a moment and then the heartbreaking realization of where she was.
> The third and fourth lines didn't read well either, you could revise them and consider rephrasing them. There stopped almost too abruptly.
> All their family stood around the coffin was lowered in the ground. - It seems like you're missing a word there, I'd recommend putting the word 'as' before 'the' to read "...as the coffin was lowered.."

There were a few other phrases down along that didn't read well to me, but I think if you just read over it then you'll find them and be able to correct them. If not, I can help editing it! I'm not the greatest thought >.<

I think the title isn't properly capitalized. Also, I saw that you posted this in October, it is now November and you haven’t edited your piece properly. Are you still on your iPod or have you not caught them?

the blonde woman Looked down - looked
Corporal.Robert Alex Waller - coma not period
forever remembered that fought – they fought?
amazing man, she didn't - remove the coma and put a period.
He never knew, - He would never know
As the final gunshot sounded, the final wound to her already broken heart. – this doesn’t sound complete. What about the final gunshot? What happens to the final wound?
below the ground, she wanted so much - remove the coma add a period.
why'd you leave me. - You need a question mark not a period.
Its a boy – It’s
before waking away – walking

I honestly couldn’t get into this because of the poor grammar. I think if you spaced out the paragraphs and corrected all of your errors it could be good. I also think you need to change the layout. It was really hard to read.

amazing :)

This was very nice! Well done, keep it up.

I really liked it, it got me intrigued, but some of the grammatical errors bothered me and i couldn't understand some parts. let me know when you update! :)

O____O
I REALLY like this!!! Having a brother in the Marines from around 2001 to 2007 I know the feeling of seeing some one you love leave and not know if they'll come home or not. I love the layout it's really easy to read, and the banner we have my brothers flag sitting on the stand in a flag box and a wall full of his plaques, pictures and certificates. I can say is you captured the emotions perfectly in this!

I really wish I could leave you a longer comment though but I can't find the words now.

I didn't really like the format; it confused me a little bit.

But I like the story and I can see the inspiration. This was very emotional and I loved the way you portrayed it. I think that I could have been longer maybe? But all in all, this was good.

This is really inspiring and good. I like your imagery and there is a lot of errors but I guess you said you would fix that. I like the feeling of this and how the man died a hero and she is trying to stay strong, I loved this so much, it was done well and your a good writer.

I must say, having the story inspired by Just A Dream really pulled me into being interested as to what the story was about. I absolutely adore that song. <3

You should try to always double space between paragraphs. Without the double space, it looks like there’s a lack of paragraphs which can really turn a reader off of the story.

I think you captured the emotion in the first chapter really well. It wasn’t rushed but not too overdone, it seemed to have just the right amount of emotion. So good job with that. (: The story sounds like it could be really interesting.

This is really depressing, but great just the same.
The format kind of bugged me, but nothing too bad.
Um... I didn't see any grammar or spelling errors, so that's good.
Really sad idea, but it's crazy how often people go through that kind of stuff.
Good job, keep writing(: