No Chance for Redemption - Comments

First off, I love the layout it’s gorgeous.

The first chapter is just wonderful. It really pulls you into the story. I loved how Dillon was described. I can easily picture him and he almost seems like he could be a real person. The use of words in this chapter was just brilliant.

I really enjoyed chapter two, and the introduction of Keiran. It was nice to get an outsider’s view of Dillon and his ‘friends’. The descriptions in this chapter were wonderful as well. It kinda sucks that there is no one willing to stand up to Dillon. I almost hope that eventually Keiran will decide to stand up for the other students, but I feel that that won’t happen just because everyone just wants to get through high school alive.

I really liked chapter three as well. It was good insight into the kind of things that Dillon and his gang do to torment people. I felt so horrible for Calvin and Cody. The end has me wondering, though, who is standing up to Dillon? (I’m betting its Keiran, but I guess I’ll have to wait to find out.)

Overall, I think this is a great story, and I’m definitely going to subscribe. It’ll be interesting to see how everything plays out. Both of you have wonderful writing skills and I really enjoyed reading this!

I love both of your writing.
You two make the characters seem realistic.
I really really hate Dilion. I kind of want to hit him accross the face with something big and heavy.

Oh gosh this absolutely terrific! I love each and every character in this story.
I can picture everything like it where a movie!
I hope you update soon because i will be looking forward to another amazing chapter.
:D

This is amazing! Just everything about this is amazing! The chapter has very strong character devlopment which is very important to have within the first haters is cudos. Lots of substance that the reader can lean on and actually visualize the scene you're trying to write out. The character Dilion is so ugh which makes him very relatable and realistic. Nothing bad to say so good job. :)

OOH! KEEP GOING, I'M HOOKED!
-V ;)

HOLY FUCK! Im so glad I found this story. In both chapters, everything is so...understandable and easily visualized to me. Its being told in the way that I think, through my perception of the world. If that makes sense. I find no flaws. I admit, I'm totally disgusted by the chauvenistic behavior of the boys, but I have a feeling they'll get theirs.

Hi I'm not in the mood to write something massive that reads into every aspect of the story because that kills the whole point of reading as being an entertainment activity. So all I have to say is I'm not fond of the writing style (mainly down to the fact I enjoy lots of metaphors and personifications and writing styles that barely make sense - so I don't like a lot of people's style) and I'm interested to how you intend to introduce a love interest. I'll probably read more when you update, which I hope to be soon c:

This story is so intense! I had chills going down my spine the whole time while I was reading it. You do a great job of portraying first someone who is, as I could see, completely evil, and then someone who really sees the truth. Your characters are very strong, and I think that's why the story is so intense. Because you put the emotion out there and make us feel through the strong characters.

Your writing technique is good, I just feel like it lacks an element that would make it memorable. Maybe a few revisions would help. I wish I could offer more on that point, but I'm really not sure...

But no grammatical mistakes! Which is really good for a piece that length. Good job:)

Overall I think it's a great story that has the heart and the characters, it's just missing a little something...special or extra? It's really very very good though, and I can't wait to read more of it!

Because this is a joint project with two authors, I'm not sure how well I'll be able to give concrit, but I'll do my best.

First of all, I love the layout. The background and the banner are just great. In terms of the summary, it gives me a good idea of what to expect, but I have two minor nitpicks about it. Firstly, you don't need to start two of your paragraphs with 'But'. I think that looks unpolished, since using 'But' as the beginning of a sentence is something you should avoid as a rule, and deliberately break convention with only when circumstance really calls for it. I also think think this paragraph could be broken into two sentences:

But now his games have changed, destroying friendships, exposing secrets, there is no one you can trust, it's everyone for themselves in this new dog-eat-dog world that has become Dillon's playground.

I would probably split it at 'There'. It's just a bit of an obstacle as it is. I might also put in a semi-colon after 'trust'.

In terms of the actual chapters, I like the way the first chapter begins with character development. Stories are always about their characters, in my opinion, and I think giving away the essential information on Dillon was a good way to start. Again, I think parts of the intro could use semi-colons or fullstops, because the structure rambles a little. The substance, however, is good. There weren't a lot of actual spelling errors, just little things like 'fat-ass' in place of 'fat ass' when you're being literal. That kind of thing is easy to slip up with, and easy to correct.

The second chapter is different, which probably reflects the fact that there are two authors here. The expression here is much more fluid, and I can't really fault the sentences. I do think, however, that some of the paragraphs are far too long. Format is as much about ease of presentation as anything, and so I might consider chopping some of them in half. For example, you could split the first paragraph at the sentence beginning, 'Well'. The third paragraph is also unnecessarily huge.

This said, I like your use of descriptive words, and I already feel like the characters are coming to life in these two chapters. I'm sure it will be a very good co-write!

Not a bad story, though I was kinda hoping the other maind character would be a girl, but I suppose it works either way. The layout reallys goes well with this story, but I think you have an error in one paragraph.

Where it says "Dillion didn't care, though, because..." you don't need the commas because it's weird to pause after that but other than that little error I don't see a problem with the story. It doesn't grab my attention as much though.

Summary: Agh, this was so captivating! It was so well written and it flowed so well! It pulled me in so easy it's not even funny. I was excited for the story before I even finished reading it. THIS is what all summaries should be like on Mibba: utterly captivating. It was so descriptive it gave me tingles.

Chapter one: First off, this line: "that only leads to died trying." was absolutely brilliant. I loved it. Actually, the whole chapter was brilliant. The way it was written was of a rare quality. I'd read this if it was an actual book. It should be a book... And this is only the first chapter!! 
Agh, the descriptions and comparisons and figurative language was BEAUTIFUL and so ridiculously spot on. Of course I don't like Dillon, but the way you wrote him? I'm. In. Love. I don't know how this is going to go or how it's going to turn out, but I'm excited and I can't wait.
Subscribing.

Alright. To start, I love your layout. The banner picture is really eye-catching, and the text is clear and not-obtrusive to read, like some people who put neon pink on black background. But yeah, your layout is nice, I love the wooden slats going down the sides, linking the banner picture of the lake in. Well, for me it does that anyway.
Riiiigggghhhtt... onto the content.
I love how you started it off, with the question, it throws the reader right in and immediately has them trying to answer it in their own mind.
I really like how there was no real physical description of Dillon, allowing the reader to construct him in their own mind. Smart move I think, as sometimes, imaging someone off a description can be hard work.
I spotted one little mistake
It’s was almost beautiful, how he controlled every single person in his line of sight. 'It's' should be 'it'. That was the only error I spotted.
I love how sinister he is. How he wont even pick on the little kids, he wants a challenge to bully. I loved how you closed the chapter. Just all around asking for more attention and leaving the reader wanting more.
Excellent job, I'll be interested to find out how this develops into a slash.

*Subscribes* =D

I love the layout, it is so... Pretty. The banner picture is really nice, too.
The summary is a good length, it tells me a little abou the story without giving too much away. Very nice job with that.
Tha chapter is a long one, but, you know, I'd probably be the only one to ever complain about that :tehe: I like it, for realz.
Good job with this. Can't wait to read more(:

Goodness, just my the summary, Dillon sounds like a big jerk. But I like how you compared Dillon to a puppeteer; I think it just adds to his personality and how the readers look at him when the start reading the story. The summery is just wonderful, and I can tell this is going to be a well-written story.

13 comments on what chapter. Respect, man. Now, really. This story just seems like it's going to be so great. Everything was flawless and beautiful. Beautiful is an awkward word to describe it seeing as that guy is a bastard, but that just proves how amazing that entire masterpiece was. So captivating and just grabs you and pulls you in from the first sentence. Dillion is completely complete in ONE chapter. It takes some authors a while to establish the character. But Dillion is perfect. Perfectly horrid, that is.

Subscribing for sure, and begging for an update.

Okay, first off, the first paragraph in the summary is creepy, but in a good way! Your description is almost flawless, and really captivates interest. The charecter dynamic is set up without giving too much away, which is brilliant. I love it.
The opening line in the chapter made me smile, it was just so blunt and to the point, it was a simple way to set the tone of the story. And the repition of 'bastard' I thought was well-done, it made me think that it must be a word that is thrown at him a lot, but he accepts it. The narration was very interestng as well, and I liked how you adressed the reader. The description of Derek was incredibly realistic, I like how you point out flaws in the characters as you describe them, rather than have another character point them out. I think it makes them more real.
Overall, this seems like a fantastic story and a great idea, I'm definetly subscribing :)

Now i feel like my head is going to be slammed into a locker. That's okay though cuz it'll never happen. This story. It moved the sadist inside of me. I am now quite the fan actually. All your stories are just amazing!

First off I like the layout,it's very nice. The summary was kind of long but it still drew me in. I hate when people write their summary they give the story away and it ruins it.

The first chapter was very well writen. Your details are very good, you can feel the emotion in this story. Some people really can't explain the emotion well enough but you did a good job on that. I like the idea of having a mean, heartless person for the main character, you can feel the mean he brings out.

And I'm sorry for the short comment my iTouch is going dead :( overall I love this story :)

The layout was really awesome. I'm not sure how you meant it it be, but to me it really emphasized how Dillon has his hold on the school and for him it's his kingdom.
You really got into the way he thinks with this chapter, describing how he wants to be remembered and his perspective about nice people. That was really cool. He's really a character that a reader loves to hate. You know?
I really enjoyed reading this and I hope to find out how exactly Dillon is taken off his high horse. Totally subscribing :)

Um, I have a few stories. Mostly I'm working on Guild and Be Mine (Leash and All). If you'd like to take a look at them, be my guest :)

First off, I love the layout and banner.

Secondly, oh wow.

I am amazed, blown away and horrified and so much all at once.

Your character was so, wow. I don't know how to say anything. I feel speechless.

If this character ends up sweet, I'll never figure out how. He's so much antagonism and anger and rage and so little sweetness and kindness that it's almost pathetic.

As for the writing, gorgeous. I loved reading it, every bit of it. I loved every single moment of it. I was worried at first, I'm just now doing my own half-slash story and so I'm pretty new to the whole thing. But, this was amazing and I am so glad that I had the priveldge of reading and reviewing it. The descriptions, comparisons and details were done more poetically that anything and that, personally, is what made it so wonderful.

Wonderful job, and I will be subscribing.