your description is good but in some cases unessesary. like the Ford focus description. I wouldn't say a 15mm glock with semi-automatic fire, instead i'd simply say, a dark black eye stares at me, an eye that be longs to a gun.
also there is very little 'distance' detail, which is a reader weekness. Here is what I do when getting the scenery ready for my characters entrance. I describe it from a distance, then I describe it up-close, and last but not least I describe it from my characters POV. So if I am describing snowing mountains from a distance this is how I would do it.
Pale blue shark teeth bite the distant horizon. The crowd of mountains that gather together not far from my village are blocking the new morning sun as usual. But without the mountains there would be no stream passing through the village. From the village the mountains look calm and beautiful, something you’d only see once in your lifetime, but from where I stand I don’t have much life left. The mountain shrieks and blows at us with such incredible force. My beard is sprinkled with snow flakes and frozen spit that uncontrollably dribbles from my lips. I wish I’d never thought of climbing to the top of the mountain.
i hope i helped and wish you the best of luck
October 24th, 2011 at 10:33am
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also there is very little 'distance' detail, which is a reader weekness. Here is what I do when getting the scenery ready for my characters entrance. I describe it from a distance, then I describe it up-close, and last but not least I describe it from my characters POV. So if I am describing snowing mountains from a distance this is how I would do it.
Pale blue shark teeth bite the distant horizon. The crowd of mountains that gather together not far from my village are blocking the new morning sun as usual. But without the mountains there would be no stream passing through the village. From the village the mountains look calm and beautiful, something you’d only see once in your lifetime, but from where I stand I don’t have much life left. The mountain shrieks and blows at us with such incredible force. My beard is sprinkled with snow flakes and frozen spit that uncontrollably dribbles from my lips. I wish I’d never thought of climbing to the top of the mountain.
i hope i helped and wish you the best of luck