The White Cross - Comments

Hey! I’m here from comment swap.
I’m finding your layout kind of hard to deal with. The extreme contrast between black and white is kind of a strain, and it’s so grungy that it’s kind of distracting from the story itself. Just an observation.

You have a strong start with the first few paragraphs. Describing the house, the brief flashback, and the emotions between them are all really well done. You don’t need to necessarily spell anything out. It’s everything you need.

But after the story returns to the present, it loses something. The dialogue’s a little stilted and redundant. They agree to leave the house, agree to get food and then Noah says let’s get out of here and go for walk. Other than a dialogue there’s not much going. What are they doing while they talk? Try breaking it up a little, sine you have Dialogue, Tags. Dialogue, Tags. Anyway, this is pretty interesting, but could use a little work.

I really like this! I love how well you were able to tell the story of what happened without stating it directly. The mystique made the story really intriguing and kind of addictive in a way. A little bit more development could make this even better, but overall, a good short story.

This is an amazing story. You should, however, add a description and a bit more detail about the main character. I do really like it, though. I'm glad that the comment swap thingy brought me here. The layout is pretty overused.. :p

I loved the idea of this story, and it is very well written but it needs a little more revision. Your layout is especially troubling. For such a serious, dark story, the layout is too distracting. If you need help creating a story layout, check the forums. As for the story itself, the organization is a little messy. I don't like the ending at all--instead of telling us what happened, use a flashback instead, maybe insert the full event into the panic attack. All in all, you have a good idea here and it just needs a little bit of elbow grease to fix it up into something even better.

I loved the idea of this story, and it is very well written but it needs a little more revision. Your layout is especially troubling. For such a serious, dark story, the layout is too distracting. If you need help creating a story layout, check the forums. As for the story itself, the organization is a little messy. I don't like the ending at all--instead of telling us what happened, use a flashback instead, maybe insert the full event into the panic attack. All in all, you have a good idea here and it just needs a little bit of elbow grease to fix it up into something even better.

When I started reading the second paragraph, that was when it hit me: someone must have passed away, and you do not know how giddy that made me feel. I also like how you said the word "her" and "she" without fully addressing who that person is until later on (I truly think that makes the story all the more captivating). I honestly really enjoyed this so very much. I cannot even. I think you did a good job of portraying your main character's perspective; you made your character really FULL, as if you know her so well. I can empathize with your character, thanks for your descriptions, and I almost felt like I myself have lost someone. This was really beautiful and candid. <3