The Breaking of Time - Comments

This is so well written!!! I love the detail you put into it, kinda reminds me of Doctor Who but I love it!!

this is really awesome so far! Haha, all I can think of Maurice as is Gaius ;P
really good, keep going!
-V ;)

Sorry it took a while to get to this. :) First thing I always comment on is the layout, it's a pre-made layout and so I would just recommend having someone make you a prettier layout or making your own. These layouts never make your story look good.

That is, until she is given a chance to travel through all of a time with the end of this bit doesn't make much sense. I'm not sure what you're trying to say. The summary didn't really catch for me and I feel like it gives too much information. While the concept of time travel is interesting enough, it didn't stick to want me to read. And the phrasing is a little off.

The prologue is definitely more intriguing. I found a few misspellings and grammatical errors but none that completely ruin the piece. I would recommend going through and re-reading and what not. I like the overall plot line you have going and am interested in seeing what you come up with next.

So far I have read up to the first chapter. I am quite interested in this story. The way charlotte acts towards Ben when they first meet. Sounds like every girl I know when they meet some cute guy. Please do continue this. I would love to read more, and do plan to finish what you have now.

This is a really cool idea, like no joke.
I do suggest creating a layout for this story, though, it makes people more interested in what you are writing about.
I only really skimmed over the first chapter, but it's really good.
I think I'm going to get around to finishing it later, I really liked it.
Good job, I didn't see really any grammar or spelling errors(:

The prolouge was so epicly cut that i said "aaaaaw!!!" out loud. Everyone looked at me weired, but i dont care beacuse of the amount of emotion this story conveyed. I love this, and i cant wait to see what all plays out! Amazing story!

You've written a great summary that's definitely going to draw readers in. It seems really interesting and I don't think I've read anything else like it. You gave away enough so that the reader knows what's going on, but not enough that surprises are ruined.

I love all the unique things in the first chapter. I love how she has a job engraving rings. That's so unique and different. It would have been cliche to hear a loud, rude rapping on the door in the first chapter, but it's unusual that the woman with white hair waited for so long and so politely when she had something important to tell her. I like how this isn't another coming of age story where the girl is growing into herself, but she seems to already know who she is and what she needs to do which is really refreshing. The only thing I was a little confused on is how the white haired lady and the girl know each other. I'm sure you'll explain it in later chapters, but it makes it kind of confusing now. I ended up rereading the chapter trying to figure out how I'd missed reading who she was.

In the second chapter, I really liked the new character, Ben. He seems very interesting and it's kind of funny how he keeps reappearing and leaving. The only thing I had a little bit of a problem with was describing his clothes. It puts some readers off the story when a character's clothes are described. Maybe it would have been better to say something like "He was dressed lightly for such a cold night." It's just a suggestion and I don't have a problem with clothes being described, but I know some people do, so I thought I'd mention it.

I really liked how Charlotte had to be the one to figure things out in the third chapter and he didn't just explain things to her because you made it much more interesting to the reader. I like how this story is easy and enjoyable to read. I could easily imagine it being something that would be interesting and relatable to a lot of people.

I liked the dynamic between Charlotte and Ben. They seem to fit so well together. The only thing I'm having a little bit of a problem with it how quickly she trusts him and agrees to go along with him. It seems a little implausible.

This is really cool, and i keep thinking of Doctor Who and Merlin (the british tv shows) ;P I really like this so far, keep writing!
-V ;)

Your summary is quite fascinating, it captured my attention as I always get interested when someone says, "Not your average blah blah,", 99% of the time my attention is piqued, even though the phrase is quite overused, it still has a way of grabbing people's attention which I like. I think the third sentence in your summary is far too long though, it's almost a run on sentence. You could easily break the whole sentence into two separate sentences, and just pause after the word 'them' and begin a whole new sentence.

You have a clear, quite fluid writing style and it's very easy to follow what's going on but I agree with marquise., you don't always explain the characters' connection with one another. You have a wonderful way with emotions though, you could totally sense the old woman's desperation in the first chapter, at how she really wants the person who can save the world to be found and it just gives a sense of eeriness to the story and you wonder how it's gonna pan out. There are a few slip ups in grammatical mistakes that could easily be avoided, but other than that, good job!

First of all, this story is so…Shakespeare. Or modern day Shakespeare I should say. But I understand it. It’s amazes me that there’s such great writers on this site. The emotion. I felt it. I felt like I was in the story. I felt like the ring maker. This was so…beautiful. Beyond that actually.

I find it hard to search for good writers in this world, but this, this was just it. This should be published. If I was in one of those high positions, I would have you published in a second. I didn’t see any grammar mistakes, but if there was any the story was so great that I missed them. You should definitely post more stories on here.

I’m gonna subscribe to this, because I do that to stories I like. :p Good job. Hey, 141 word comment.

This is extremely well written, and I felt the pre-made layout you had was a nice choice. <3 The summary is interesting and I like how this story deals with time, a very compelling sort of thing.

Although already stated, you have a wonderful writing style. It's straightforward, but has a beautiful air about it that I really admire, and all the elements you have in this first chapter really draw the reader to read on until the very end, and then want to go to chapter two. :) The only thing, is I find it a bit confusing. Especially who these people are. I suggest adding more of what the background is. Give a few sentences explaining who the characters are in relation the the story and each other. Otherwise, it's hard to understand and comprehend. All I really wanted to know was who that woman was and you didn't give too much on that. You don't have to give a lot, just a little to understand "Oh, she's her friend/guardian." Or whatever. Otherwise, it's wonderful, and I like it a lot.

This looks really interesting. This story actually kind of reminds me of Doctor Who, with the time travel and all that stuff. Keep it up!

This looks really interesting. This story actually kind of reminds me of Doctor Who, with the time travel and all that stuff. Keep it up!