Two Worlds - Comments

After almost every 10 words, you use "..." which is really very irritating.

I felt that the first few chapters were rushed; so much happened that could have been expanded a bit more. Maybe a bit more about their life in Beverly Hills, about what they were leaving behind, more about the school she's now going to, maybe a little more about her siblings and how close her relationship with them is. Just small stuff like that.

What I do like is the fact that they moved into a creepy house in a small village that everyone knows about and that most people are scared of. How would they have known that before moving there? I think it makes Spencer more interesting since she has to figure out that the house she moved into (not her chose, of course) is "haunted" and most likely has a past to it that she doesn't know about.

So far, the story is very interesting, but just a little rushed. However, I understand why; before getting to the good stuff in a chapter, there needs to be a little background information or build-up, which you have done wonderfully.

Greetings from comment swap! I can see that you obviously put a lot of work and effort into this, and it shows. One thing I noticed was that your grammar was very good, which is something that most works on here lack. Your layout and writing was good, I liked how you started the first chapter with dialogue because it hooks the reader. The characters were also relatable and likeable (to some extent, personally I love England and I live there so Madison annoyed me at first) One criticism I have is that the font was so tiny, it gave me a headache to read. Also maybe include more description, though your use of dialogue was impressive. Most people tend to struggle with that. Keep writing!

Hello, from comment swap

I found minor grammar errors and sentence structure errors, but nothing else grammar wise. I found the story very engaging, loved the way how you began the first chapter in the middle of a conversation, it makes the readers force themselves to catch up to what happened as if they were in the story themselves. Your summary was too long, I honestly thought it was the prologue, you should take out that first bit in italics and make it a prologue, it'd be very good. Your story seems very original, I enjoyed it, great job!

*comment swap*
I really like this! Your story is very imaginative so it's really easy to picture everything as it goes along. The characters are great and so's the plot. It's very original and unique, keeps the reader gripped throughout. I haven't ever read a story like this and I don't think I'll ever come across one like this again! Keep writing :) x

*Comment Swap*
Okie dokie, I don't have anything much different to say than the people below me. This story is great! Your characters are done pretty well and the way you write is very easy for me to picture in my head. I didn't see any grammar errors or anything so your good there too. My only problem with it would be that I don't typically like science fiction, but that's my fault not yours. All in all, great story! And I liked your layout ;)

So I just re-read the story and again cried and laughed and smiled. How I miss this story, I hope one day you will write a sequel even a short story or epilogue or short story, preferably a sequel. Anyways just wanted to let you know :)

So, my friend told me to read this because she thought it was amazing and wouldn't stop talking about it, and so I began reading it as well. So far I'm on chapter eleven and now I can see why she hooked.

I really love this story. Not only am I sucker for these type of supernatural stories but it's your execution of it. The dialogue is strong and the characters are quite dynamic and not flat at all. There are some spelling mistakes in the first few chapters, more than say later in the story, so I would suggest reading through the first chapters again and cleaning it up a bit. But all in all this is such an enjoyable read that is quite polished as well.

I received this story in the comment swap, so I decided to jump into the middle of the story and read a few chapters. I imagine you get a lot of swappers who read the beginning, so hopefully this will give you feedback on a different part. I started on chapter 21.

I like the opening line, with the description of his voice as "sudden." That's not a typical description, so it's interesting.

From what I've read, I think you have really strong dialogue in this story. Not only does it get across the information you need, but you've got a strong voice and characterization of each character. I think the kissing scene in Ch. 21 is a good example of that.

""There's no such things as waking up in the middle of the night and going to the bathroom?""

"He started laughing even more after the time went by and I hit his shoulders. "What is wrong with you?""

Lines like that differentiate the characters, and their level of concern and show their relationship dynamic.

You use a lot of adverbs, especially the word "slightly," and I think at times it becomes a bit over descriptive. A few strong words can be better than many little, descriptive ones.

Another technical thing I noticed while reading is that you have verb tense wobble. For example,

"A girl's voice came from the other room and entering the room with the stairs." (Ch 22)

You have a past tense verb, came, and a present tense verb, entering, and they don't match. Entering should be "entered."

Your summary is a bit long. There is so much going on with it that I just wanted to skip over it and start reading the chapters. I noticed quite a few spelling errors in your story.

super duper should have a dash in between the words; super-duper.

wrong; right

layed; laid
definitley; definitely
rennovations; renovations
matresses; mattresses
goosebumps; goose bumps
Cambrdige; Cambridge
pounted; pounded

just in the first chapter. I'd suggest you'd go back and re-read what you have written. There are a lot of punctuation errors as well. I also don't like that you use an 'arrow' (->) to point out that it's next week or the next day. Maybe get ahold of a story divider.

As for the plot I really like it. I don't think I've ever read anything like this, maybe The Time Traveler’s Wife but this is much different than that, and I really have liked reading this.

I have to agree with Bunny, the layout is fantastic! I love that the story is set in England, I'm a total Anglophile and the country fascinates me. You have an excellent writing style, very clear, and you don't ramble off on a tangent, which happens to me a lot when I first begin writing a story. I've only read the first couple of chapters, but I will definitely be back to read more!

I'd like to start this off by saying that I adore the layout. It's incredibly sophisticated, which goes along with the overall concept very well, and just screams 'read me.' The sepia style photo was a great additive, too!

Although I've only read the first few chapters, I felt that I simply had to comment. This is an absolute work of art in its own right. Beautifully written. I love everything about this; the characters, their personalities, the plot the description and intricate detail you've put into it... Everything. Great job!

I love the layout.
As far as the story, your writing is very neat and easy to read. It definitely keeps me interested and wanting more, and I only read the first couple chapters! I'll be coming back later to finish it :D
Please, keep writing!(:

this is really good. maddy is kind of bratty sometimes, but i guess i understand. she's a great character though, not at all one dimensional like some on mibba. the really little details are my favourite part, it really just carries the story.

You have a very clear voice in your stories. It's very well written. I enjoy reading it because it makes me guess what's around the next corner. I'm very intrigued by this story. One thing I'm confused about, an d I'm not sure if it's just me or if I just haven't read enough yet, but does the main character have two first names? Once again, I probably haven't read enough yet, but it's definitely going to the top of the pile of books to read. Keep up the good work. :D

You have a very clear voice in your stories. It's very well written. I enjoy reading it because it makes me guess what's around the next corner. I'm very intrigued by this story. One thing I'm confused about, an d I'm not sure if it's just me or if I just haven't read enough yet, but does the main character have two first names? Once again, I probably haven't read enough yet, but it's definitely going to the top of the pile of books to read. Keep up the good work. :D

I've found it very interesting. I'm definitely going to subscribe so I can read more about it. But I did like it. Keep up the good work. :D

You have an interesting story here, and a gorgeous layout. I love the colors, the way they compliment each other, and the texture that the pattern gives your background. As for your story, I'm a history buff so I was excited to read it. Then I read your disclaimer and was disappointed. You really should read up on history, at least a little bit, before writing a piece like this. Without the fact and real-life events of it all, there's a sense of reality that your story will always be lacking. Great job, however, and I'm interested to see how it turns out for your characters.

wow, what a summary! well done and very, very intriguing. maddy is sort of a brat, wow. it's not her dad's fault the business was failing; he got them what he could, she should've been grateful for that! i don't understand english schooling at all, but i'm pretty sure they'd make anyone conform to their standards, regardless of who their dad was ;) i like how it is so different. today mibba's been taking me ona lot of time traveleing fics, so i'm starting to notice all the different ways to transition- and i'm excited to see how yours does1 this was very well done, though, for what i've read; your writing style is easy to follow and entertaining enough and it doesn't drag anywhere too much. so, lovely work!