Monsters - Comments

This hits really close to me since I've watched three of my family members die. It's a heartbreaking experiance, and isn't expressed through writing enough.

So, this scared the life at of me at first. Scarry things scare me, you know? So I was like, "Please! No monsters! Please no monster!" I'm reading this at almost midnight by the way. I'm in a dark room. Ahem. I should be scared.

Anyway, this was very dramatic but very realistic. Things like this happen alot and it's sad but true. I'm glad you're a good writer and you know the amount of description and dialogue that needs to be used. This was lovely yet so sad. I luf. I subscribe. :"D

A few people have already offered you the critique I was going to, so I'll just tell you that this was a lovely piece. Fix the punctuation and a bit of the awkward phrasing, and it'll be excellent!

"More and more pushes I gave, but less and less movement he made." This line was probably my favorite. Simply beautiful. :)

Nice work, especially for a first try! Keep writing!

For the summary, I probably wouldn't do the whole, "This is going to be about..." thing. You know how your teachers always tell you not to do that in your papers? At least, mine did. And they were right, for once. :D

You should probably spell out 2:45, because it just looks weird when you keep it as the numbers. ANYWAY, this was really sad. It was kind of confusing because there were so many characters and so little words, but I could still understand what was happening. It's sad that they were too late, but that's life. Some of the wording is a little awkward in this, but you said this is the first short story you've written so that will come with writing more.

COOL STORY, BRO.

The piece is very heart warming and sad in a way. Clearly, he died to go see his wife, and I'm curious if it was a suicide. Normally, vomit like that can happen from an overdose of medication. The side of him going to die in earnest to see his wife is sweet. The way he died, was very morbid and almost foreboding in a way. I do think you should go through this piece and definitely edit though, there are some sentences that seem to be either missing words or punctuation. Also, I feel that if someone were in a panic such as this character that they wouldn't bother calling their wife a pet name, but her actual name. Or just, shouting to call 911. Otherwise, nicely done. :]

That was so sad! He just lost his mome and then his dad dies. poor guy.

Alright, I think this was pretty good for being the first story you've posted on here. But you'll have to excuse me if any of this sounds harsh, because I'm just going to do some nit-picking, aha.

First, the flow of everything kind of seemed off. It was very choppy to read, and the sentences kind of seemed like the cut off in odd places sometimes. Maybe if you added a few more sentences here and there it would fix that.

I think if you added more description as well, it would give us a bit more information as to what is going on. I didn't realize that your character was old enough to have a wife and kids until you said something about them, other than the whole 50 years of marriage thing. I couldn't really see the story happening in my mind either, because you didn't really describe too much of it.

The vomit was everywhere. All over his grey shirt and black sweats. And all over my shirt.
This sentence was kind of awkward to read because it was so choppy. I think if you did something like "The vomit was everywhere; all over his grey shirt and black sweats and all over my shirt" it would be aa bit less awkward to read.

But anyways, I really did like the concept of the story. I think if you were to turn this into a chaptered story, it would work, but it also works as a one-shot. Nice job :)

Haha thank you. Yes my punctuation is that of a 4th graders but I'm always interested in learning. Thank you for the critique. :)

Awww, that was sad. I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm saying I'm sorry. But I am.
You have nice diction, but poor use of punctuation. Like, at one point you ended a sentence like this: !".
You don't need that period at the end there.
Also, you missed a few commas. I just thought I should point that out to you, I'm not trying to b-tech you out or anything.

I think it would have been better with a hand made layout. Remember that if you don't know how to make one or aren't comfortable with them, there are others willing to help.

I feel like a little more background on him and his parents would make this story complete. You don't even have to make another chapter, either. Just talk more about his parents, their relationship, even about him and the family he has.

Other than that, this story was heartbreaking. Good job.