Kiss Me Before I Die - Comments

It took some persistent digging and all his connections to learn she’d been rescued, after her family were dragged away an Erased. ~ just missing the d in and.

I wasn't sure if this was a mistake, but just in case:
Grabbing a stack of dried backing sheets, Gabe helped store them in their appropriate shelves. ~Is it supposed to be baking sheet? I'm not sure, I'm no baker so maybe there are things called backing sheets. XD

She had let her hair grow longer, even tied back in a ponytail it reached her waste. ~It should be waist. I know what was meant by this sentence, but I was confused by it at first and had to reread this line. Maybe it should be "...to a length now that even with it tied back in a ponytail, it reached her waist."? (Just a suggestion, obviously from my point of view.)

But anyways...ooooh, I like the stealthy feel of this chapter. It started out very warm, very fitting to a bakery setting. I don't know what it is about bakeries in stories, but I have a strange fascination about them. I mean, I love bread and baked good, but something about a story that has great details of a bakery has a very inviting feel to it.
I'm making another random and odd reference, but there is a Ghibli movie Kiki's Delivery Service and there is a bakery in that movie...I love that scene from the movie ever since I was a little kid. I guess I make that warm association to that.

But anyways, I bring this up because this goes to show how great you are with details. I say a successful writer is someone that can stir up thought and real emotions and feeling from their readers. And look, you have me making references and thinking warm thoughts with just the details!

Onto more of the story...ah, we finally get to see some of the resistance members. Intriguing, I want to read more into their stories...

haha, it was an enjoyable chapter, I'm looking forward for more! =D

Ah...I can see more into Roxanne's personality. She has a slightly bit more of the snobby personality to her, with the concerns of society class. But as you read, you learn that she does have a heart that goes against the aristocratic ideas.
And poor Nathaniel; it's almost heartbreaking to see someone so broken like this. As for Asher, i can understand where he's coming from, being a person from a family of such high stature. I can see where he is reacting from even though I didn't like how he initially reacted. But he made up for it by showing that he, too, had a heart.

Again, just a few minor errors:
The artists gaze seemed glued to the bright light falling through the stain glass window, as if fascinated. ~ It should be artist's.

Roxanne narrowed her eyes at them, only slight offended Asher was being this familiar with someone several classes lower. ~It should be slightly.

I also noticed that even though the story is told in third person, the readers are allowed to be connected to Asher because everything it told from his eyes. I like this a lot.

And when the scene shifted into the break of chaos; abrupt transition actually worked well, seeing that the emergency came out of nowhere. I was really caught off guard here; I could imagine the chaotic space.
I also like that you put in more of the futuristic aspects into the story. I swear, the more I read, the more I picture this like FFXII...that is a compliment, btw. XD

In this chapter, the tension within the family was more visible, and I'm curious to learn more about what is going on...

Hmm...very intriguing; your summary is great and catching my interest without revealing too much about the story. What is Asher getting himself into? Who is this mysterious character?
The layout isn't bad either, but outside of the colors, does it really fit into the story?

Ah, there were some minor spelling misses in the first chapter:

"...he watied for the first bolt of lightening to appear..."

"...The trill of that memory hummed through him every time he stared into the endless skies..." ~did you mean thrill?

This wasn't a spelling error, but it confused me a bit:
600,000 she carried, each native severing to ensure her continual flight: and their own survival. ~Severing, or maybe "serving"? I'm not sure what was meant here...

“You’re impossible. Can’t you just do this because I’m a wonderful sister too you?” Roxanne huffed impatiently. ~to, not too; very minor mistake.

At first it was slightly confusing, but I think it's because it is an original story set in an original setting, that I just had to get used to it. Kind of like starting a new game and having to learn the rules and layout of it...does that make sense?
You're very good with detailing; especially when you got into Asher and Roxanne getting ready for the art gallery.

As for the setting of the story, as I read, I get this image that Eutopia is a very orderly place. I am guessing that this place got its name from "Utopia" meaning a place of ideals; a perfect place? the way you described it sort of breathed the ideal of efficiency, especially when you mentioned the cars. Even the security of the place, and how Asher had the citizen's ID.
I also like the aristocratic feel I get from Asher and this art gallery event he is going to. It kind of starts painting into the characters' personality and background without straight out saying "Hey, he's rich."

This may come off strange but I'm going to make a reference. I love video games, and this first chapter's scene reminds me a place in FFXII called Archades (I believe) with rich people and places reserved exclusively for "the privileged". I also kinda get a futuristic sense to this story.

Oh, and the moment Asher saw that Untamed Rebel painting...I feel like you were able to express his thought process perfectly. I even felt that I was shocked along with him. It was extremely effective, and I was carried right along with the descriptions of this painting.

It's only the first chapter and I'm liking the sibling relationship between Asher and Roxanne. Right down to the arrangements they have, they almost seem formal to one another but still very close.

Oh geez, I went on a rant for this chapter. I'll leave it with this for now as I read the next chapter. Shall I comment the same way for the next chapters as well?

Outside of the minor spelling mistakes, I like this chapter a lot. =D
Keep it up!

I think the bright purple writing on the black background is rather off putting, and when I see text like that I dont tend to read the whole story.

I think you did a brilliant job on the summary, and the line I liked the most was All to save some girl whose name he didn’t know, but whose eyes he could never forget. although it is a bit cliche'd it was effective.

Also he’d begun as an eight years old It should either be at eight years old, or as an eight year old.

I think your description of Eutopia is really very well executed, you're good with metaphors and descriptions, its a strong point of yours :] However the name 'eutopia'is very over-used when it comes to sci-fi stories, its always used to name a certain mysterious, omnious made-up location.

I liked Asher, which is always good, you want your readers to connect and relate with the main character, his name also gives off a sense of 'foreign' if that makes sense? His name very much suits him.

I think the plot line is good, and your writing style is fluid and well developed. Im intrigued to see how this story continues.

First I gotta say
I love your layout.

Now with your story
First I'm gonna say this, I admire that you attempted Sci-fi and actually pull it off.
Your characters do have some realism, which I like; most characters I've seen don't seem too real.
You developed them real well, dialogue moves smoothly also. Also I love the names, very cool.
Also you don't need worry, your story is going at a right speed; and it's easy to follow.
I can't wait to see where this is headed.

Keep up the good work
<3

First of all, I loved the opening line. It's the kind of question that everyone asks themselves at some point, especially after something big or life-changing has happened. So immediately that drew me in as I knew that something interesting must be going on here!

he watied for the first bolt ~ I think it should be "waited". But that was pretty much the only spelling mistakes I saw, so it's fine :)

I like how you've written about Eutopia, it sounds really interesting and unique, it's got a kind of sinister twist to the way you've written about it which makes it obvious something isn't quite right. And Asher seems to be a really interesting character as well, kind of adventuress and not afraid to take risks which is something I love in characters. I also like the way he interacts with his sister, the dialogue seemed to flow quite well.

I love the little bits of information about this world that you're putting in, it's nice that it's not all flung in at once. I've never been able to write sci-fi, so I always admire people that can. The characters all seem really well-rounded and the different relationships are interesting to read about, and I'm really interested to see where this is going, I'm definitely subscribing :D

good joob, i really like it ;D

I just read this amd I like it. Good job :)

Well for starts "The.Broken.Ballarina" Lord is simply a title that exists in todays age. It's very modern-and in fact more advanced then our time frame. The first few paragraphs talk about a city(or ship) that flies through the sky. My only conclusion is that you didn't actually read very far before giving up - or more likely just didn't read past the summary. None of your comments pertain to the chapter in anyway - only the layout and summary.

First of all, the layout doesn't quite fit the time period and tht threw me off a bit. I see his headphones and the city, and it makes me wonder why there is a Lord in the summary because as far as I know, they ddin't have electricity nevermind headphones back then.

To be honest, I had to force my way through the chapter. I don't know why, since I actually really love science fiction. This, not to be mean, it bored me a bit. I know it's only the beginning, but I think you should add something, something to add a little more unf into the first chapter so your readers will WANT to read the next chapter. Something to make them feel intrigued.

I was written pretty decentlt though. I didn't see any mistakes, which is great. All I've got to say is add a little more unf~!

(if I offended you in any way, please know that I meant no offense and was only trying to help.)

Thanks for the suggestions guys. And Innocent wolves - I'll take your advise about the layout and extra titles ;)

It's mentioned above but yeah - somewhat pretty layouts count a great deal on here. Just by first glance I will say that this one looks a little busy; it's not just that the alignment of the banner is a little off, but there's a lot going on in the background as well. I suggest you keep it simple :) That said, the font isn't hard to read or anything, so that's a plus.

I like the summary; I don't think it's too long at all and it makes me curious, so yeah, I like it. It fits the story. Okay - I'm just being picky right now but I think the copyright and your name would look better at the end of the summary. Also, it's probably not necessary to type the story title again seeing as it's already there. It's just looks a little weird. At least to me, it does. Same goes for the chapter title, it could be put next to the "chapter 1" you've already got there. Maybe the italicized text is supposed to be a small intro, but... yeah. I honestly think it's just bothering me that I'm not getting to the actual chapter because of that, so I could be the only one who thinks this though x)

Black clusters swirled and thickened. Pulled together by an unseen angry energy. Muffling the static raw power that snarls at the oblivious world below. The storm is building, waiting, but not for long. I love this opening. It's very mysterious and kind of spooky at the same time. I think it's great and that it creates a cool image :)

I would say shorten the chapter, but I don't see where you can actually break it half or anything... I'm hoping this is just an introduction so we get to know more about the actual world - I think a lot of dialogue like that with not a lot of background info weaved into gets a little... chatty. I think you could have said something more about the Marcellos somewhere in there, for example. I didn't think it was boring, but since it's the first chapter and it's so long, I would have liked to know more about them, that's all. I understand that you want to drop a few hints in the dialogue, but it's a lot of things that suddenly gets referred to; shadows, Enforcers - that stuff. It's a lot to process, since we as readers don't know the world. So I'm hoping you're going to explain a little better later on :)

Overall, your language is good, I like your writing; it suits the story. I hope you keep going with this :) Good luck!

I like the summary. It's intriguing enough without giving too much away and makes me very curious about this girl. But, there was no way he could have [know] - should be "known." Summaries should be perfect, at least grammar and spelling-wise. They're the first (hopefully not the last) things your readers see.

The plot seems really interesting so far, but there are a lot of things that need clearing up, maybe in later chapters, like more information about Shadows, rebels, rules in Eutopia, who the Marcello's exactly are, what the painting was about. That sort of stuff.

As for characters, I would like to know more about Roxanne's mother, since "like mother like daughter" was mentioned twice. As to making them stronger, do you mean more believable? More likable? I think a way to do this would be making them break out of stereotypes.

Right now, Roxanne seems like a spoiled rich girl. But I can't say she's a "brat," not after sticking up for Nathaniel. I think developing her kind side will make her a stronger character.

Asher, on the other hand, only seems like an angsty teenager. But I guess this will change when he meets the girl with violet eyes? I hope so.

There are also a bunch of typos, the most distracting was using "too" instead of "to." But all in all, I was entertained, so, good job.

Sorry, tags = (b)(/b) and (i)(/i), only with [] brackets.

^ Okay, firstly, you probably shouldn't ask that kind of thing in your comments section. The comments section is like a guestbook for other users, seeing as the comments you collect here contribute to your story's rating. Try making a journal or heading to the forums in future.

Just to quickly answer your question, bold is done with the tags and and italics are done with and. Write the text in between those tags to get the effect.

As for your actual story, I can see that a lot of effort has gone into it, but I think you could be falling into the trap I initially did of treating Mibba like Wattpad, or something more like an e-book site. Mibba is actually a pretty pedantic site with specific tastes, so banners on here don't look like novel covers, and stories aren't written like books. It might be creatively stifling, but fitting in line with the expectations here (pretty layout, banner, shorter, blurb-like summaries and chapters in bite-size) tends to earn you more of an audience.

For example, what you have at the beginning of Chapter One here really belongs in the summary, and what you have in the summary belongs in prologue between that and the first chapter. Currently, your format is just confusing.

The story itself is alright, although, again, it might not suit Mibba's tastes. This is a very instant-gratification kind of a place. For what it's worth, I think your plot is decent, if a little cliched. You can probably get away with things like 'Eutopia' and 'emerald orbs tinted with flecks of gold' just by virtue of this being on the internet, but you should be wary of slipping into lazy conventions.

Your spelling and grammar, etc., are generally unproblematic, but there are some sentences that could use refining. For instance:

If you knew how fate would turn out… would you still make the same choices?

Why is this ... not just a comma?

The chapter you have up is of a good length, but I really think it's the way that you've presented it that's going to give you trouble here. Sci-fi is usually never popular on Mibba unless it's either amazing or crossed over with a more Mibba-mainstream kind of story-telling, but if you work on how you showcase this and who you showcase it too, you might get some readers.

I can't remember how to make the words italic or bold - could someone remind me? I hope the lack of italics for 'thoughts' isn't too confusing...