January 2nd, 2012 at 06:11am
I think this is a really interesting idea, and your strength seems to be in the plot. However, there are a few things I would suggest changing in terms of execution.
Firstly, especially at the beginning of the story, you seem to be dividing up your text into new paragraphs just for the sake of it, rather than because it makes sense to put in a break. This made things kind of disjointed for me when I was trying to get into the narrative. Since your paragraphs are quite short (and thus you have no problem with just presenting walls of text), you could probably press a few of the first paragraphs together. Only put a break in when you need one.
You also do this throughout the chapters, and while the small paragraphs are less of an issue when the pace is fast, there are places, particularly around the dialogue, where they stick out. For instance:
"Are you there?" Anna's smooth voice let out.
Her voice has always calmed me down, no matter how my mood was.
Why is this two lines? Putting it this way just makes it looked rushed- it would be fleshier stuck together. On a side note, I also chose this part as an example because I'm not sure 'let' is the right verb here, but that's for you to decide.
Additionally, I think your opening paragraph could be perfected. It's a nice concept, but as it's the first thing people encounter, you really want it polished. This is what you have:
I don't remember what my parents look like. To be honest, I don't remember them at all. There are no pictures, no home movies, and no memories. Just a locket, a silver locket.
To begin with, I think it should be 'looked', not 'look', if we're talking about the appearance of people Atlas hasn't seen for a while, and those people are now presumably either missing or dead. Secondly, I think the last line needs a dash or a semi-colon instead of a comma, to really bring the emphasis out. These are just little things, but they represent small, stylistic oddities that repeat in your story, and I think changing them just ever so slightly would work wonders for your polish.
For the most part, the rest of this is alright. Your story is interesting, and generally it's readable. I would still suggest, however, that you go over it another time for minor errors, or else get a beta. There are just little things that interrupted me reading it. For instance:
I laid motionless in the grass as I started thinking of all the possibilities. 'Lay', not 'laid'.
Something deep in my soul told me to travel past the final frontier. There's a calling and it's to the stars. 'There was', not 'there's- watch your tenses.
"What is going on?" my feet suddenly started to glow white, and it was slowly covering my whole body. New sentence after the question mark here- begin with a capital.
These are just examples. It might be good to fix them so that you can avoid looking careless.
Overall, my impression of this was pretty much as I've said- it's a nice idea, and it's certainly different from a lot of the other stuff on Mibba. I like the fact that you're looking at space and aliens, but in a less callous way than most sci-fi. I also love the fact that you're writing a sci-fi in the first place, when there are so few of them on here. It just needs a little polish.
The next morning I drove straight to campus and requested to see him. I stood in the front desk waiting for someone to notice that I'm alive. This as well is off-putting. I'm confused as to why he's just standing there, and how could be standing in the front desk? Maybe beside it? Why doesn't he put forth some action to get the attention he desires.
Okay after this he does speak, but you make it seem as if he was just standing there forever doing nothing.
nails that seemed way too ridiculous. ridiculous how? are they very long? very bright? very sharp?
The office seemed so awkwardly placed. The secretary's desk was on the left wall and the hall was just to the right of the desk. The hall was very narrow and long. There were doors within 2 or 3 feet of each other. I approached the last door on the right. I opened the door where a loud creak broke the stillness of the office. I feel like all this description here is unnecessary. Just stating maybe that the hall was long and that you reach the door. Door is repeated several times in this paragraph and it's very much rupturing the flow of the paragraph.
"Yes? How can I help you?" I feel like this is very impersonal. You make it seem earlier that he knows your main character, yet he's just acknowledging him as if he's never seen him before. Perhaps greeting him by name would help this a bit.
"I came to talk to you about my classes," he gave a stern look. I'm assuming that it's your narrator speaking but with the way this is tagged it seem s like Mr. Marhsall is speaking.
I stopped in the middle of the chapter because I feel like this comment is going to be very lengthy and obnoxious. But basically to sum it up is there is a complete lack of detail. You basically cut off that conversation with Mr. Marshall so soon and I'm having a strange judge of character on your narrator. He wants to be an astronaut and yet he never goes to school? He goes to talk to his counselor about classes…yet he doesn't go to them? It's just all very strange to me.
The writing itself is well done, and the grammar and punctuation seems fine. It's just the detail and depth, it doesn't seem very far in. Maybe go over and add some things?