Prince of Drakaedia - Comments

Chapter Six:
I love the description you've added. Yeah, I read ahead a little a while back without critiquing... Anyway.

So... Silverheart already knows about the bonding? I mean, is the palace like gossip central? And The timing seems a little off... I would imagine it'd take a little time to escort Aldonza to her father, while Aimery fell right out the window. So... how could Silverheart have known about the exilement so soon?

Maybe it could be some fairy thing... like, because Silverheart is in love with Aldonza, he can sense that she already bonded herself to Aimery. Yeah. That'd be nifty.

"Informing me that I made a grave error in somehow bonding you, even though you did it out of need,"
This seems a little odd.... "Informing me that I made a grave error in somehow bonding you, even though I didn't actually have a choice," would make more sense.

"Aldonza saw how his flesh was bleeding and walked over to him." This is a dead sentence. It does nothing for the reader... It's just narrating. We want emotion! "Aldonza glanced over Aimery, horrified at the blood dripping across his skin and the arrows riddling his flesh. Before she knew what she was doing she was in front of him." See, that is charged with feeling, with thought, with something for us to really picture and feel as readers. Aldonza isn't a passive nurse responding to an injury, she's watching her bonded partner bleed knowing he's about to be lead to his death. Make us feel that!

I'd suggest separating this whole paragraph up a little bit... only Aimery is speaking, so it's correct, but... yeah. Just as a rule of thumb I try to organize my paragraphs so that the main subject stays universal throughout the paragraph. Does that make sense? I wouldn't have Aimery say something and then narrate something Aldonza did and then switch back to Aimery all in the same paragraph. But that's me and my nitpickyness.

You've definitely improved. I love it. The dialogue is good... really gives us a feel of the different characters interacting. Yup yup.
Maybe you could add a little more conflict amongst the guards? Are there some that are truly loyal to Aldonza that would dispute her sentence? Or that would directly defy the king? Or is that just the soldiers. Conflict is good. Remember that.

I'll be back. Don't worry.

Hi. I'm still alive. Sorry I haven't gotten back to you in forever...

I'm starting at Repercussions again, but I'll go back and look over your previous chapters when I get a chance.

"The look in her daughters eyes had been as steel, not a lie had been spoken in them." I love this line. And the development you added around the queen fainting is great. I'm really wordy, so I would have added a little more, but what you have is fine. My style is just heavily descriptive.

So yeah. I love how you've added description about her father and such... and her response is so great. Love it.

I'd recommend not using all caps. I always feel like that is yelling at the reader, not necessarily at the other characters... I don't know. It's not professional. You can use words to convey the same feeling.
"Exile!" He roared, his voice filling the hall and pushing me back. "You are exiled from the..."
Eh. Yeah.

"Aimery tried holding on to consciencess and failed, the black abyss swallowing him." I love this line. Love it.

Okay, first, I'd recommend starting with Aimery, because that would keep it a little closer to chronological order.

Describe her father. Is he petite, broad shouldered, handsome, aged, or sinister looking? Does he have a beard down to his knees? Or maybe ears so large you could use them as umbrellas? Because, frankly, I could imagine that if I wanted. I just don't think that's quite what you want... Is he all dressed up in his court best, or in his night clothes? Simple details! Does he look like her? Does he have the same defiant strong will? Give us something!

I almost feel like Aldonza's response is out of place. I feel like more of a protest would make sense...
("...He will be hanged, though," he snapped.
"You can't..." Aldonza whispered, not daring to meet her father's gaze.
"What was that?" He growled.
"You can't kill him," she stated with all of the strength she could muster.
"Why not?"
"Because I bound him, Father," She retorted, letting the anger hang onto her words...)
That gives just a little more spunk and more depth to their conversation. And I'd also expect disbelief. Let's just say if I was a king and my daughter suddenly told me that "hey, I'm basically already married to our arch nemesis" I wouldn't believe it at first. Definitely not.

Also, the whole mother fainting thing? I believe that she could faint, but just suddenly announcing the presence of a mother in the seen and stating she faints? Well... yeah. Doesn't work out very well for you. You need some build up.
("No... you're lying..." Aldonza's mother said in disbelief. The frail woman stared Aldonza in the eyes and realized that her daughter wasn't lying. Her eyes glazed over just as she collapsed, unconscious.) There you go. Build up. Not just a blank statement.

I like the rest of it. The venom, the roaring, it's all great.

So... the asterisks are time laps or scene changes?

I actually rather like this bit with Aimery... I feel like you connect with him a lot better than you connect with Aldonza. I mean, I connect with my guy characters a lot stronger than with my girl characters. I don't get it. You voice is a lot stronger throughout this part. Your descriptions are stepped up too... all around better.

I do have one thing though... now all of a sudden there are mages? Eh. I mean, it's perfectly fine that this be the first instance where we encounter them... just a little introduction would be nice. It wouldn't even have to be much... "just a moment of distraction, and chains wrapped themselves around his body, a mage controlling their movements with magic." or something.. okay, that's not a very good example.

Okay, so the examples I give you, I don't really intend for you to use them. Feel free to, but I really just want to show you what I mean.
Happy Writing!

Anger and saying something flatly don't really go together in my book...
"I'm the enemy. Why did you same me, let alone bond me as your mate?" Aimery asked though clenched teeth.
That shows a little bit of anger with it.

Aldonza's response needs more emotion. Is she pleading with her new husband, or responding with just as much anger. Is she turning away, somewhat hurt, or what?

I feel like Aimery shouldn't cool off so soon. "Aimery turned his gaze to Aidan, taking deep breaths to try and control his anger." would make more sense to me. He can still be calm and slightly angry at the same time.

"Many will not be so... easily convinced" is more of a warning than a blank statement. "But... many will not be so... easily convinced" would seem more natural.

"'The butchering of a faerie's wings isn't petty, Aimery,'" that should be a common, because the following sentence isn't a tag for the dialogue.

I love the description of his reaction to the maid. Wings ripping... that's great wording.

Uhmm... what's up with the asterisks? Hmmm? They confuse me.

I feel like this should be a very emotional scene... watching her once-enemy-now-mate be attacked by her own guards. And shouldn't they stop is she tells them? They are loyal to her, yes?
""Go!" Aldonza yelled, pushing him towards the window. "I won't have you slain! Go!" she threw open the window. The guards outside had heard the servant scream and had fluttered to her window, scrambling away from it in shock as heavy wing beats pushed them back. Some of them regained their composure and charged at him, swords in hand."
I wouldn't change this part. I quite like it.... maybe a little more description, but I'm very wordy. It's the next part I'd seriously consider adding a little to.
"No!" She screamed, the twang of bowstrings announcing arrows' pursuit. She so badly wanted to look away, but she couldn't. Aimery's wings faltered, riddled with holes, and she could see the pain stiffen his body as he plunged towards the courtyard. Aldonza couldn't force herself to meet the guards eyes when they came for her, solemnly forcing her towards her father's chambers."
You don't have to use that, absolutely not, but see the difference? Emotion. That's really what it's all about.

This is all I have time for, but I'll be back soon!

Well... Chapter three starts oddly. First thing, Where are they? And is this Private Cal in her way? And isn't she not allowed to touch people? Or do kisses not count... and shouldn't she go see her father? Now Aimery can suddenly talk? Shouldn't she at least have a knife out or something? I mean... he's dangerous, right? Yeah... Just a few questions.

So he's a charmer. I love it. But wouldn't he have noticed her looks while she was saving him out in the field?

Wait. Does "bound" mean as in, like a mate? Or some other magically-thing. I just assumed Angeles was telling her to marry him but... Now I'm confused
And why is he all of a sudden trying to save her? Shouldn't he not care? Or at least, even if he wants peace, maybe his comments should make Aldonza wonder the same thing.

Has there been a time lapse? It takes a bit for infection to set in. I mean... a wound doesn't turn purple and pussy in a half an hour. Well.. human wounds at least. And it would take a while for him to develop a fever. Plus, how does she know he has a fever? Is he sweating or something?

Why's she giving in to Angeles request so soon? I not saying she shouldn't, but there should be a little rationale. Has he always known best? Shouldn't she debate over it for a while, fight with herself, before finally taking the plunge.

"Aidan had ran in, sword out, as her sobs grew loud enough to be heard through the door." This needs a little help. first, Aidan would probably make noise running in. So, maybe actually describe him coming in. "Before Aimery could realize what was happening Aidan burst through the doorway, sword drawn and poised to strike." That gives us a picture, not just facts to sort into what we are imagining is going on. Does that make sense? And does he notice her sobs before hand or not? Maybe it would work for you if Aimery doesn't. "Aimery suddenly realized the sound of Aldonza's sobs filled the air". could add a nice effect.

Is he sitting up at this point? It's getting difficult for me to picture the scene...

""You... don't... know? She bound you as her mate. You didn't tell him, Princess?"" This is rough.. could use a rewording. "You... don't... know? She bound you... that makes you her mate. She... Princess, you didn't tell him?" That seems more of a logical thinking pattern.

Okay, however badly I want to read chapter four, I HAVE to stop.
Overall, there are a lot of good elements, don't let all of the questions discourage you. Your plot has swallowed me up and I'm hooked. It just seems like you slip into just relaying the details of what's happening instead of truly writing... you skip out on descriptive details, on emotions, on thought processes, the stuff that makes excellent writing excellent. I don't know... You might want to go back and read it as if you weren't the one that wrote it, and try and imagine it freshly. You might find you want to add some description. That's really just it...
But it's amazing how well you're characters are characterized without all of the extra details. I feel like I already know them, which is awesome.

I'll be back for more. Happy Writing! And, as always, feel free to ignore me.

Well. First of all, the whole Peter Pan thing is a little odd. I mean, you have faeries, but... yeah. You might want to try something more along the not-a-disney-masterpiece line... Eh.

This is all on chapters one and two.

Well. I love it. Very intriguing idea, and I love how Aldonza's character just seems to jump out from the words and grab me. Love it. She's a very strong character, especially with the warrior side. And her handicap is just beautiful--plot wise. I have a feeling I'm going to love it even more here soon...

The flashback-to-present bit in the first chapter is beautifully written. I love how you've fed one into the other, it's very smooth. And followable... a great way to introduce Aldonza and also make her very interesting at the same time.

One thing though... you go from Great-Princess-Warrior-Being-Begged-For-Mercy to "Here, let me save you..." In a heartbeat. I think it could really benefit if you added a little argument between Aldonza and herself. It wouldn't even have to be an argument.. maybe just hesitation, and intrigue. "Aldonza knew she should drive the sword through his chest, but something stopped her. Something made her want to help him." See? That would make a better transition...
And her thoughts while she's helping him seem subdued... more of a contemplation instead of "What in the world am I doing? I'm going to get myself exiled??" sort of mentality.

A A A. Usually, it's not a good idea to smack a reader with three names starting with the same letter in the first Chapter. While I'm unlikely to confuse Aldonza and Aidan, I'm definitely going to have to go back and reference the chapter a few times to make sure I spell it correctly.
Especially with supporting characters... I mean, I have no doubt I'll remember Aldonza and Aimery just fine in another chapter or two, but it is a spot for confusion initially...
But don't get me wrong, I love A names.

I love you're ending to chapter one... just perfect to catch attention and create curiosity.

"“Aldonza, don't let his flesh touch yours,” the look she gave him could have made mountains crumble." Because the following sentence isn't describing the dialogue, it doesn't follow the same rules as if it were "blah blah blah," said mike. Really, it should be:
"Aldonza, don't let his flesh touch yours."
The Look she gave him could have made mountains crumble.

Uhm... Luvaria? You probably explained who or what that is, but I don't remember. So... you might just want to add a little line identifying it/he/she again.

You describe what's happening beautifully, but the description on sensory input is a little scarce... is it cold out? Is the city gate and actual iron gate? Is the sky red with the sunrise? Cloudy? Blue with midmorning light? Are the guards well organized, inexperienced, or familiar? Is she tired? Is her armor uncomfortable? Can she hear the wind, or Aimery's labored breathing? Is the city huge? Is their a castle dominating the skyline? Does it smell like a battlefield? Or like a field? Is the air gritty? I mean, it's not starkly obvious, mainly because your action-description is so great, but there's still an absence.

Does she have to walk through winding alleys? Or right down mainstreet? Is Angeles(You seem to have a theme going...) respected by everyone? Is it common for her to visit him? Does she pass attendants while going to him? You just kinda have her with the guards, and then you jump to her with Angeles. What happens inbetween?

What are her thoughts after Angeles commands? I mean, we get the gist... she's mad, but what is she thinking? "I can't believe he would ever suggest that!" or "I would never bond with an enemy!" or "My father is never going to agree to this!" Or something else?

"Excuse me, Mistress, but your eyes could skin Draguls," I love this line. Love it.

One thought. Is something watching the brute? Cause the last place I would want a life-long enemy would be in my private chambers alone. Yeah...

And I love the split loyalty! Beautiful beautiful beautiful.... Great story building. I mean, it's just great, gives a real attitude towards her father without us ever meeting him.

Okay. I have this feeling like you really really really want to be writing in first person but you've chosen to write in third instead. Just the phrasing... it seems so in depth at times, but then you back off back into third person again. Are you planning on switching general the point of view back and forth, thus first person wouldn't work? Eh... I just feel like it could be even better in first. But that's your decision.

Well. I love it. As simple as that. I'm definitely subscribing and I'll be back to leave more comments(this story deserves more than I can offer at the moment) when I have a chance. And of course, feel free to disagree with me. I'm no absolute authority. This is your story. If you don't like something I've said just ignore me. I won't be offended.

Happy Writing.

First of all, have you decided what the elf's reasoning was for cutting Aldonza's wings yet? Because I think I have an idea, but I'm not sure if you'll like it. I think you should have Aldonza punish them for killing some of her people while escaping, although I can't be completely sure if that would fit considering how many they've killed before this. By the way, this is your sister.