January 8th, 2017 at 07:01pm
This is very original, compared to other A7x fics I've read. This is actually the first fan-fic I've read, liked, and known who was who while using comment swap. So great job! :)
The disclaimer was a little too long. You don't have to have a huge paragraph, just something like, "I don't own Avenged Sevenfold, anyone affiliated with them, and/or their music. I do own the plot and any OCs. Don't steal; please and thank you!" If you wanted to keep the warning about bad spelling/grammar I'd put it on a separate line. Your grammar wasn't too bad - honestly I've seen worse - but there are still room for improvements. Constantly referring to Valary as "Val" got a little old, maybe you could mix it up a little and refer to her as something else that describes her like: young woman, whatever color her hair is in the story, and other things like that.
I like that Jimmy is dead, but yet at the same time he isn't - if that makes any sense. Again, I really like the originality of this and I'm curious to see what happens next! :) Can't wait for more!
It does seem that your wording is very generic though, but I think it adds a bit to the story to make it more common. When someone dies, usually one of the first things a person says "____ always had a smile on his face, and had a way of making people laugh." This was one of the first lines I think in Chapter one. This could make for a good flashback to a time when he did make her laugh, but then you go into it later when she hopes that he would jump out and tell her it was just a joke.
But the wording sometimes is sort of awkward: "..had his arms crossed over his chest in an x like position type of way." Maybe instead say "had his arms crossed over his chest in an X position."
I hope you don't think I'm being too nit picky, haha because I really do like this. Very good overall.