Peace Sign - Comments

First off, I adore LIGHTS. So bravo for choosing her song as your title.

I like the idea of this story, and it definitely intrigued me when the "perfect" guy has a little more to him. Kudos to you.

So you have two options with this line: This is really happening, I thought to myself, This is going to be my new life.

Instead of the comma after "myself" you can put a period, which will make the capitalized "This" correct.

Or, you can leave the comma and make the "This" lowercase. But the way it sits now is incorrect.

It's different...definitely warmer than back home, I replied. >> Since you have a tag here, there should be a comma. It's kind of like with dialogue, only without the quotes.

I really like that you introduce the fact she has a bruise, but you don't tell us how she got it right away. It adds suspense and makes me curious enough to read on.

"That made me realize that Monday was when school started."
"I looked at her."
These two sentences feel very stale, and kind of robotic. Perhaps, instead of the first, maybe take this opportunity to make a thought. School already? or something that will give a little more personality.

The second is only robotic because it feels a little choppy. I looked at her, seeing concern flood her features. She gave me a timid smile before saying, "..." >> Adding a little description (better than mind XD) will help the flow, and could also be used to describe what her mom looks like.

I also noticed "I heard" a lot. Try not to lead with "I" and just tell the reader what's happening.

The ding ding chimes from my phone again, and I read Michelle's message.

"Angeline!" my mother yells from the bottom of the stairs...

Cutting these out shows the reader, rather than telling them.

Other than those little things, the writing is great. The formatting of the dialogue is correct, the imagery from the bruise, to the Vegas skyline is fantastic.

Evangeline also has a personality in the first chapter. I like that she's not completely broken up about the move, and she's trying to make some roots by getting a job. It's definitely fresh compared to all the angsty teenagers that hate moving and hate this town and just want to go home. Blah.

I'm excited to read more, which I shall be doing :3

Great job with this!

xxx Bee

It was awfully sweet how Evangeline and Mia were interacting and how Derek said Evangeline was beautiful. Lovely chapter, again worth the wait!

I really enjoyed this chapter - it was worth the wait. The flow was perfect and, as usual, your dialogue is just so realistic. I think Derek seems nice; Chris maybe a bit too flirtatious, but hey! As I predicted, I was internally laughing when I read 'Mia'. I don't even know why I find it funny. Maybe because I never see anyone with my name? The way it ended, with the 'Daddy?', was a brilliant way to do so. I wonder what shall happen next...

Nice start, sounds cool so far :) I look forward to seeing where it goes from here.
P.S Oh my God, my name's Mia! That's going to be making me laugh whenever I read this xD

This sounds like a cool story, I want to read more :D