September 14th, 2010 at 07:21pm
Okay, Holly, before I start quoting individual lines, I'd just like to say I love your style. Your chapters are short, but they convey so much emotion it's almost unbelievable.
Yet no matter how much emotion there is in the chapter, it's all told in such a dry narrative voice - like the character's just given up on life, like they truly can't be arsed any more. Which I'm pretty sure is what you were trying to get across, and you did it really well.
Just like the academy in X-men, we, the "talented" students, live in a giant mansion, a school, devoted purely to us. But not nearly as cool.
Perfect opening sentence. Perrrrrfect. The X-man reference and blatant sarcasm show she's young, along with the word 'student' which is obviously associated with a young person. The wording and structure show she's smart, not 'normal' as such. The second sentence brings it back to that youthy point of view, which, for a story like this about fucked up kids, is a really important... idea I guess you could call it, and you needed to convey that really early - you needed to tell the reader that this was a story about young people, and you did that really well in the first two sentences. :tehe:
Some of us want to be happy. Some of us just want to be left alone.
One of the things I love most about this story is the way it's so blunt, so truthful and almost crude - it's just the cold hard facts and realisations of life, put on a table for the reader to look into and dissect. And having teenagers as your characters makes the narration all the more realistic - you've really found a voice for each of them, and it's really coming through in your writing. Which is a really good thing; I, as a reader, need a strong voice to be able to relate to the character. Not to say the character has to be strong for me to be able to relate, but the voice has to be strong, they have to have a clear character, I have to feel like I know that person, whether they exist or not.
A permanent mark of her failed attempt to cut off her own hand.
Oh, woah. That whole little story... drew me further into the character's point of view. I felt like something horrible had happened to her, like she had tried to physically mutilate herself in some way; I think Gestalt dictates that I jump to that conclusion. It was the climax in this chapter, that idea, that thought of every character, every resident of the aptly named School of Self Destruction having some sort of deathly serious problem - the idea that every person who attended the school was completely and utterly insane, and that they all had stories of such drastic desperation to share.
Most of us though, don't have such interesting stories.
And then you write in this drastic anticlimax; from such a point of high tension, everything just dropping away like that was a really dramatic effect, and it worked exceptionally well. Almost like a sudden drop in the dynamic of a piece of music, from very loud to very soft with no decrescendo, just a... urgh I can think of the term. sfp is the signage.
Anyway, I digress. I really did love the way you built it up to a very strong climax and then dropped it back - it made the character seem all that more realistic, and the story all that more dramatic. Almost like Elizabeth was deliberately dragging her words out, like she was purposely drawing you in as far as she could before she let you go again. It worked really well, and was as much a highlight of the chapter as the story of the hand girl.
My name is Elizabeth Hanson,
and I just want to be the best.
And then the first introduction - I have to say, this whole story, especially your writing style, reminds me of Chuck Palahniuk's, which is a definite compliment - to put a name to our narrator, to give us someone solid to indentify with, someone solid to pity. And that last line was almost a cliffhanger... for me, who read most of this months ago, I already knew her issues with competition, but if I hadn't read that far it would have confused me, intrigued me - the foreshadowing would have excited me.
Nice first chapter.
Destruction is the only real way to be perfect. Destruction is the only real way to get attention. Face it, you have to have something wrong with you to be anybody.
And then a powerful beginning to the second chapter; something that really was necessary considering how strong your first chapter was. The first little bit of this chapter was crucial - it had to be strong, it had to be powerful, and it had to have a message. It had to say something, because if it didn't, everything you'd achieved in the first chapter would be lost, as would any shock value you gained. It basically had to maintain the tension of the previous chapter, and I think you did that really well.
This is the school for those who just don't fit in with society. The school of self destruction.
I love how they call it a school, not an 'institution' - gives the whole situation a sort of ironic positivity. None of the students see past that stupid guise of it being a school - most of them don't care enough to look at it as such - but they try to make it as positive and 'normal' as they can with classes and all that type of shit. I love how they all use that metaphor of being taught to self-destruct, being taught new, more creative ways to do so; even, to an extent, being taught why they would want to in the first place. And the whole story revolving around teenagers, kids going through such a turbulent period in their lives, makes it just that little bit better, makes the reader that little bit more emphatic towards the characters, that little bit more sympathetic, even though if they knew, they'd probably blow us off anyway.
Wethought know that you have to destroy yourself.
I didn't like the crossed out word, mostly because Gareth seems so sure of himself, so confident, almost to the point of arrogance, and then there's that crossed out word, that sign of a mistake- it didn't seem to suit his character. And I was also hearing it as a type of dialogue, like he was saying those things, and the crossed out word screwed that up a bit in my mind, but that's actually an individual thing.
We are the martyrs of your civilisation, and you don't even know it.
Again, that amazing self-satisfied attitude - he's proud of being fucked up, he's proud of being different, unusual, abnormal. He likes it, in some ways he likes how it makes him feel. Being fucked up makes him feel different, which in turn makes him feel better than the general population. He's suffering for his own, and their own, good.
I have to show them that their pain is not to be escaped. Or removed. Or worse of all, ignored. Their pain is their saviour.
And now he comes in wanting to teach others. Wanting to make everyone as fucked up as him, wanting to bring everyone down to his level - just like he did with Elizabeth. Wanting everyone to suffer like he has so that they'll understand, so that they'll know what he's been through and so that they can help, so they can experience that and the feelings associated with it. It's weird, because we don't (well, not yet at least) have a back story for Gareth; we don't know what's happened to him, we don't know why he's cynical and sarcastic and horrible and manipulative. He's a myth to us, and while in some ways that's kind of distracting, it's also really interesting letting my mind wander and wonder.
And still whole, you aren't worth anything.
That line struck me particularly hard - I set it as my MSN messagey grey thing, I dunno if you noticed. That sentence... really, it summarises the whole story. God, if you wanted to push it, you could say it summarises humanity. You have to be different for anyone to care. You have to be broken for anyone to care. Still whole, you aren't worth anything.
I don't think I can really explain it, but that line really did hit me hard.
All the possibilities of change. The constant metamorphosis of the world.
Here come the small weaknesses that these characters need, more so than in other stories - I mean, they say every character needs a weakness, but your characters are based more on their flaws than on their good points. She doesn't adapt well to change - she finds even the possibility of change threatening. That concept, of her being almost afraid of change, really interested me; I loved how even the smallest hint of change annoyed her. She seems like she's been through so much in her life, yet she's scared of something as... trivial I guess you could call it... as change? It's intriguing. And the fact that in relation to some of her other faults it's slightly... insignificant makes it all the more interesting.
As my mother and father spent the day sending emails to their closest friends; their work colleagues, their employees.
I love the way you inserted this underlying... hatred into that sentence; any teenager would be upset at being ignored, but especially someone with Elizabeth's background would find it particularly hard. To go to all that effort, just to get noticed... to end up going to Saint Jude's, all stemming from that one, single desire to be noticed by her parents, and then to just be ignored... it would really hurt. Especially at Christmas, and especially on one of her trips home; it sounds like she doesn't get too many of them.
The whole story of her return to St. Jude's was done with such a wonderful tone - no direct metaphors, but the style was so dry, so detached, that everything seemed metaphorical; the main character didn't seem close enough to the story she was telling for it to be her own. And that, to me, showed how... dead she was inside. It seemed like there was a hurt there, that her mother ignoring her upset her, but at the same time she didn't seem as devastated as she could have. The hurt felt suppressed, turned into cynical comments instead of tears and tantrums, and it showed how she looked at life - almost like she couldn't be bothered.
Have I told you that I don't get graded anymore? Have I told you that there are no sports for me?
Another two sentences I really loved, that really stood out. She likes being the centre of attention (and it was only after I'd written that sentence that it seemed stupidly obvious :XD), and she left us hanging in suspense for a moment, really let the impact sink in, let the italics make us realise what it was, let us figure it out, deduce what we could and want to know more. The voice that I was getting, the voice I was reading her in, made that sound really overdramatic and played out, very attention seeking - I think it was the way you posed it as two separate questions, both on different lines, in italics... it just fit in really well, worked really well.
Have I told you about the story-writing competition I entered while I was at home?
Again, that sense of overdramatic almost... pride. Like 'look at me I'm so fucked up you will never compare. :file:' She's proud of rebelling, and later in the chapter we find out why - her parents didn't care. All they were concerned about was her winning, they didn't give a shit that she entered a competition when she'd been strictly banned, they really didn't care at all. But anyway, it seems like almost everything she does is overdramatic and done for attention - which most things probably are - but we're left wondering if that's true, if everything she does is for attention. For praise. Does she ever do anything solely for herself? Not getting a benefit from something she does to impress someone else, but actually, truly doing something for herself and only herself... she gives the impression that she doesn't but we don't truly know, and that makes her all the more intriguing.
Again, I didn't like the crossey-outy thing... I dunno, must be a personal thing. To me, it wrecks the narrative flow a little - these characters are quite influential, they make you think and they determine what you think, really. They make you sympathetic towards them through how strong and brave they seem - they stay calm and collected throughout the whole thing. I'm not saying they don't make bad choices - that would be stupid. But the way they speak, it's very... eloquent. They don't really stumble up much, and then there's that one crossed out word, and it just doesn't... fit. For me. I dunno.
Have I told you that I'm not allowed to read newspapers unless somebody removes the "destructive" articles first?
I keep highlighting these somewhat similar sentences, because I really do find them gorgeous, style-wise. They really... hit home; they convey such a strong message, every one of them, and they really make the reader stop and think. I guess I've always liked that type of blunt 'impact sentence', short, sharp, hard. One sentence that makes you stop, just for a second, just stop. I like the impact... it's something I love about Palahniuk's writing and it's something I love about yours.
They cut them out like malignant skin, removing the bad from the indifferent, then hand me what remains of the cadaver.
You love that word, cadaver, don't you? :tehe:
I love this sentence because it was so beautifully worded... it was just absolutely perfect. I'm not even gonna pick it apart, just say that 'malignant' made it all work even better and I loved it.
Fame. Glory. Honor. The adulation of parents and peers.
I love how you showed the steps her mind took from 'writing competition' to 'attention', and I also loved the way you did it - the short, choppy sentences and words, the way you let the full stops show her thought transitions, the way she never even considered losing. If she entered, she would win. I really liked how there was no deliberation, just 'I'll enter, I'll win, done.' It showed how... strong her mentality was, I guess, and it was something that just blew me away - not because that was her mentality, once it was written that was obvious, but that you as a writer didn't make her think about it was amazing... most people would have, would have given her that little bit of doubt, but you've made your characters so strong that they - or at least Elizabeth - don't even consider failing, don't even register that failure is an option. It showed just how determined she was to accomplish her goal, as you so eloquently put it 'The adulation of parents and peers', and it really strengthened her character, so well done. :cute:
The screen illuminates the room, a green-blue glow that warms my heart.
I really liked how you could feel her growing excitement, for rebellion, for winning, and for attention. Turning on the laptop was the first step, and you can feel that excitement in the words - she seems to drop her dry narrative style for four words, that warms my heart, and that excitement, that exhilaration, comes through. It was slightly out of character, and that was the beauty of it; she let her guard down for a second because those three things - winning, rebellion and attention - meant so much There was a really strong picture of that paragraph, this girl sitting in the dark, turning on a laptop with a big smile on her face... it reminded me, as the reader, that she was human, and still young at that. The dry style gives the impression that she's older than she is, which is perfect for this story, but it was gorgeous how that tone dropped for four words and let us... see inside her, I guess.
Have I told you that we aren't allowed to know the real names of our councilors?
Councilors should be 'counsellors' or 'councelors'.
I really liked this sentence because I liked the idea of them not getting to know the names of their guidance counsellors and I liked how you put it in italics and made it an impact sentence. It added to that whole 'fucked up kids' feel to the school - which, as the school was for fucked up kids, was essential to create, and you did it really well, building it up in the first chapter and then continuing that feel right throughout the story, with chapter four having a really strong focus on it. I think that was really important, the constant reminders about the school, because it'd be a real focal point for those kids, and it was really... essential to the story - not just that it's a school, but that it's that particular school with that particular purpose.
Have I told you that the only time they notice me is when I win something?
And there you go with another perfect cliffhanger ending - they work so well. I've said before that I love impact sentences, and the only thing that makes them even better is when an author finishes on them. It just makes the whole chapter, the whole story, more memorable, because after you finish a chapter you stop reading for a bit, even if just to load the next chapter, and if you have one of those really strong sentences combined with the pause you already take from reading, you get this really strong feeling of a good ending which you take away with you, and it just works.
What I also liked about that sentence was how many different things it meant and how many different emotions it represented, which doesn't really make sense but let me explain it. The first people to notice her are obviously her parents, and that's a good emotion, pride (I know it's a sin but it's good, it builds self-confidence and her being happy is surely a good thing?). The second... level I guess you could call it is her counsellor noticing her, which when all she wants is attention is also a good thing I suppose, but let's say it's a bad emotion for the sake of my little psychological adventure. And then you have the readers noticing her, which is an empathic emotion, and basically what this long ramble is saying is that she got what she wanted, attention, and that sentence is very good. :cute:
I'd love that kind of blind optimism.
Mmmm, I really liked this sentence for some reason... maybe it was that more casual sense, the way I felt like this character was different - just as messed up but with a better sense of humour. Felix has, so far, become my favourite character because he seems so practical, so funny - the kind of guy I'd like to be friends with. So casual and honest and just... nice. Of course, I don't yet know the full story, he might actually be horrible, but he just seems nice, not self-righteous and I really like him.
Copy. Paste. Print. Why should anyone bother trying to be original or individual anymore?
You've gotta feel sorry for these kids, they just seem so... lost. And with Felix being my favourite, he probably gets more of my sympathy than the other two, simply because... I like him more. But as I was saying, they all seem so lost, and that seems to come across as cynicism a lot of the time. And it makes you wonder are they really as cynical as they sound? Or is it just the way they cope, that it's easier to be rude and in-your-face than gentle and sensitive?
All these people who hate themselves in the one place. It's like a bad teen-angst movie.
They're so blunt and I love it. It's weird, actually - in some ways, the whole story is filled with self-pity, in some ways it's a story about self-pity. But then in others, these characters are completely devoid of self-pity, it's just not there, they view themselves as things and not people, and therefore don't deserve to have pity. Or maybe it's more that they shut themselves off from the world so much that they eventually become emotionally detached, and they stop the normal practices of self-pity; they don't seem all 'oh my life's so tragic', but then at the same time they do. That doesn't make sense, does it? I think I mean that they have this really... detached feeling about them, and I guess that makes what would normally be whiny, insignificant complaints into something more meaningful, self-pity that people actually take notice of and care about.
Anyway, whatever it is, it sounds fantastic and it makes for really good reading.
They don't understand that it's the only way to talk about it.
And there is that complete and total honesty. They have a flair for the overdramatic, as you so eloquently put it, but they do know when they're stretching the truth, which I think is another big character strength. They know when they're lying, they know the truth and while they can stretch it very effectively, they still have the ability to tell the truth, which is really quite important when you think about it because there are (arguably) two types of people - those who can tell the truth and those who can't. Those who can't can become really superficial, and the same goes for characters; those with tragic pasts and awful lives and drama drama drama usually come across as the 'shut-the-fuck-up' kind of characters. Those who can, however, generally become these really intriguing, intricate characters, because they get this whole new element - they can lie OR they can tell the truth. And a good author can exploit that, can use the multi-level characters to their advantage, can really make a reader connect with them - even detached characters like yours become more understandable when they're less one-dimensional, when their character starts to build up.
OR then again - you're probably bored as fuck reading this by now but I'll finish it anyway - maybe everything they say is the complete truth and maybe that's why their story is so shocking. Maybe their complete and utter honesty is what makes them and what they're saying so much more impactful. And the fact that we don't truly know - because face it, you don't trust these characters very much, they're insane! - whether they're telling the truth or lying just makes the whole thing better.
My name is Felix Preacher,
and everyone is alone.
Aaaaah, my heart went out to Felix. I do love him so, he's just so... vulnerable, the kind of kid you meet on the street, the kind of kid you know. You hang out with him, you have maths with him, your locker's next to his. He just seems normal - obviously he has problems, but he still seems like a normal kid, and I think that's why I relate so well, because I feel like I know him. If I could give him a song it would be This Song Could Save Us - A Life Like This, because I think it suits him.
They made me share a room. I am seventeen years old.
I don't like Gareth. I just don't like him. Even without all the Elizabeth stuff... I don't like Gareth. He seems obnoxious, self-absorbed and just plain horrible - almost too cynical, too sarcastic, too... ew. I don't like him, and he'd be a hard character to like. And obviously (well, obviously to me at least) you wrote him as the character who we're not meant to like, the character we're meant to hate. Not necessarily the character we're not interested in, don't get me wrong; I find Gareth highly intriguing. There's a big difference between not liking him and not being interested in him. But I don't like him, and the opening two paragraphs of this chapter is the perfect example. This kid is clearly messed up, crying in his sleep, being totally... wrecked from whatever he's been through - yet Gareth is so cruel to him, so cruel when talking about him. There's no 'Oh, he's had a pretty hard life' it's all 'get over it, shit happens, life sucks'. And you know, I'm really curious to find out why Gareth is this way; is he just different naturally, or did something happen to make him like this? We find out what pushed Elizabeth over the edge in a later chapter, but Felix and Gareth are still mysteries to us, and I do hope you'll elaborate more on them later on because I'm really interested.
I am of sound body and mind and yet I have to share a room with this little...
He says this yet he's still in St. Jude's. It makes me so curious... (:tehe:) is he just like this, naturally, just naturally a cynic and misunderstood, or is he in denial? I ask too many questions. Anyway, I thought that sentence was really character building because it was such a... oxymoron I guess - you can't really decide if he's delusional or if he's telling the truth.
Ostracized by society?
Go destroy what society stands for. Destroy yourself if that's what it requires.
Wow, that sentence struck a chord. I don't really know... why, I just found it really powerful and... truthful. Here you had a whole paragraph of these impact sentences, these almost philosophical statements that stop the reader, that really... impact upon the reader because they're so raw, they're so blunt, so raw, so in-your-face. And when you read them, you find yourself agreeing with every single thing they say - even if you yourself don't particularly agree - because they're said so bluntly. You're conned, even if only for a second, into believing that what Gareth is saying is the utter and absolute truth, and that it's completely black-and-white; that this is how it is and this is how it will stay, so get over it. And that's a really really powerful thing for a writer to do, and it shows just how absorbed I was in the story.
The best kind of pain is exquisite. And the most exquisite type of pain, Is the kind you give to yourself.
So this out next to this:
I am of sound body and mind and yet I have to share a room with this little...
answers my previous question of 'if he's so fine why is he in St. Jude's?' And I like how you did that in the text, rather discreetly at that - I had to look to find that answer. It just made the whole thing seem to flow and because of the style you use, the internal dialogue kind of thing where your characters seem to be talking to the reader but aren't doing it directly, it made it so much better. It showed me that he was slightly in denial, but also that he didn't believe that that could be a bad thing; to him, it wasn't a good or a bad thing, it was the right thing. And if the right thing is also exquisite, then that must make it even more right, right?
So yeah, I found that sentence to be really character building and I think it gave us an insight into Gareth's character that we might not have gotten if you weren't so wonderful. :cute:
I apologized to them, for being so arrogant the other day.
They bought it.
OH I LOVED THIS. He lulled me into a false sense of security there as well - while I was reading that sentence I started to take back all of my judgements of him, started to reanalyse his character, and then I got to 'they bought it' and I guess that just reinforced everything I'd originally thought about him. It was just the best little trick sentence, and it pulled me further into the story and into Gareth as a character.
Food seems to be the easiest way to win people over. They automatically think you must be a caring, loving, normal human being.
And I found that sentence really interesting, the way he comments on the way he manipulates everything and everyone so... casually. It means nothing to him- I get the feeling he could never get close to anyone emotionally, because he just doesn't seem to give a shit. He seems so detached, so detached, even more so than Elizabeth and Felix. He seem like... half a human, you know? Like he's not all there, there's a part of him missing and he'll never have that part again... did he ever have it at all? He's almost too detached, and in some ways - though maybe we see it more because it comes out more in Gareth than it does in the other two - he seems the most fucked up.
I don't like History because learning about the merciless slaughter of innocent people makes me incredibly morose.
I think I'm developing a slight crush on Felix. Partly because he's such a cool character and partly because I keep imagining the cute little bunny from the book 'Letters from Felix'.
I do believe I may have peaked to early.
'to should be 'too'.
I love how Felix talked about Elizabeth, because it really built up her character, and also the relationship between the two of them. I think the way this scene was about the two of them going out together, just chilling together, was really really good because it sort of... loosened the tension a bit. Showed them out being normal kids, not tortured souls locked away in a school for the insane but normal kids going out to see a movie together. And I think that is such a valuable thing, I think it brought the whole story up to a new level that without this insight into their day to day lives we wouldn't have got if you had of stayed with the typical doom and gloom chapters. Plus it was just a fresh look on it all, a new way to look at the characters, at the school, at the story.
And I like how Elizabeth is a ridiculously high overachiever, two grades higher and still top top top of her class. Again, you brought her obsessiveness up to a new level - you showed us just how bad it was. Before that, we knew she had to be the best, but reading that made so much more realistic... like, it brought it to something that we could really understand, something more solid than just her words. I guess it made it easier to comprehend, without taking any of the shock out of it.
It's pretty easy to cut class at Saint Jude's. The teachers even encourage it sometimes.
So I love the idea behind this sentence, because it made me think, and I like thinking about things that won't truly... affect my life all that much. I like thinking about fun things, not problems or what I'm going to do in ten years or this or that. And I liked thinking about this sentence and what it meant; was it that the teachers liked them cutting class because they no longer wanted to deal with them, or was it that they didn't want them bothering the other students, or was it that this school was so alternative that it was happy for students to decide that they needed time, or was it that they knew that the students couldn't cope with being kept in such a somber place for so long, non-stop, and then being forced to learn there, and that taking a break would be in their best interests? Whatever it was, I liked this sentence because there was so much room to think - you didn't say why. And not only did that fit in with the narrative style, it left me, as a reader, space to develop my own theories without having them spoon-fed to me.
At Saint Jude's, 'private study' is code for being kept under observation. Not intense observation, but you have an adult around you during most of the day. It's not so bad. Just really, really boring.
Mmmm, it's really interesting how you put all these small mannerisms that the school has in the text - it makes the reader feel more connected, to the school and to the characters, more like a part of that world. Like me knowing what they call observation gives me a special connection with the characters and with the school; it makes me feel like an insider. And by building that connection with the reader you draw them further and further into the story, which is what you're aiming to do. So... good job. :cute:
they shyly waved back, to nervous about being out to be enjoying it yet.
'They' should have a capital 't' and 'to’ should be 'too'. But I like this sentence, it was very character building, and like the quote about showed little habits and things that happen around the school that are unique to St. Jude's.
"Oh, just some guy," I said. "Don't worry about him."
Mmmm, foreshadowing. I love it, I love the irony of the whole thing. 'Don't worry about him' - yet in a way, he must be all she worries about. He caused her to be there, he made everything worse. Before him, maybe, she was a girl with a few problems. But after Gareth entered her life, I imagine at least, everything got so much more complicated. Another thing now is that when reading the story for the first time, you don't realise the importance of that sentence - in fact it seems quite insignificant. It's only when you go back and actually look at the story and the turn of events that you realise that it really is quite important - it's really the last sentence of the introductory chapters. So for me at least, it's quite a turning point in the story, even though at the time I barely even noticed it. And thank you thank you thank you for not putting 'little did I know...etc.' :cheese:
Ah, the wonders of group therapy. Welcome to the land of the cliché.
Nice cynical beginning to the chapter - following your normal style, which is good because this is a key chapter, and sometimes with key chapters authors change their style. It's like they know that this has to be written well, like if it's not people will give up on the story, and they change a bit - fall out of character, use different words, basically lose what they've been writing like. This isn't all that common but it's common enough. :shifty
Plus, that's such a well known cliché that her saying that makes the whole situation really... I dunno, it just had this really teenage feel about it and it seemed really in character. :XD
My name's Felix and I still think everything is normal.
The part about Felix... I'm not sure what I think about it. I guess it depends on your intention when you wrote it - it seemed kind of vague, like you weren't willing to reveal his secret just yet. But I, as a reader, really want to know more and I felt really... confused, and slightly cut off when this paragraph ended without really finding a lot more about Felix. I know that Elizabeth is maybe not trying to convey any information about Felix but that paragraph seemed so... futile. The same thing in chapter 8 when Gareth is listening to her talk... we hear all these snippets but we never truly find out what happens - at least not yet - and it's almost frustrating. The closest thing we get is Anna, who is possibly his imaginary friend... but really, it's almost unbearable, you're dropping all these hints and I just want the full story. :tehe:
I don't think that paragraph makes sense. :think: Sorry.
"No," she gave me a indecipherable look.
'A' should be 'an'.
Leaving me standing outside the dark blue door, it's paint chipped and fading
it's should be its. No apostrophe.
All of the people in he room looked up sharply and said a few mumbled hellos, everyone calling her something different.
'he' should be 'the'.
And I thought it was really, really interesting how everyone called her different things. Like, I know that they weren't allowed to know her real name, but you think they'd all call her the same fake name. And it was also interesting how Elizabeth called her 'Sally' while all the others used surnames (Sally could very well be a surname I guess but it doesn't seem like one). I guess it makes you wonder, sort of... arouses curiosity about why they all call her different names; as long as none of them use her real name she should be fine, right? Why aren't they trying to build up as much trust as they possibly can by giving her one name that they can all use? And you know, why does Elizabeth get to use Sally while all the others use surnames? It makes you wonder.
There's no ifs or buts or maybes, it's always been that way, and it always will be that way.
So that goes back to... chapter three, when she entered the writing competition and didn't even consider losing. She entered, she won - she is the best, she was the best, and she will always be the best, in every conceivable way. And while in some ways that's her destruction, that ever-pressing need for perfection, in others it's what fuels her, what keeps her going, because she needs it. Without it she would be lost, she wouldn't have any real reason to do anything.
And the thing is, when you need to be the best, there's always something to do. Always something to play, a new sport, a new hobby, there's always something new. And that stops her getting bored, I think. She can do something until she reaches the top, and then she can move on - there's no need for her to keep working at it because she's already accomplished everything she wants to achieve. So you know, she moves on, finds something else to devote herself to, finds a new source of fuel. In some sick, twisted way I really wish I had her motivation.
My parent's always wanted two kids
No apostrophe in parents.
The day I won my black belt in karate they took the entire weekend off, and took me to the park. That was possibly the most time I'd ever spent with them.
Now that's sad. One weekend? This whole group therapy story shows us a different side to Elizabeth, one that we can't see through her cynicism and basically through direct first person. The way you've set it up is perfect - we get all her back story within one chapter, and you didn't have to truly drag it out. We know pretty much what made her like this now and I think that really clears the way for you to expand and work with your plot, without having to incorporate back story into it, which gives you a lot more room to move. It also tends to keep the story fresh and moving along, which is definitely a good thing. :tehe:
I discovered that the only way they would love me was when I was perfect. So I became the perfect child.
I love how simple that seemed as she was saying it, but how you know that being 'the perfect child' would be nowhere near that easy; it'd take hours of extra work, going flat out, perfect school grades alone take effort and dedication, let alone doing three or four other things on top of them. She's obviously at least mildly intelligent - Felix's earlier comment suggests very - or it'd be pretty much impossible, but you have to wonder how much time she spends on being perfect, how much she sleeps. And then you start to wonder whether or not being 'perfect' begins to stretch to things like her appearance - is it enough that she's smart, or does she have to look perfect too? And when you add that all up, you get a lot of effort. That'd fuck just about anybody up, but it's really only the beginning of her story. But see, you said all of that in a much more concise and impactful manner, which shows how... effective the simple style you used was.
So I played more instruments and took more classes and eventually it became so consuming that there was nothing else any more. Hell, I didn't even have friends.
And there she says it herself, says that it consumed her life. Kind of like an eating disorder, really - she was completely and totally overwhelmed by that desperate need to be perfect. It took over her entire life, and you can't keep up something that intensive forever without any major side effects. Lack of a social life, lack of 'me' time, lack of time really... I dunno. I know if that was me I'd feel severely screwed over.
"It was compelling. He talked about the world only loving that which is ruined. He said that the biggest disaster is our biggest fascination.
Well, you can see why she got caught up in him. It sounds like he was the first person to ever really give her attention and security without getting anything in return. Her parents obviously didn't, and it sounds like her nanny loved her but had limited English skills; he sounds like he's the first person she's ever truly known to devote themselves to her, to give her the full attention she so desperately craves. And he sounds intelligent - well, we know he's intelligent, he's Gareth - he sounds like he could easily manipulate Elizabeth. It sounds like she pretty much fell into his arms and made it easy for him to get inside her - figuratively and literally. :shifty Elizabeth made the whole thing way too easy for him, and he took advantage of that, and of her.
We didn't 'make love'. It wasn't like that. There was no love to it. It was harsh and it was cruel.
She seems like she was expecting so much more... not just in the actual act, but because there was no love in it. She could handle the pain, she could handle it all, but what she couldn't handle was the disappointment involved in it. As she said, he'd promised so much and he hadn't given it to her. That would have literally ripped her apart, but then you add in that he's the first person to give her his full attention, the first person to give her what she needs in that respect, for him to let her down in such a big way would be almost unbearable.
I couldn't be perfect. I could never be perfect.
Okay so sometimes when people try repeating something twice it just sounds stupid, but this worked so well - I don't know whether it's the fact that you changed it ever so slightly the second time, or whether it was because it was in dialogue, or it suited her character or the situation or what it was, I don't know. But it sounded like such a huge realisation - so big that you half had to remind yourself that she was talking about something she'd realised a long time ago - that maybe it needed the second sentence... without it, I don't think the effect would have been as great. Like, the first time you're all 'woah', but the second time it truly hits you and you're all 'fuuuuck'. :shifty
So for some reason I decided to end it.
So what I particularly loved about this bit is that you didn't overdo it. She tried to kill herself by overdosing. She changed her mind. That's all we needed, and that's all you gave, and if you had of given more it wouldn't have fit the story at all. This isn't a story about suicide - at least, not yet. Obviously, she's still in St. Jude's, therefore she's still alive, in body at least. We didn't need dramatic, overdone descriptions. We needed to know, sure, but that's all we needed. I think you wrote that perfectly; it was so simple, yet it clearly meant so, so, so much.
I also liked how she changed her mind, because, well... perfect kids don't kill themselves. Not that I believe perfection is ever truly attainable anyway, but perfect kids don't kill themselves. I mean, almost perfect kids might kill themselves, for whatever reason. But perfect kids don't kill themselves.
Maybe this wasn't they way it was meant to happen.
'they' should be 'the'.
That sentence... made me feel slightly odd. Like she wanted to die in a special way. Like even in death she had to be perfect, and this wasn't perfect, so she couldn't end it. But she also seemed kind of unsure about it... Maybe this wasn't the way to go. Which, for a character like Elizabeth, is weird, because she always seems to know what she wants before she does it, but she doesn't know here, she's not in control. And maybe it's this slight weakness that shows how unsure she is of herself, and maybe it's that slight weakness that proves she doesn't really want to die.
"He promised me distinction with his talks of destruction and ruin. He promised me perfection and he promised me superiority and he delivered none of it."
Those two sentences are beautiful.
You have such a talent of putting even the most devastating sentences in such a beautiful way... really, those sentences sound so desperate yet so solid yet so gorgeous.Okay so something I really liked about that chapter was how most of it was dialogue. The book I'm reading right now is called 'Heart of Darkness' by an author named Joseph Conrad, and pretty much the whole book is just one long dialogue, and, well, I love it. It just... gives the character to express things from their point of view without it being written in first person. They can pretty much speak directly to the reader almost conversationally, and it just builds such a strong connection. You've found a real voice for your characters and they come out almost flawlessly; the characters aren't flawless but the writing is. And I really like the way that you made the reader really empathetic towards Elizabeth through her own telling of the story... I think that by writing it in dialogue and having her be so... blunt about it, I started to feel really sorry for her, and through that feeling I got a really good connection.
of it's own lordliness and bullshit.
It's shouldn't have an apostrophe.
Past behaviour does not, and will not affect current behaviour.
This time I will get it right.
So at first I wondered what he was talking about, because he was sort of just wandering around the school, talking randomly. But then I was all "
Maybe he's talking about Elizabeth and how he's gonna wreck her life again!" So now I really really really wonder what's going to happen to them both because like... woah.I though you were still in the group room.
Though should be thought, y/y?
That whole paragraph about Felix was really... hinty, yet again. :grr: It's like, I just wanna know what happened to him! But it's probably worth the wait, actually, it's just... frustrating. Because I'm so excited. :tehe: And the thing with the hints is that you thin you know why he's in there but you don't know the whole thing. So you've got your own theory but you have no idea whether or not it's even remotely right, and even if it is right you want to know why he's that way.
"That fucking Gareth Majors ruined my life."
See I knew this was coming, but the first time I read it I had no idea. And it was such a big shock, just so... powerful. Almost like 'there, there's the whole plot of the story, done'. But at the same time, you knew it wasn't over, you knew there was more and you know whatever it is it's gonna be good. It has to be good, because well, there's such a strong introduction, the rest has to be good. It's just so... amazing. You want Elizabeth and Felix to be okay and Gareth to die painfully, but somehow it feels like it's gonna be the other way around, and it's all just so... exciting. I'm not making sense.
But seriously, this story is already amazing, and it has so much potential. I'm so so so excited to see what happens next because the whole thing is just so awesome.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE UPDATE.
'Kay I'm done.
Sorry for boring you. 
I do believe I'd like to read more, because this is the best story I've read today. (I've read two.) So you're 50% awesome. Congrats.
UPDATE. :D