Dark Secrets - Comments

You start out with some really great detial, then lose it and get really vague, then you get some of the nice detail back later. I am writing a novel series I wrote the first 200 pages in first person ignoring everyone telling me it does not work. Like this story, I ended up relying almost entirely on dialogue exchanges. Eventually I figured out first person really does not work, it is difficult to read. Now I am re-writing the first 200 pages. First person simply does not work except for very short stories. there is a reason almost all stories from great writers are written in third person, and it is not because they are not creative or clever enough to write in first person. There is some good stuff in this story and some pat stuff that is redundant of other simlat stories ("go into the light"; the evil swept through me") There are also some parts that need more thought "I somehow knew the way" Magic? Even within the parameters of fantasy/fiction the events have to make sense and have an explanation of some sort. The bones of something good are here, but I suggest you re-write it, change it to third person, maintain the wonderful detail from the beginning of the story, get rid of the page background (makes it too hard to read). Sorry to be harsh or whatever, but this story needs work

I learned a new word "reticulated" although I am not sure how that word got in there or what was intended It is a neat word.

This story is absolutely bone-chilling while being super awesome! I love the description added, it's amazing. I'm not really the type of person to read scarier stories, but I'm definitely going to read more of this. Keep writing, you definitely have a talent for it!

I like this idea. It's very interesting and totally makes me want to read more! I have two suggestions, however. The first (and one that I immediately noticed) is that your background, while really awesome and spooky, makes it really difficult to read your great story. I honestly had to highlight everything (Ctrl+A) so the background was blue and the text was white. In my opinion, you wanna make your story stand out more than your background. Not the other way around ;)
With that said, you might want to research a little on how to show instead of tell. You have some great information here, but the way its presented totally loses any tension and mystery. It's fast. Take the beginning for example: "The house that was to be my doom lied before me. Mom was driving, with the radio blasting and her head bobbing to the beat. My mom had me at a very young age so she was more of an older friend then a parent."

I totally get what you're saying. But you could present this with description. Have the reader connect the dots themselves instead of you handing them a completely done connect-the-dots picture. Let me know if this is confusing and I'll be happy to explain it to you in another way.
So just some little suggestions. I enjoyed your start here. Seems like you're building up to something big!!

I love the picture!
The summary is great, I personally love stories like these... (even more so with the holidays coming up).
I think that maybe a little more description can be added, but overall it flows nicely.
Good Job!

I didn't read the whole thing but this is an original idea and I liked the layout as well. I would say maybe add a bit of description to to it. I think it flowed well as it kept readers on edge. One more thing I would change is how the box of text is transparent, it just gave me abit of a headache and made it diffcult to read what was such a fab piece of writing!

Brought here by the commetn swap :) So, I'll start out by saying this. If you take one thing from any of these comments, remember this. You are better than you think. Don't edit anything unless it's a terrible grammar mistake or something like that. Writing and editing, as far as I'm concerned, should never be done at the same time. You have such a fantastic style that it kills me to think that there could be some part in there that was scratched out, because I wanna read it all! Please please please keep updating. Do what you do :)

Love the picture and layout.

The summary really gets me since I love paranormal, magical, supernatural, fantasy moments. Excited :)

Alright, for the prelude..
I like how you're bringing in the psychic element. My only problem is that, for an 8year old, the kid's a bit too emotionally stable. And composed. How's an 8year old going to go from crying because of a vision to completely forgetting about it? Just cause there was some noise? I get teenagers being used to that psychosis of looking normal in public, but a kid that young probably doesn't react as super smoothly.

As for chapter one, if her mom doesn't really believe her, why would she go running and telling her things that would probably get her grounded if she just turned 16? Teenagers are usually the ones with secrets....
A little read-through would be good. There are moments like " I couldn't stand it though. I marched up to Hannah," Hey, I don't know where you think you can bully someone, but you can't."
That part should be "why" I believe.

This is interesting. Random with fights and ghosts, but interesting. Keep it up (:
And PS, coffee doesn't taste horrible all the time. Add some cream and sugar (:

The transitions are a little awkward and so is the dialogue. Also, easily fixable.

Alright, so there were a lot of grammar and punctuation issues which made it tricky to read at some points. There were also a few times that you used a word that didn't make sense in the context. For instance: "The busting of the doors." I got what you were trying to say, but the word "busting" doesn't work in the sentence.
That's just the mechanicals of it though. Very easily fixable.
I really enjoyed this and I can't wait to see more. Just fix grammar/punctuation stuff, and you'll have a fantastic story. The mistakes definitely got in the way of the enjoyment though:(

Comment swap! A few grammar mistakes but whatever right? I'm not some English teacher and shit hahaha. This is actually really good and make me want to know more, so you better update this real soon! (:

Very pretty and descriptive. The best kind of stories are the ones where you can *see* what is happening in your head - like watching a movie :)

Grammar/punctuation/whatever was mentioned before, but there really aren't any glaring mistakes. I can't wait to read more of this! x

I really like the layout, how simple it is, the colors, and everything like that. Like the below comments, I think you need to portray how Amanda talks to ghosts better. I see a few grammar mistakes, but no worries.

Woah. That was cool. I really liked it and got really into it. Though you had a few grammatical errors (not that anyone cares) I really enojyed it. You're a very talented writer and I could clearly see everything happening in my head. I didn't think the movie would come into play so much, but when Amanda "banished" the evil man, it worked. Or atleast that's how I saw it. (: Hope this helps. Lots of love and luck to you in your writing.
-NatalieDeJayy<&3

There are a few mistakes as far as grammar goes, but those can all be fixed pretty easily. So far, not a lot of character development, but it's only the beginning so that's not such a bad thing right now. And, I don't know of it's just me, but it feels a little rushed to me. I like the story though, and I hope you keep it up. It's shaping up to be interesting.

This is very good! I like the simplistic layout. I agree with PassportToRome about portraying Amanda talking to the spirits better. Overall this is an awesome start and I really love it. There are no major errors as far as spelling and grammar are concerned. You're a great writer. Keep up the great work.

Woah, this was really good! There are a few mistakes but overall your writing is very good!

The plot is very good so far and I'm interested to see where it goes. I do have one suggestion though -

Y0u know where Amanda talks to the spirit? I think that could maybe be executed more convincingly, just really describe the change that takes place in her. Perhaps describe a change in her voice?

It's just a suggestion but I feel it would improve that particular chapter dramatically :)

Going to sub and recc this :)

This is great :3 cant wait to read more when you update ^___^

I love how you used the name "Ava Elizabeth ," it's my best friends name. ANYWAYS. I love how it's descriptive, it gives the story a nice feel. Its over descriptive where it completely ruins the story. Ive read stories, that are like "she elegantly oh so carefully picked up the fragile, glass doll that her now dead mother had given her when she was three years old and just a tiny baby," yours isn't like that. It's nice and smooth, and is perfect. I absolutely adore the story, and cant wait for you to write more.

I also love paranormal or ghost stories, and yours is perfect, I don't know what words to use to describe it..

One flaw you do have is your grammar/ punctuation ... I suggest writing the chapter out on Microsoft word, then copy and pasting on here. That's what I do, and it works great!! Lots encouragement for you to write more!!! Love the plot so far, and it has potential.

~Misery_Business <33333333333333

it's amazing, i love it!!

I love ghost/paranormal stories. They're great if written right.

As a few said already, the first chapter (prologue) was a little vague. But it did leave me wanting to know what was going to happen next. I also understood that it was in the perspective of a little child so it wasn't going to be dead-on with details or anything.
However, going into the first chapter, it really was...highly cliche. When writing about high school, it's best you stay away from TV/movie cliches. Making the popular kid a fake blonde is just typical. Your best bet is to make it unique. Not all popular girls in high school are fake blondes. Brunette, redhead, you name it. Brunette might be as common, but not as cliche as fake blonde. You know what I mean?

Like others pointed out, you did have some trouble with grammar and punctuation. One common and recurring mistake was the one Shiznit pointed out. The quotation mark problem.

Otherwise, this story and plot has a lot of potential. The only problem with the plot itself was that it felt like it moved too fast, too. You would have been better off easing the readers into it. Learning that she could see spirits. Maybe the prologue being her first time of seeing a spirit would help; then have the first chapter be her moving into the house and witnessing this little girl. All in all, you need to take your time. Don't rush your story. Especially not a plot like this. Just take your time.