December 22nd, 2011 at 06:01pm
This is cute, though if you varied up the language, the story would flow better. There are random sections that just seem choppy, mainly in the paragraph which described how their lives took separate turns. The sentences, like I said, are all starting off the same, and the repetition takes away from the flow of the story. ‘Brendon greeted him with a hug and a big smile. He still looked like the same dorky Brendon that Ryan had known all of these years. He was dressed in a long sleeved white shirt, glasses, and a Santa hat. He had a tiny bit of hair dusting his chin and above his lip like he had forgotten to shave.’
Just toying with combining and rearranging would help the syntax (or whatever the word is) of the story, and… I completely forgot where I was going with this, so I’ll stop now xD
You flipped, when you specified that you were writing in Brenon’s POV, from past tense to present, and with the somewhat choppy sentence structure takes away from the story as a whole.
You said no smut Dx Pssh, whatever. Anywhosits… In a nut shell, it was a cute little oneshot that I enjoyed reading.
I love your layout
Especially the picture on the side
Anywho,
I thought this was really cute story
I wish it was more then just a one shot, but I'm not complaining.
Now I might read the rest of your christmas stories you got.
Keep up the good work
<3