February 20th, 2012 at 02:12am
The layout was nice to look at, but the banner was a bit distracting at first.
I love the flow to this whole thing, and your characterization. I adore Alice and the way you wrote the whole situation. It's very unique. The doctors seem to know something about Wonderland. I'm curious as to what it is and what Madalyn will find.
Great job with this. :)
Overall you're writing is great only thing that I would have to crique you for would be spelling and a little bit of grammar. I'll post the original bit of writing then the changed bit so you can see the difference :)
Original:
"I see," she sniffed again, making me start to loath this nurse who thought she was so much better than me. "Well, then, please, come this way."
Revised:
"I see," she sniffed again, making me start to loath this nurse who thought she was so much better than me. "Well then, please come this way."
Original:
I felt adrenalin kick in and I sprinted faster than I would have though possible towards the door.
Revised:
I felt adrenalin kick in and I sprinted faster than I would have thought possible towards the door.
Original:
I had a good feeling about going left but I had a rule that I never followed my good feelings. Instead of letting my gut lead me I took off in the left direction praying that I would be able to escape the horrible hands of the nuthouse doctors.
This one I'm a little unsure of :/ I'm not sure if she was still mean't to go left or if she was meant to go left. I've revised it with two words so you have an option but also left this note in case this was intentional.
Revised:
I had a good feeling about going left but I had a rule that I never followed my good feelings. Instead of letting my gut lead me I took off in the right/opposite direction praying that I would be able to escape the horrible hands of the nuthouse doctors.
My first reaction was to stop screaming,
Original:
And it does do no good when I reach for the closest thing to food and pull out a bit of mushroom
Revised:
And it does no good when I reach for the closest thing to food and pull out a bit of mushroom
And people above tend to age as well.
Original:
Spending so much time with the hare and the Mad Hatter had caused me to speak me to speak my mind. They were not afraid to say exactly what was playing through their heads.
Revised:
Spending so much time with the hare and the Mad Hatter had caused me to speak my mind. They were not afraid to say exactly what was playing through their heads.
I think the banner you have is excellent. But I think it is a little distracting, as it's always changing. I'd suggest putting it the the summary and leaving the chapter with a picture of something. Maybe wonderland as a dump? Would suit the title and also the story.
I really do like the story and you will have no problems getting readers. I knwo for one thing I'm subcribing to this. I love it and I can't wait to see what this story is about. It's a big mystery at the moment and that's great. I'm finding too many stories on here that just jump straight into the plot and that annoys me.
But keep up the good work seriously. You both are great writers.