Rusty - Comments

My review for the contest:

I really liked this story - it was so sad, but really sweet too. I loved how you managed to write from a child's point of view, which is something I've hardly ever seen on Mibba. I can imagine that it was quite hard to get into the mindset of a young child, but it was very convincing. The description was consistently good throughout, and my favourite line was the first couple of sentences about the window - I thought it set the scene really well, and created a really good image. The story flowed well, and I don't think there were any spelling or grammar mistakes either, which was nice. Overall, it's a really good story. :)

This was amazing!

I find it so amazing how you just got into the mind of a elementary girl and just wrote it out so well. Her age is a mystery, but the way you potrayed her is above the age if 5 yet under the average pubery age. I was surprised when you stated that she was in a wheelchair. Yet, the relationship you stated Emilia had with her dog was very touching and sweet. It just seemed so raw like you have a personal experience.

I HAS THE TEARS! BECAUSE THIS WAS THE SAD!

No but seriously though. Wow. I don't know what happened just now, but it was amazing. And I felt you captured her voice perfectly as a child. I don't know how old Emilia is, but I get the feeling of 12-13, maybe. But more like 10-11. I liked it, because though sometimes her thoughts were a little mature, I think that happens if you've had to face something as hard as an accident like that. Like, where she was forced to accept something as heavy as the fact that she'd never be able to walk again (I'm assuming), and I think that forces you to grow up also.

Eh, man, this comment is awkward.

Anywho.

I could see my feet, but when I shut my eyes, they disappeared.
- Amazing!

Blah, great.

The layout of the story is simplistic like a child and the use of white over a brownish pink really makes the writing stand out, making the story legible.

The banner is what has captivated me the most of the whole layout. The snow, trees and the sun shining through is wonderful. I feel as if you are using some sort of metaphor like the darkness of the tress and the denseness is her injury and the light peeping through is her happiness, her nearing her goal. She is finally able to see the light from out the tunnel.

Reading this story i felt like i was spiralling backward into my own childhood. I could see my past and remember what is was like to be that little and to not always understand the simplest of tasks like Maths homework.

You go quite in depth with the story, making sure that readers understand what is truly happening around Emilia, which is excellent. I prefer a story that flows rather than one that has chunks missing.

Your attempts at finding a child's voice are somewhat lacking in certain areas. The way you describe her dog e.g Rusty’s coat was thick and shaggy, composed of a mosaic of brown and red swirls of fur. mosaic is probably too much of a "grown-up" word in this instance. I would have probably used the term range as it's more of a simplistic word, something a child would know.

You also use words such a "reciprocals" and "muster" that a child would not understand the meaning of. Although I'm not entirely sure the age of Emilia in this story I gather she is young possibly 6/7. Also in regards to the incident and her acceptance of what happened I find she understood it quite quickly. Again I'm not sure what age she was when the incident happened but to me a child as young as 6/7 would not understand what was happening, even when explained. They would usually be upset and she would wonder why her legs felt invisible.

In sections you do actually capture her voice quite well, for example when she wakes up excited that her training wheels are coming off her bike that night. It pure childish as children are single-minded and only care about the next exciting event of their lives.

The graphic details of the events that surrounded her tragic accident are simply inspiring. Emilia's whining over her rain boots and her mother's story telling is marvelous. You really feel like you're there, that you are seeing things first hand. I commend you on that.

Overall I think this is a wonderful story and I plan to stick around to see how the rest of it turns out. I'm intrigued as to how Emilia tries to move on with her life now that she can't do what all the other kids can.

P.S I'm only going by how my six/seven year old cousins act and also I'm not sure how old Emilia is suppose to be.

Ooh... I love it. There are a few rough points with the voice, but it's really a lovely narration. And you're doing a beautiful job of capturing a child's voice. Just focus on the simple things, like rainboots and non-bending new plastic straps. And reciprocals.

I love the bit about Rusty, and Grammy, and Mom trying to explain the accident. It's so purely childish I love it... goodness, people should be asking you for pointers, not the other way around.
Subscription for sure. If I didn't have to get off I would have left a longer comment. I promise that for chapter two!