Déchirure - Comments

This is the first time I've read anything from you being this explicit and raw. It is frightening to see how she slowly begins to remember, how her body is a walking memory of that time, but I couldn't help myself so I kept reading.

I really liked how you alternated between present and past and between third person pov and first person pov. The first person pov made me feel for her; it made me scratch at my own neck as I read her story from her own point of view; it made her real. And the third person part, it made me think as if she wasn't herself anymore, as if she had distanced herself from reality, from the outcomes of her past, in order to survive. I really liked that distinction.

I only noticed two typos:
She faced the mirror
and
muffled first my his hand should be by*

Aside form that, I really loved the rawness of this story.

I really like the language in this story, there is something very raw about it.
"I started crying when he started licking and biting my earlobe, his saliva traveling down the back of my neck"

That's a perfect example, that's such a nasty detail, and as a reader I just can't get that imagery out of my head, it's so effective.

One thing I think may improve the flow is trying to break up some of the clauses. For example,
"He lost the right to be my daddy the first time I heard his hand slap my momma’s cheek, her body smashing down on the floor, her eyes growing with fear. He was an angry drunk and I was a coward teen with a stuffed cow sitting on my bed and a closed door against my back as my fingers locked the knob."
That's only two sentences but 8 different clauses and it gets a little heavy to read. I think the story would flow better if you broke those up into individual sentences, and it would be an opportunity to add more detail.

Just a thought, the font size on this story is really tiny. I had to zoom in to be able to read it, and I'm very glad I did because it was a very emotional and well written story!