Forsaken - Comments

The background doesn't really match your photo, as a side note. This is really interesting. I love well written apocalyptic stories and this definitely fits the bill. Not going to lie, when I was reading the first chapter I definitely kept thinking that Duke was a dog, no idea why I literally kept picturing a dog standing by her side pointing his nose like a hunting animal. The repetition of 'Duke went off to find whatever it was that caught his attention' sticks out like a sore thumb. It really breaks your flow but other than that I couldn't find a problem. Great work.

YAAAAYYYY!! hello! after so long, I finally get to read and comment!! =D (I've been sick...=/)

There were a minor mistakes in spelling, but nothing that threw me off or confused me.

Anywho... I loved the updates! The suspense, the tension, OHMY, I'm all jittery!! I also love the new layout; awesome and fitting!
I have to feel bad for Carrie, to be so scarred emotionally, mentally and physically. It makes me question, if we were ever to have a zombie apocalypse, which is really the lucky ones? The ones that become zombies, or the ones that have to fight to stay clean?
And Nikolai...poor Russian man, so I'm guessing his family was lost in the 'invasion.' It's almost amazing how calm and collected he seems while maintaining a sense of humanity and not to mention sanity. I love his character so far; between his strong exterior and actions, to his clearly broken emotions...it's all so realistic.

Ah, but I got to say...my favorite so far is DUKE. Just saying. XD

I love this story, I really do. I'll be crossing my fingers for the trio, wishing for a safe journey to safety!!!! =D

First I gotta say
I love the layout
Especially the banner picture.

Anywho,
Only problem I had, (which now I understand when I do this, and people yell at me for it)
Was the small white font, up against black background.
But don't change it though, the layout fits well with the story. :D
But I did quite enjoyed this story,
Your descriptions made me feel I was there.

I don't read much Zombie stories
Because they aren't written well
But you did a great job at this.

Keep up the good work
<3

I liked your summary and the layout fits with the story. However, I personally had a problem adjusting my eyes to the white text on the black background. That might just be me though haha.

Your first line was interesting and it caught my attention. Your descriptions of the desolation and how drained Carrie is were very good. I could visualize the scene and that's very important for me when reading any type of literature. At first I thought Duke was a person but then I realized he was a dog haha. I noticed a few times where you needed commas but I think that has already been mentioned so I won't go into detail about that.

While I like zombies, I wouldn't normally read fiction about them, but this story was enjoyable. There are various directions you could go with this story. Great job so far!

This is very, very good and very different from the usual stuff you see on this site; or rather, the stuff I write personally, so I enjoyed reading it!

The summary is good. The relationship you describe is unique and perfect and it makes me want to know more about those involved. I love the characters your developing and how the way you paint them says a lot about the world around them.

Overall, great job so far!

I'm really not a fan of the layout as the banner is too big for it and it just really contrasts with the story area as everything is small and it just looks strange and your writing is just a little too dark, I recommend on making it lighter. You have a very interesting premise going on but I dunno, you tell more than you show, especially when you kind of describe Carrie's moods and emotions in the first chapter, it's more like, "She felt this, she did this...", y'know? You also need to break up your paragraphs a little bit, some of them are unnecessarily huge and it can be a little draining to the reader. Whilst the story isn't something I'd read normally, you have an interesting plot so far so keep writing.

The layout... The banner picture is a bit large, and it's kind of annoying. Same thing with the story area, and how everything else is so small.
Ignoring the layout, this is very well written. there were a few grammar or spelling mistakes here and there, but nothing too terrible.
I like the plot, it sounds very interesting.
This is really good, overall.
So, yeah :tehe: Sorry if this sucks, it's a little busy where I am .___.

To start with the layout isn't my favorite. It isn't ugly by all means, but I have a hard time seeing everything. All of the grey just starts to blend in and hurt my eyes. Also, the links are the same color as the background so you may want to fix that.

I love it when an author has a character page, though I would have liked to have seen it more polished.

In Carrie's info: I'd like to see standing capitalized. Also I saw that you have a dash in between self and neglect the second time you used it and not the first time. Maybe fix the first one to match the second one. In the sentence where you explain Niko having a habit of calling her a bird, the wording is a bit off when you say 'Nikolai went into the habit of'. Maybe switch some of the words out and put in Nikolai started a bad habit of... and so on. Fragile is also missing the 'e' on the end.

In the summary: each other is two separate words and 'others' needs an apostrophe.

In chapter one: 'on the horizon, drained', this does not need a comma. I'd also like to see the paragraphs separated.

However, after a few moments- maybe it was seconds, minutes, hours. She didn’t know and certainly didn’t care-, - This doesn't make sense. I think you need to put an ‘or’ before hours and a comma after hours. You need to take out the dash and comma and put a period, and then capitalize 'the' for the next sentence.

I noticed you put 'suppose to' and not supposed to several times.

Anymore is one word.

Please please please - need commas.

In chapter two: 'This is bad this is bad this is bad. Bad badbad' - again commas.

'demanding she wake up, his' - put an 'and' after the comma.

I believe you meant grime and not 'grim'

In chapter three: beforehand is one word. To do is two separate words.

Other than separating paragraphs and fixing a couple of mistakes, this one is ok.

I like the plot. It makes me curious and even though I don't like the layout too much I can still enjoy the story.

This is awesome. The layout is wonderful, except for it's hard to see the next chapter button at the end of a chapter and in the summary. I love the amount of detail in this story, it puts such great images in my head.

I liked the way this story has been described. How feeble and weak she is makes the reader think what might happen to her next. The memories of duke seem to be the only thing making her go on, that and the purpose of going to the city for some reason. Overall I liked this a lot and plan to keep reading on. :D

The writing in this is actually extremely good. You have great words that you use to describe everything and a very specific language you manage to make your own. Really the only thing I have to suggest is to seperate your paragraphs and get a more appealing layout. That way you'll have more people wanting to read this, because I know for a fact that there are dozens of people who won't read a story if they don't like the way it looks. Otherwise, great job so far.

OHHH...Nikolai! The Russian Sniper!! (Has a ring to it, doesn't it? ^_^)
I already like him; from his cool composure to his foreign nature. What's not to like about him??
But he's human; he felt guilty for almost taking out Carrie...

I'm also guessing Ronnie is Veronica, and Tori is Victoria...I'm wondering what happened???
Is Tori a figment of Nikolai's imagination??

Just one error I caught:
Taking in a steady breath, he aimed todo the same for her as he had the woman in the cotton nightgown.

Excellent! Looking forward for more!!

Just finished the second chapter...and I was with Duke the whole time.

I was literally thinking "Get up!! PLEASE GET UP!!" Sorry to upset you, but SLEEPING is NOT an option!! >_<
Poor Carrie...the very thing she deserve is sleep and rest but I found myself thinking not yet! Hang in there, Carrie!

Ah, I love the whole "Thanks for this, whatever god is sitting there with a magnifying glass and I'm the wee little ant" attitude. Appropriate, seeing it's as if the whole world had turned against her. And ah, the "Perfect Warrior Project" had taken yet another world. Seriously, it's scary what science could possibly do to our lives...

AH!! I'm going to read more!!! I'll be back!!

goodness gracious. i loved it! i love zombie stories and this is the best so far.

i love duke, so loyal. it made me smile. i love how you describe how drained the main character is. emotionally, physically, mentally. it's amazing.

I absolutely love this. =D You rarely ever get to read a good zombie story here, I think this is actually only my second one.

I loved the details; I could see this chaotic scene in my mind. It was a scene right from the movies!
From the color of the sky to the filth, and the dead zombie leftover she accidentally stepped in. >_<
Poor girl; she is clearly at her wit's end. I am curious...who was watching her from a rifle scope????

Grammar and details were nice; everything flowed well and I had not issue reading this.
If I were to make one negative comment, I think it would be the layout.
It's pretty, the grey fits but flowers? As of right now, it really doesn't do your story justice.

AHHHH, I want to read more...Looking forward to updates! =D *SUBSCRIBED*

I LOVE THIS (: COMMENT VIRGINITYxD I really like the beginning, very interesting! Please continue story