Chosen - Comments

Well, first of all, I do like the banner. Sorry, I just had to say it. Also, I loved the simile in the Prologue about her friends dropping like flies. Well, you actually said “go down like flies,” which is better. It’s a way to take a good, popular simile, and make it less cliché. I also agree with the person below me about the sentence in chapter two. “Deep shallow breath” is wrong. The only way it could be right, is if you said something like: “I took a breath. It was deep, but somehow strangely shallow all at once.” You know, like when people say you can hear the silence? Or when people say they are both awake, or asleep at the same time? That’s the only way this can work.

Okay, I do like Jake’s character. He does seem nice. I like the fact that he offered to put the necklace on Kara, and something about his diction, the way he talks, just makes him seem like a gentleman. I really hope that if he gives Kara the gift mentioned in the description, that it ends up helping her. I wonder what will happen at the Danque Café whne he meets her tomorrow.

I think the next chapter should be a peak at Kara’s home life and school life. So far, Kara tells the reader that it’s bad , but we don’t really know how bad. We need you, the author, to show us. Don’t just tell us, show it, too. “As I felt the air sting in my lungs I ran faster”----for some reason I like this line.

In general, I think this will be good if you continue it.

Comment swap. Read the second chapter. The first sentence was already off. "Taking a deep shallow breath I looked up" It can be deep and shaky or clipped and shallow, but it can't be both shallow and deep each adjective contradicts the other. Also the narration was too "I did this... I saw this" rather than allowing me to connect with the character and describing it all, you told me what was happening. Thats just a personal preference though. But the plot has me curious and thats good. Doesn't make it cliche.

Hello, I came here via. comment swap and I must say this story is really well written. I was -and still am- impressed. The layout is really pretty and it goes great with the story. Good job and I'll definitely recommend the story. :)

Your layout is lovely, and has a really nice effect with the banner picture and the title. The prologue was slightly confusing for me, but was well written, and I LOVE the beginning of the second chapter. It's so imaginative and you can practically feel the wishfulness in her thoughts, which shows how powerfully you wrote that seen. Great job! :)

@ annett

Thank you so much!!! xD haha with the background chick layout when you go on the page stories and choose the best layout that fits your story thats how you can pick what background you want or you can make it yourself but that consits of knowing html which you probably do not know.

WOW ypur good girl nice piece of work, you certainly have a way with words and very imaginative nice background

I love your description and your use of imagery, it makes everything so mysterious and really pulls the reader in. I really hope you continue with this story, it's intriguing and I want to see what happens next!

This story was very, very interesting. You've really set up a nice story, and I can appreciate the intriguing beginning. All the added details are positively wonderful, and really allow the reader to connect with the story. :)

This story is great so far. I love how you can feel the emotion from the very beginning, and how sad Kara feels with her life. I'm intrigued about who Jake is, and what their relationship will be, assuming they have one as the story makes it seem. Great job!

I love your description, it makes everything so mysterious and really pulls the reader in. I hope you continue with this story, it's intriguing!

The story makes me want to find out more.

Ah I love the descriptive details, stories like this keep me pulled it. It has a mysterious yet romantice adventurous feel to it. The prolouge makes me want to read more since it left me confused a bit but the over all chapter had a good curious feel to it. I could definatly late to Kara.

This seems like a really cool idea so far. I love the metaphors in your writing and the way you write really creates an image in my mind. I’m really curious to see what exactly her gift is and also who the person was in the prologue. One thing I would suggest is maybe read over the chapter before you post it because I did notice some minor problems with the grammar, but overall the story is fantastic!

First off, I'm a description-lover, so the way you described the setting of the story and also how you carefully placed the details made it vivid and surreal at the same time. Might I add that the "darkness" of this story really added some enigma, which I guess was what led me into reading more of this. I really enjoyed this, love. You did a fabulous job with this!

This is really good so far. The prologue really drew me in. I was a bit skeptical after the summary but this is definitely a great story, I'll be subscribing to it. I like the layout too. I don't want to sound like a prude and I certainly say the f-word plenty, I just didn't see the point of it in the summary. I mean, I don't know, perhaps your character is simply like that, that's how she talks. I mean, it really didn't effect the story, I just thought I'd mention it.

this is very intiresting. i have been wanting to read a simmilar story to this :) anyway i think the summary of this stroy is very intiresting, it seams so mysterious and it makes me want to keep reading to find out what will happen. i will for sure be reading this :)

The summery pulled me in and it made me want to read more. Which is good! I found only a few spelling and grammar mistakes. And if you space out the paragraphs and such i'm sure it'll seem a lot more inviting to read. Other then that consider me subscribed :)

Your prologue was much similar to your summary—captivating. But one tiny suggestion that I think may help you in the future: Space our your paragraphs just a wee bit more. Just hit that ENTER key one more time before starting a new paragraph. I know you may think I'm crazy, but it will really make the story a lot easier to read.

Your summary really draws the reader in. It makes them ask questions that could only be answered by reading the story.

first commenttttt :) i really like the concept you have layed out- i'm excited to see how you play it through. just the prologue and summery had me totally engrossed- i can't wait for actual chapters lol but i really like the language you use- really suspenseful, with just the right amount of darkness to keep it interesting.