Listinia - Comments

It's a different take on the fantasy genre, or at least one I haven't seen yet. I love the world you’ve created, a world washed in war where all have to fight. Where kids can’t truly be kids, they have to train to fight a seemly meaningless war and where all innocence is lost. I can’t fault your idea nor can I ‘help’ with your spelling being for the fact that you’re from The U.S.A. and I’m from the UK (Two different forms of English.). I look forward to see how the story progresses.

- Through comment swap.

Oh my, I love this! I wasn't looking forward to reading it, to be honest, because these kind of stories usually turn out to be cliché or poorly written. But yours is both original and fantastically written. The ending of the last chapter makes me want to read more, though unfortunately you've not written any more. I shall be subscribing! And I have to disagree with the commenter below me; the fire wasn't random to me because it connected up to a part right near the beginning of the story when Arden was with Dal.

I adore your writing style; it's simple and elegant and easy to read. It suits the story. You also have strong characters, particularly Listinia. She's so mysterious and you manage to pull that off. I also think it's great how you've spread the information out between chapters instead of having the first chapter as an introduction with too much info.

There were a few things that could be improved on...

(in chapter one)
"Yeah." I focus more on the heat radiating off of the fire than what he's saying. - using 'off of' sounds a bit clumsy and disrupts your flow. I'd change it to something like 'from'.

(chapter three)
"She didn't look like anyone I've ever seen before, actually," I add, know this thing is probably important. - 'know' should be 'knowing'.

As Dal said, nothing bad ever comes from other people, and monsters wouldn't dare coming into town. - 'coming' should be 'come'. Or you could reword it to make 'coming' work.

(chapter six)
In any other situation, a person would get confused. Her expression is so innocent. She just looks confused. - To me, the first sentence implied that she wasn't confused - because of the 'any other situation' - but then you stated that she did actually look confused. It also disrupted your flow when you used 'confused' twice so close together. Maybe try to change it around a bit - for example, you could change it to something like: In a situation like this, a person would get confused - which is exactly how she looks. Her expression is so innocent.

That's it! I hope you continue this; it's so interesting. I'd like to read more in future.

I think you had a great summary. It's really interesting :)

Starting the fire seemed a bit random, apart from showing the reader that he has magical powers.

Otherwise, that was a good start to the story. There were no errors that I spotted, and it seemed pretty realistic, so yeah. Good job :)

Your idea is really interesting, and you do a good job at getting the perspective of people who are comfortable and used to the idea of war and of death. Your spelling and grammar are really good too. You give good background without weighing the story down in history. Also, you end chapters at great places. You're good at building suspense. You're also really good at beginning chapters so they make someone want to keep reading. And I like your narrator. He has a distinct voice and he's easy to relate to.

This story is wonderful. In all honesty, fantasy stories are really not my cup of tea, but I did enjoy reading this all the same. The paragraph at the start of the seventh chapter(In a world of war, romance is[...]) was fantastic. The way you worded it really helps the reader to understand just how intense the lives of these people are. All through your story you employ magnificent imagery, and all the little added details make for a wonderful read. I love your writing style, and I can't wait to find out how this story ends.

I must say that this was a very amazing idea, and I think you are doing a lovely job with it. I think that Arden and Dal sound a little childish for being 20, but that is just my opinion. The elders are great, and you do a great job of explaining them.

For mibba comment swap. Firstly, beautiful layout, it's such a nice colour and suits the story well. As everyone has said the story and summary are amazing, it flows so well and gives details very well. Very interesting and a delight to read :)

I absolutely love that your layout matches your story and the colors. It isn't something I see often in Comment Swap. It is an absolute thrill. Just like everyone mentioned your summary is fantastic, just like your story. I found it flowed naturally and with ease. It's a very interesting thing to read. The idea is original and very beautiful. Great job!

Hell0! Remember me? :D Well, you suggested this story in my journal once when I was bored and I finally got to read it just now when boredom strikes again. I've promised you I'd leave a comment so here it is. :) Okay bye.

Lol just kidding. xD I'm sorry it took me so long to actually read the story. :0

Aaanyway, I'm glad this type of story still exists. I love it. Love it love it love it. I mean, who doesn't love tales? I love the names you made(?). They are brilliant and adds up to the fact that this story seems like taking place somewhere in the medieval era. That's just my prediction. I love how you start every chapter with a few paragraphs of flashback/s or explanation about their life that would make readers like I am go "what's the point of this?" and giving them the answer as the actual story of Listinia starts, which I observed, with a quote. I simply love your writing style.

Before I forget, Chapter 3 - I hear a bird singing at one point, and it's annoying the shit out of me. Why are there even birds in the winter? I see it sitting in a tree and I notice it's nice and fat. So I put an arrow through it and it falls to the ground. HAHAHA I don't know why but the first sentence made me laugh so hard like I never did for online stories before. It was just hilarious not to laugh at. Arden really showed how much he was pissed. Poor the bird, though. While I'm at it, I just want to point out how amusing I find Arden's personality is.

Equia somehow seems arrogant to me even though she didn't do anything that made her sound so. But at the same time her character is kinda interesting. She reminds me somehow somewhat of Arthur of Merlin. I don't even know why. Some moment she has also reminded me of Anna of Van Helsing but top of all, there's this one character - a woman - in a movie that I can't figure out - as in I forgot. Anyhow... Equia. Equia. Equia. I like her name. lol.

And gaah. Chapter 7. Cliffhanger! Update soon. :(

Subscribed. :) On to your Seashells (not right away) ----------teleport-----------

I really like this story as a classic and not so classic fantasy story. I really like the idea of the interbreeding and all of these creatures coming together. The girl is very interesting and I'm looking forward to hearing more about her. I am a big lover of fantasy tales, and I'm so glad I stumbled upon yours in this comment swap. The only thing I really don't like is the In-the-moment narration, but that's just me. I also like the main character and how deep he is. you can tell that he really puts a lot of thought into life. This is really good and I'm defiantly keeping up with it.

This looks really awesome! I love how you've mixed in the fantasy elements, like the magic and the different interbreeding speices, and I espessially like how you haven't just info-dumped us. I'm only on chapter three so far, but I'm really enjoying it, and the world you've create seems really interesting. (Again, you've woven little bits of infomation about it really well, and the chapters flow brilliantly.)

So, this is fantastic. I love the tone your writing gives the story: there's the perfect mix of description, exposition, and dialogue. I like the way you've added the little supernatural elements in along the way, like how matter-of-factly Arden mentions the races they have. I also like the names, as everyone else mentioned. They're really unique, but not necessarily made-up sounding. I love this; good job :)

In all honesty, I'm usually not one for fantasy tales. For some reason they always come off as cliche or poorly written, in my opinion. However, I am quite glad that this was recommended to me for the comment swap! It's very rare that a story such as this can hold my attention.

I really enjoy your character name, first of all. Arden. It's perfect for this bracket of time you are trying to capture. The archery aspect of is is also very well written. Dallav is a fantastic name, as well. So far, your plot is quite interesting and I cannot wait to see what happens next.

I think my favorite section in here is when you write, I'm not sure how I feel about the fact that I killed the creature that provided it. The elders say I should feel nothing. They say I need to be a man who doesn't let his remorse get in the way of his emotions. That sentiment really got me, for some reason. Well done!

So, I'm commenting on this for Mibba's comment swap thing. Magic's never really been my thing - my apologies - but I do think this story has plenty of promise and that it's going in a very nice direction. The layout is pretty simple and sweet, which is pretty good because one isn't distracted by crazy colors or whatever and can actually focus on the story. I hope you keep writing because it seems pretty cool. c:

As I type this, I am reading your first chapter. I was immediately captured by your banner. I'm a Sagittarius, and I love bow and arrow usage! I love your name choices. They're very original and unique. I've noticed people tend to use common names. Yours are not. So props!
I also love how original the story is. I am impressed! And I have subscribed!
This seems very mysterious and with a lot of back story. I like it. Please keep writing!

I like the sort of...mystical air it has to it.
the layout really adds to it because it's sort of a forest green.
I like the idea even though I'm not usual into "mystical worlds" or things from the past or images of the future but I did actually, surprisingly enjoy myself when I was reading this!

I really like your summary. c:
It reminded me of The Hunger Games at first, which instantly made me more interested, haha. Mentions of 'the elders' and the war make me want to keep reading to find out more about them. Excellent piece, dear.

The summary was great. It really pulled me in and made me want to read the story. And man, was I glad I chose to read the story. This is probably one of the most interesting story lines I've read on Mibba and I am hooked on wanting to find out who Listania is. I just started chapter four and I was surely be reading on. I feel like I'm reading a real, physical book, like this is a piece of published work. That's how amazing I feel this story is. I can't wait to find out what happens and I am subscribing. You're a fantastic writer and this is a fantastic read :)

I love your summary, it’s seriously awesome and makes me want to read and find out what happens. The first chapter is great, it gives just enough information to make me want to read on. I really like Arden and the way you talk about them shooting arrows. It’s really very nicely written. After chapter two I’m hooked. This is very interesting and the characters capture my attention. I can’t wait to find out about the girl. :) The way this story is written is just awesome. I don't normally like fantasy, but it's just so good that I can't help but like it. Definitely subscribing.

You have some real talent for writing! I found this story really interesting, and it is beyond amazing. I have found a few grammar mistakes such as "He objected, but it was what he wanted and in the end she had to go along with in the end, " I'm think you meant She objected. If I'm wrong, you should just ignore me then. The story is very intriguing, and I can't wait for the next chapter.