Shadow in Time - Comments

*APPLAUSE*
This gave me chills. I loved this. I think you hit Death right on the head. This is both haunting and eerie and yet, at the same time, I feel sorry for Death.
I love how you wrote Death; I just love everything about this. His/Her hate of the color black. His/Her need and want for love and companionship. His/Her despise at taking the life of a child.
You, my friend, are truly a gifted story teller. I bow to you. This was perfect.

I was a bit skeptical when they suggested this too me. I'm not a whole fan about the grim reaper I was not to into this a whole much. At first that is. I guess it was your way of writing that drew me in. It was refreshing to get something different for once. I just wish your chapters were a little longer and weren't so vague but over all. I really enjoyed it.

Wow. All I could say is wow haha. I’m really impressed with what you have here. I’ve never read anything like it. First of all, you did a really great job with the layout. It fits the story and definitely gives off the mood and feeling of darkness. The summary is great. It doesn’t give too much away and holds a perfect amount of mystery. The first chapter was amazing. I really liked how you described his job and the way you ended the first chapter. It was beautifully written and I enjoyed reading it. The second chapter really caught my attention. Someone who kills people for a living wants to be cloacked in colors and feel loved? Bizarre.

The way you have tackled this is amazing and I’m so happy I’ve gotten a chance to read it. It’s so unique and exceptional. I love your style of writing and how you described Death’s feelings. The last chapter was great. I felt like he was talking directly to me. This sentence particulary scared the beeswax out of me: “But don’t forget dear human that we will meet face to face someday soon.” I’m reading this in the dark so that’s probably why my eyes widen a bit when I read that haha.

Great work! I really enjoyed reading it.

I really like the idea of this story and the way you write. The persona of Death is good and interesting as well as creative. I'm kind of wondering when the plot is going to start though because the chapters I've read just seems like a beginning to something great. Good job!

Well I really like this. I do!

The grim reaper takes hating your job to a whole new level. I thought my job sucked. But it's nothing compared to killing thousands of people every day! I love the perspective on this. It made me think.

I think you could probably take out the part about yoga pants. It seems random and unnecessary, and not exactly something Death would care to talk about. I also don't think he would say something like, "I felt like the biggest creeper," because that's something a teen would say, and Death is as old as time itself.

I never thought that Death would long to be human. I never thought of Death as anything remotely human, but you gave him human characteristics. I liked the ending, because you engaged the reader directly and it was kind of like, oh shit, I'm gonna die some day whether I want to or not. This was very interesting to read for me, and I'm so glad you entered it in my contest!

The header picture is what really drew me into the story summary. The rest of the layout could really use some work. As for the story it was completely interesting. It is a wonderful new take on what most people just ignore. I can't wait to come back and read more!

I really liked the picture you had in the summary. I can see where you got the inspiration.
However, as a whole, I wasn't really fond of the layout. The picture in the back was overall extremely distracting and I don't think it really did the layout justice.
(As a side note, if you like, I can fix you one with the picture in the background.)

Your first chapter was enthralling. I adore how you described death. Death; in a way, it seems a lot like the Death off of Supernatural. Not sure if you've seen that show, but the Death, and reapers, of the show are a lot like the Death you've created here. Which is awesome because that's my favorite show and it adds a level of awesome.

When I find time, I will most definitely come back and read the rest of this story. :)

Woah, I'm more of a 'pretty layout' sort of person myself but your story's layout is awesome. I just found it really cool that you had a picture at the top and kind of an eerie and creepy banner, it just looks super wicked :3 From the sound of the summary, it sounds as if it's narrated from Death's point of view and I've always found that view really interesting, and your summary just sends creepy vibes tingling down my back!

You weave in sophisticated words in a clever way that it doesn't astound the reader but rather it adds to the story and right off the bat, we get an impression of what Death is like, Death comes off as rather full of himself and cocky, knowing he has the power to take anyone's life any second. He comes across as a little psychotic and it's clear that he's quite a morbid sort of thing with a very dark sense of humour - but hey, what do you expect from Death? xD This was really good from what I've read so far, and it feels as if I'm one of his future victims that he's going to end the life of and I'm just some poor reader waiting for the inevitable xD

Great job and keep writing, you have a very fluid writing style that translates easily into words <3

Oooh, creepy. ;)

Lol, the picture scared the life outta me! Anyway, onto the story. This is like a crazy Death Note. Omg, first of all, the dude scares me. I think people call him Death or something. yes, scares me very much. But for some reason i was drawn to this.

This was my favorite line: how can you vanquish something as old as time itself? It sounded so crazy. I mean, this dude is like a serial killer that can never be caught. O.O Crazy story browski. I like it though. I'll subscribe.

First of all, I must say than the picture you used as a banner drew me into the story immediately. Something about pictures like that-ones where the main character is clear and the rest of the world is a blur-really say something to me about their personality or life experiences. It usually means that they feel rushed, lost, or like life is passing them by. The fact that the main character is a personification of death only makes this idea more interesting.

Chapter One: great intro for this story, though I feel like it could have been longer. To each his own, but I am the type of reader that has trouble reading shorter chaptered stories. I love how death talks as if it’s the top dog. Speaks of itself in an authoritative way. It is almost as if the purpose is to make the reader leery of death, and to get the point across that we cannot control our fate.

“…how can you vanquish something as old as time itself?”

Good question.

Chapter Two: This chapter was beautiful in an extremely eerie kind of way. I could just picture the light leaving all those different colors from eyes, in a whirl of lost hopes.

“If there is nothing that I hate more than the misconceptions that people have developed about me, it’s seeing the light leave someone’s eyes. Blue, green, brown, hazel, or artificially colored, all eyes lose their luster all the same. Forgive me for my morbid sense of humor, but I have likened to calling myself “the electrician that no one wants to call”. I feel that it’s very fitting, like those yoga pants that teenage girls always seem to wear. It might just be my preternatural ignorance speaking hear, but why wear them if you’re not doing yoga? Keeping in touch with my inner electrician, I flick the switch that turns out the lights of all humans who have existed, that currently exist, or that will exist.”

This, my dear, was my favorite paragraph. Very well written, descriptive, nice similes and metaphors, and overall all of the imagery needed to make a great paragraph. Kudos. The last paragraph was awesome as well. You make eyes seem like a significant symbol in this story.

Chapter Three: This is the chapter where it really becomes evident that death, the ultimate burden in our society, has its own burdens to bear. It’s an abstract thought, that’s for sure. I can’t imagine being responsible for taking the life of anyone, let alone someone with a wife or children. It was sad, because they were asleep and unsuspecting. Death almost seems regretful that it’s victims aren’t more aware that they are not invincible. Death is beginning to fight with itself.

Chapter Four: “Claiming the lives of young children is the most horrific experience for me, but when their tiny clock has stopped ticking, I have no choice but to act. In my world, I have no free will. You could say that you don’t have any free will either. Doesn’t that just warm your heart?”

Death seems almost comically cynical. For most of this chapter it feels like this Death character is mocking me, as the reader. It’s almost as if I could be one of the future victims, reading about some unexplained tragedy and not thinking about the fact that Death may be hinting to me, asking me to be more aware of my surroundings.

Great job so far! I love the word choice, the tone and the plot. Make sure to be using commas where they are needed. That’s really the only grammatical error I found.

More? :D

So, I like the layout because it's nice and readable, and that's all I care about :3 As for the actual story, I love how you've begun to characterize Death. I love how, with each chapter, he/she becomes such a round character, with feelings and a personality. It's a great piece of character developement, and I'm jealous that you seem to do it so easily(: On the otherhand, even after four chapters, there seems to be no plot. I'm sure that was your intent, but at points it grew a little dull.

All in all, you have an amazing talent for writing, and I'm super jealous(:

First off, thank you for not blinding my poor eyes :D

Now, the first chapter is pretty thrilling. Like, Death is a total badass haha. Think you can outsmart my old ass? I think not ;) There was one thing that I noticed:

These past millennia have made me impatient and unforgiving towards human ignorance.

These should be this.

Onto chapter twoo. I like this chapter a little, like getting a feel for Death is kind of making him less creepy. I know, weird but the way you're portraying him makes him kind of sound like a kitten. Like there's nothing he'd rather do than just go lay out in the cool grass and watch clouds pass by.

The ending to this was quite eerie. Thanks for reminding me that someday soon or later, I will die. I don't want to die damn it! Anyway, I think that maybe adding a chapter where he actually takes a person's life would make this story much more interesting.

It was well written though and pretty original I must say. (: