A Life Never Lived - Comments

This was so beautiful that I am literally almost at a loss for words. I am very happy that I got the chance to read it. I love how you made Alana's character. At first, she reminded me of Rachel from Columbine for some odd reason. I really admire her, though. I saw no mistakes and the flow of your writing is almost god sent. I find this so easy to read, and I plan on reading much more of your work. Amazing job!

Wow that was really powerful!

I really loved this story and I agree with you about the abortion. When I read the twist at the end, I teared up a little. ^_^

Grammar: No mistakes that I could find, or that damaged the story. It looked very polished and proofread.

Plot: I really enjoyed how you structured the story in sequences of Alan’s life, but sometimes the story read like a summary, rather than the actual story. I think you’re trying to say too much. For example, the second chapter. Josh finding matt’s weed- important. Matt going to rehab- important. Matt and Alana getting married- important. All the filler you have in between could be nixed, and you could flesh out those important scenes, that really center around your theme and emphasize your message.

The world war three part is very odd to me, and seems unconnected with the rest of the story. It’s also jarring to go from that far into the future, back to the early years of their marriage. I think a sequential order for this story really works the best, like you have early on.

Characterization: There is a lot of shifting between characters, and because of that we don’t get a clear picture of any of them. We start with Alana, shift to Jackson, Shift to Diana. I like the concept of this story, because it’s primarily a conceptual thought, but your characterization does suffer. I would avoid losing Alana in your descriptions of the other’s lives. Try to keep her as involved as you can; she is who is important to the story primarily.

Details: Some of the details, like the bullying and her parental relationship come off as very stereotypical. I would find something unique, something to make this character and her life stand out to your readers.

Other: The first three paragraphs are all very similar in structure, and bog down the introduction with a lot of back story. I would start with the action, about coming to school in a bad mood, and work the other details in smoothly throughout.

I really enjoy the twist at the end, but I think you should leave subtle hints throughout the whole story, to guide your reader to that “ah ha” moment. I would also suggest not going through the lives of each character and summarizing their entire life. It’s too dense, and not engaging to the reader. The twist you create, and the fact that not of this ever happened already has a huge impact on the reader, you don’t want to take away from that.

that was so moving. omg i'm like crying! that was soo good. you're such an amazing writer! this was a very good idea. i agree, about abortion.