Night World - Comments

This is such an excellent story! I absolutely love your portrayal of Damon! He seems so realistic and he acts exactly like he does in the books and TV show, which is great. I love that you stayed true to his character! I really like the prologue and the way you use it to set up Wormwood. It gets the feeling of the town in the head early on, which is great! And I love how secretive everything is in the first chapter. It’s just all so intriguing, and it really makes me want to keep reading. Nobody will tell Charlotte anything! I also really love the way you mix dialogue and description together. It works really well!

I’ll start this off by saying I know nothing about Vampire Diaries, so this is coming strictly as a literary critique, not from the fandom!
Prolouge

I think this gives your readers a good footing to navigate your story world, though it is a little heavy and a lot to take in. One thing I would like is more specific details, rather than abstractions. For example, instead of saying “one type of farming animal” or “one type of weaponry,” give us an example with imagery.

The ending description of Miss Wormwood is great, and makes her sound like a very alluring and exciting character.

The Woman

“The darkness of the receding night cloaked everything in a sinister darkness as the smell of approaching dawn wafted through the cool, crisp air. “

Wow, talk about an opening line! I love it, aside from using the word “darkness” twice. Maybe try blackness/void/abyss to add some variety.

You do a great job of establishing setting in this chapter, by mentioning little things like the position of the wardrobe in Charlotte’s room.

I will say I don’t like the changes in perspective. They come across as very abrupt and give the story a disjointed flow, and the timelines in each perspective don’t align, so it’s very confusing. (ie, Charlotte is just waking up, but Damon is under a full moon.) And then, there are also breaks in the story where the perspective doesn’t shift at all, it’s just a gap. I think it would be better to devote a chapter to each perspective, rather than switching back and forth in the midst of one chapter.

The end of this chapter is artfully done, because you create such a contrast between the happy mood when they plan on training, and the very dismal mood by the end when the vampire attack victim has been discovered.

The Gate
You have a historical interjection in the middle of this chapter, about the Crimson Creek. It breaks away from the narrative voice of the rest of the chapter, and seems kind of odd. It’s necessary information, but it would sound better if it was worked into Charlotte’s narrative somehow (maybe her dad finally gives a little on how much he shelters her), because as it is now, it’s an information dump.

“Oranges and purples slowly began to overtake the sky as the sun began it's descent of the earth. Charlotte watched from one of the windows in the built in library as the celestial body turned a dark golden shade, dancing with a darkening cloud. She had always preferred sunset to sunrise. It was an indefeasible end, the previous day to never happen again. She longed for the future and hated looking into the past. There was nothing to do to go back, so why dwell inside of it, she often thought.”

I adore this paragraph, not just because it’s very well written, but because it gives a very subtle characterization of Charlotte, all while watching a sunset.

When the story is filtered through Charlotte’s perspective, I think it would sound better to refer to Amelia as “her mother”, because it sounds a bit awkward using a name, when they have a personal, family relationship.

In your author’s note, you commented on damon loving Charlotte, and I just wanted to say I didn’t get that feeling. I got that he has some sort of almost primal urge to be near her, it was aggressive in a way, but I think you did a good job of distinguishing that from love.

The Party

I like that you kept Charlotte’s mood from the last chapter, angry and kind of jaded, consistent in this chapter. Though, I think her anger about the proposal is a little understated, especially the betrayal from her mother. I was expecting more confrontation and stronger emotions, not just “I don’t like being lied to.”

The end of this chapter is very choppy; there is a division after just one paragraph and it jumps to another perspective. As a reader, that makes it difficult to get into the flow of the story.
It’s so tragic that Gregory is such a nice guy, because Charlottee is not interested. It creates a lot of dramatic irony, and it’s very engaging to read about.

Typos/Grammatical Fixes

“But on the inside, Wormwood was the perfect little fort. A barrier, set up by the aforementioned witches, kept out all supernatural beings. “
that kept out…
“Some say this a fictional tale made up to scare the children. “
This is a
“She stilled had that innocence that only a five year old could have.”
still had
“The tears had subsided after a few long moments, her throat soar and her body spent”
sore, not soar

Firstly, the layout is beautiful! The banner is really cool, and from the summary, I cn tell I'm going to like this. A lot.

The first chapter is a really good introduction, and gives a good bacground without being too boring. However, I think that it would be the Sparks and the Hales, rather than the Sparks' and the Hale's.

The second chapter has some beautifully written pieces in it. Although town's people should be townspeople, and as she opened her them once more doesn't quite read right. But there really is some beautiful writing in this chapter, and I'm already hooked.

I absolutely love the little scene you have where Charlotte and her father arguing. I just think you've written such a simple thing really well, and it really does work. Again in chapter four, it should be townspeople, and breath taking is all one word.

All in all, apart from a select few spelling.grammar errors, this is a very good story, with an interesting plot and some beautiful sections of writing. Keep it up, it's nice to see some good Vampire Diaries fanfiction! :)

I love it! How haven't I seen this before?!<3

Wonderful <3

Really good!
I love it!

OHHHHHHHmigod....i read the description and I can TELL this is gonna be good! <3