I actually like this one-shot less than the other one and it's for a very specific reason, actually. I read this and it seemed rushed and when I first started reading, I wasn't quite sure where it was going. I feel like this could become something good, but as it stands I currently feel like you took several instances from a much larger piece, like a full length story and then pressed them together to fit into one day within a one-shot. The emotions are just all over the place and one of the instances seems like it's located somewhere other than where you're claiming.
They start out with a goofy wake-up and then she's annoyed about her knees. They then go to a mall that seems and feels more like a bar and she's attacked by some random creeper. Jimmy rescues her and then they go back home and watch a Disney movie. She falls asleep and she then is in pain and then Jimmy kisses her before getting upset. Then they agree to go on a date and the one-shot ends.
I just feel like you have three partially constructed one-shots here at the very least. I really do want to love this, but I just feel like it's way too dense and not detailed enough to fully explore the storyline you put together here.
December 28th, 2011 at 12:42am
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They start out with a goofy wake-up and then she's annoyed about her knees. They then go to a mall that seems and feels more like a bar and she's attacked by some random creeper. Jimmy rescues her and then they go back home and watch a Disney movie. She falls asleep and she then is in pain and then Jimmy kisses her before getting upset. Then they agree to go on a date and the one-shot ends.
I just feel like you have three partially constructed one-shots here at the very least. I really do want to love this, but I just feel like it's way too dense and not detailed enough to fully explore the storyline you put together here.