Right off I'm a little confused, is it a time/scene shift after the bolded section?
Instead of using 'was' in "Right. Yes, the cars. I did notice there was more cares than last time." Use were. Was is usually singular. There are multiple cars therefore use "were."
Okay, you're definitely going to need something to separate when you jump from one time frame/scene to another. That's going to throw some if not most people for a loop, prelude it with stars or something. It'll help your reader out.
You really need capitalization when you start a sentence, even if it is just speaking--someone very well may report you for that so I'd fix it ASAP. Sorry if I'm coming off rude, I'm just really trying to help you so your story doesn't get pulled.
*Definitely, I think that was the word you meant to use instead of "Defiantly amazing."
Okay, she's changing schools, personalities, looks, everything, leaving her boyfriend behind. Wait, wasn't she living with him for a while? Then why was she packing her stuff in an apartment? I don't quite follow what's going on; was she running from him because of something he did, or just because of her parents? I'm sure you'll answer these questions as the story goes on, or was this a one shot? Ohh, crap. I just realized this is a sequel. Haha, my apologies. Just a warning what you may encounter from the other comment swap readers.
Instead of using 'was' in "Right. Yes, the cars. I did notice there was more cares than last time." Use were. Was is usually singular. There are multiple cars therefore use "were."
Okay, you're definitely going to need something to separate when you jump from one time frame/scene to another. That's going to throw some if not most people for a loop, prelude it with stars or something. It'll help your reader out.
You really need capitalization when you start a sentence, even if it is just speaking--someone very well may report you for that so I'd fix it ASAP. Sorry if I'm coming off rude, I'm just really trying to help you so your story doesn't get pulled.
*Definitely, I think that was the word you meant to use instead of "Defiantly amazing."
Okay, she's changing schools, personalities, looks, everything, leaving her boyfriend behind. Wait, wasn't she living with him for a while? Then why was she packing her stuff in an apartment? I don't quite follow what's going on; was she running from him because of something he did, or just because of her parents? I'm sure you'll answer these questions as the story goes on, or was this a one shot? Ohh, crap. I just realized this is a sequel. Haha, my apologies. Just a warning what you may encounter from the other comment swap readers.
Good luck with this though!