Incarnate - Comments

This comment is from comment swap.

Hi there,

I really enjoy the tone of voice you write this in. Like most of the other commenters, I believe it has a lot of potential. I don't want to make my comment repetitive so I will reiterate it briefly: Make the story line a little more clear and spend some time editing it a little bit.

Don't let these comments discourage you though. The story is interesting and very intriguing and you should continue to work on it. I would suggest requesting a Beta in the forum under writing tips. I did this and it helped me with grammar and spelling for my stories. I learned a lot from it.

I hope this comment is deemed helpful to you and if you would like me to help you edit it more closely, I would love to. Send me a message if you want :) :)

Happy Writing!

Hello,
This story has definintely got a good hook. I know that there is something good here. It's just that it is really hard to read. The errors make me think of them instead of what this story is about. I know just by being a writer what you are trying to say. AND if the words were written correctly this story will be great.
:) Xovalizbel
P.S. I know backgrounds and pictures have nothing to do with the quality of the story. HOWEVER, if you put a picture that's not pixalted and more of an interesting background, your story will be more pleasing to "the eyes".

This comment is from the comment swap. (:

Your story is actually very confusing to me, I honestly have no idea what's happening in it at all but it's actually kind of interesting to me. I actually think I may subscribe to your story because it does interest me. The one thing I want to point out however is that your story does have a lot of small errors in it. If you're not reading over your chapters before you post them, I would recommend beginning to do that because the errors are just small ones that could be caught through proofreading. You could also find a beta reader if you'd be interested in that type of thing. There was one particular thing that stood out to me and it was in Chapter One. It was this...

Ari lazily raised her hand. "What class is this anyway? We didn't get a timetable yet."

"Alice, right?" the teacher asked before answering. The girl nodded. "Well, to be honest, all of them," the teacher replied as if it were no big deal, "Except for your life role classes, those will be handled by another teacher."
What really is this character's name? Twice, you call her Ari but from this paragraph on, you address her as Alice. It's really very confusing and kind of put me off the story for a while to see because it seems so inconsistent. I'm just a little confused as to why she's addressed as Ari but later has her name changed to Alice it seems. Was it a typo to call her Alice or is one of them like a nickname for her?

I was a bit confused with the characters as well. There's just a lot of characters thrown out at the readers in the first two chapters so it makes it a little hard to process when there are so many new characters at once. I'm also a little curious as to where this story is set. I was getting the idea it was set in Japan but then I started coming across more and more English-sounding names which confused me as to where the story's location is. It just seems a little weird for a story to be set in Japan but for so many characters to have English-sounding/speaking names.

Overall, it is a good story. All I would recommend is being more careful with which names you are giving your characters, be a little more consistent with them, and remember to proofread your chapters for errors. It was a good read and I will think about subscribing to your story because it does have me interested. Nicely done on it. (:

I think the simplicity of your writing style is admirable. Not too much, not too less, if that makes sense. I love that your text is just the right size too, since there are some readers that really struggle with overly small fonts. The details are also very easy to follow and consists of enough words to paint a rough picture of what's happening. Your dialogues are also pretty powerful, which I think adds as an asset to your novelette.

The story line intrigues me a little, and I hope you keep going with this story, since I'm a little curious about this. This is for the comment swap, by the way. Sorry for taking months to comment.

I realize that there are a couple of grammatical errors, but other than that, your story should be easily polished up. Great job, love. I hope you continue this story.

Interesting.
One thing, your banner on the top got chopped in a way you cant see the full title. not sure if you realized.
Otherwise i like the layout, its simple and easy to read.
The prolog was vague enough to peak the readers interest and make them continue to move on tot he next chapter to figure it out, good job.
I hope you continue!

This seems really interesting, but honestly, I have no idea what's going on. Maybe you could explain better, or it will be explained later on? Either way, the story definitely peaks my interest and it's very unique.

This its such an interesting concept. I've never read anything quite like it before. Your characters seem to be their own persons, which its good. I also really like the banner and layout. There are a few grammar errors here and there, but over all, nothing serious. You've got an interesting plot here; keep it up. (:

I think it's a very interesting concept you've got here and it's really good, sometimes it gets a little vague and confusing but it doesn't take away from the story overall. It's really good, well done.

The summary is good, it definitely got my attention I also like the layout, you need to fix the picture though, because the title is being cut off. This is a good story though, it's really unusual and very inventive. I really enjoyed reading it, well done!

I really like how the summary is a quote. I always love things like that. The first line in the prologue is also dialogue, which is a good way to start off in my opinion.

I feel like you could put a divider or something before months passed just so you can show the the prologue is divided by time and the other team, you know? Just a suggestion.

The idea of these signals and why the people are searching for them is a great way to start a story. I think you have a really strong and interesting hook here. Great job.

This story is definitely interesting. I like the concept. I gets me intrigued. I like that the summary is a quote and I think it definitely does a good job of representing the story. I'll have to agree with darkfallenangel about the picture in your layout. It's a little distracting right now because of the pixelation and cutting off of the title. Other than that, I think your writing is good and interesting. I wish you the best of luck with the rest of your story!

Layout is nice, though maybe the picture should be done differently, so it's not so pixelated and the word (I'm assuming that's meant to be the title?) actually shows completely.

Interesting prologue. I think it's a good introduction, and sets the readers' minds to start thinking about the "signals" and powers and why they need to be found, etc, which is good since it will encourage them to continue reading.

Didn't spot any mistakes with grammar or spelling, so good job on that. Overall, great start to an original story :)

I enjoyed reading this, although it may just be me. But, I'm a tad bit confused about whats going on. But, I assume I will figure it out later after I subscribed. You write in a very bubbly way that keeps me on edge to reading it. Cliffhangers, I absolutely hate because I'm such a curious person and I normally end up ruining it for me when I read books but since I can't do that for your story. Keep writing!

I like it so far! The story has a great opening and the words flow smoothly. It seems like a unique plot and I’m curious as to what’s going to happen next! Very well done, you have a talented way of writing, and I look forward to reading more!

There is one thing that I really must admit: you have this wonderful way of writing cliffhangers that make me want to keep reading. I love it. Your characters are so contrasting, that it gives this story a sense of balance, and I kind of have to say that my favorite so far is Lola Swayze. I like how she still sort of wants to hear what Mary-Lynn has to say, even if it's mostly a boy-who-cried-wolf sort of thing. Anyway, I think this story is great; everything you've written so far will be tied together, I'm sure, in the future, right? Hope to read more soon!

I definitely love your banner. It's very pretty. And your summary just makes me want to click the first chapter as fast as I could.

The first chapter is amazing. It really sparks an interest in me. I don't usually read stories about superpowers or fantasy but so far, this is good.

"The first day of school isn't really a school day though! It's a day for making a statement that'll follow you through the rest of the school year, maybe even beyond!"

I just had to smile reading that. I imagine Hana to be a really cute and hyper girl. She reminds me a lot of my friend.

This story is definitely interesting. There are just so much unanswered questions and it drives the readers more and more into the story. You're good with hooking the readers to your story.

I like your characterization and you describe everyone nicely. The story has a nice flow. There are a few mistakes here and there but nothing too obvious.

Other than that, this is a good story. ^_^ Keep writing.

I really like how you started the story, giving us a different POV, and really hooking in the reader! It makes us curious to what a hit means and where it could lead from there. Then, the cliffhanger in Chapter 3 is also really great, and sets up the story nicely! Keep up the good work! (:

I love how your writing flows. (:
Keep it up!
The banner is beautiful!
Update soon!

Ooo, interesting. The teacher and Carlton are up to something. I can't imagine how boring it would be to be stuck in a supply closet for an hour. I would probably be the student to go out and mess the whole hiding deal up. >.<

"you learn a lot about a person a person when"
^You repeated yourself in this sentence. =)
There were a few other mistakes, but nothing to major. =)

Lovely update! <3 Can't wait for more ^_^ <3