July 20th, 2014 at 08:55am
Hello,
This story has definintely got a good hook. I know that there is something good here. It's just that it is really hard to read. The errors make me think of them instead of what this story is about. I know just by being a writer what you are trying to say. AND if the words were written correctly this story will be great.
:) Xovalizbel
P.S. I know backgrounds and pictures have nothing to do with the quality of the story. HOWEVER, if you put a picture that's not pixalted and more of an interesting background, your story will be more pleasing to "the eyes".
Hi there,
I really enjoy the tone of voice you write this in. Like most of the other commenters, I believe it has a lot of potential. I don't want to make my comment repetitive so I will reiterate it briefly: Make the story line a little more clear and spend some time editing it a little bit.
Don't let these comments discourage you though. The story is interesting and very intriguing and you should continue to work on it. I would suggest requesting a Beta in the forum under writing tips. I did this and it helped me with grammar and spelling for my stories. I learned a lot from it.
I hope this comment is deemed helpful to you and if you would like me to help you edit it more closely, I would love to. Send me a message if you want :) :)
Happy Writing!