Incarnate - Comments

Random beeping thing up against people's foreheads, always fun...

I lie this, your a very good writer, the way you write is intresting and unique, I like how you start it with her just starring at the computer and then BAM the hit happens! It was a very good story to read, it really flowed and everything, the layout and banner is also very beautiful making the story stand out more. (:

It's actually a fine story :)
You just forget to capitalize some of the words.

This is so awesome! At the beginning, it was so serious but as you worked your way into the second chapter, it became less serious. I love the layout and the banner. From what I saw, there were no grammar mistakes and it seems like a well put together story. Now, what I want to know is... WHY WAS THERE A LOCKDOWN?! I really want to know why!

This story was awesome! I've subscribed. You have a very good and original writing style. The beginning was kind of intense and almost made me think of the movie "the Covenant" but then I read on and noticed that it's nothing like it. Might even turn out to be better. I enjoyed the characters. From what I got from them, they'll be good, well put together characters. As for storyline, great! I loved the end of chapter one. PLEASE CONTINUE! I want to read on. I want to know why there was a lockdown! The teacher knows something!

First off, I like the layout. The colors are nice, and i have a feeling the meaning of the banner will become more apparent as the story goes on. In the first chapter, I kind of was lost on what was going on, but I suppose that will go away when I read the next one. XD I was stuck wondering why they were looking for the girls, and what was so special about them. So far, I read a good introduction to a story that definitely has potential. Oh, and I saw no grammar/spelling mistakes, which is also good. I will be sure to keep on eye on this! :)

Okay, so two things struck me as slightly off before I started reading this. Firstly, on your 'Stories' page, the story description is this:

"I don't nderstand, why do we protect ourselves from something we should be protecting ourselves with?"

Just a small typo there, with the missing 'u' in 'understand'.

Secondly, I wonder why your banner says 'Incarnant'? Is that intentional? Another language, perhaps? I'm not exactly faulting it, but I just wanted to bring both of these things to your attention, because together they form the first impression that people will get of your story. You want to think about whether they're consistent, and whether they cause any confusion that you'll need to solve in your chapters.

Now, onto the summary page. I think your layout colours are attractive (although I'm not sure yet to what extent they really represent the story), and the banner is very nice, minus the issue with the wording. It's a bit unusual that everything is squashed up on the left-hand side, but that's not necessarily bad. I also like what you've written here. Using a quote is pretty effective, as it gives us both some character insight and a hook at the same time. I find a lot of summaries on thist site to be fairly drab, or worse, far too direct, but this one is nice. The only thing I'd really change about it is this bit:

We've been given these amazing... powers, yes, powers!

As it is, I think this line is a bit rushed. Maybe you could slow it down, like- 'We've been given these amazing... powers. Yes, powers!'

Otherwise, though, nice opening!

In terms of your actual chapters, of which there are only two currently, I have to admit that I really like what I'm seeing. You seem to have put some real thought into how things work logistically in your world. Although I'm still guessing at this stage about what everything means, I appreciate the details, especially in the prologue. They lend this some realism, and a genuine weight and maturity that a lot of Mibba writing doesn't have. I can already tell that your concept is going to be nicely fleshed out. I also like the way your dialogue scenes don't progress too quickly- you're giving us enough information about what the characters are doing as well as saying, and that's important.

I didn't really find any errors in this, so I'm also going to go ahead and congratulate you on being polished. Overall, I think this story will be good, and I wish you the best of luck with writing it!

Whoa! A lockdown on the very first day of school? That's just epic >.<
Aha, and why did the red-head say, "Narnia?" He seems to be a cool nerd-y type XD

Well, I still want another update, missy! <3 Don't just leave me hanging here! <3

I love, love, LOVE the picture. It's beautiful and has an air of mystery about it that makes me very interested in who the girl is. The summary is well written as well--I love that it is in dialogue =)

As for the prologue, GIRL YOU CAN NOT LEAVE IT THERE! One word: cruel! Ah, I don't want to know what's going on, I need to know. Yup, so, you have less than an hour to update! (Okay, I realize that that probably won't happen, but please to update VERY soon!)

<3