The Unknown - Comments

Hello, Hello! I was brought here by comment swap! Now I only read a couple chapters, but so far I think it's kind of interesting, probably not something I would usually read, but interesting none the less. Anyways there is an issue of grammar and some spelling here and there. I would encourage you to read everything out loud because I feel like that helps you catch any mistakes, also maybe have someone else read it as well just to get that extra help. I would also like to comment on your detail writing, I think you do a very good job at it, so props to you on that. Now the only other thing I can think of is that your intro is a little confusing and the ages don't really match up with how your writing these characters. Other then that good job so far and keep writing!

@ FallingThroughWorlds
Thank you for your comment and advice, I wrote this a while ago and my writing was a bit everywhere, thank you for helping me I will have a look at it and make some edits. I just liked the name Wren, I was thinking about birds and how free they are; they can just fly anywhere, anytime and that's kind of what I wanted to get at with Wren.

I do like your story. I think you've provided an interesting and intriguing first chapter. The glaring issue I do have is your usage of grammar. Like other people have said, you tend to use commas when other punctuation can be used. Wren is definitely an interesting name-one you don't hear often in stories; it's a pretty name. I wonder how did you come about the name? I'm curious to know where this goes :)

I do like your story. I think you've provided an interesting and intriguing first chapter. The glaring issue I do have is your usage of grammar. Like other people have said, you tend to use commas when other punctuation can be used. Wren is definitely an interesting name-one you don't hear often in stories; it's a pretty name. I wonder how did you come about the name? I'm curious to know where this goes :)

They gave me your story to read on the comment swap page but I see that it's kind of an older one since the rest of the comments are from two years ago. But all of that aside your plot is very nice. I would say that you would need to work on your spelling, punctuation (you use a lot of commas where you can put semi-colons and periods instead), grammar. Also the general sentence structure just so that it reads more clearly.

They gave me your story to read on the comment swap page but I see that it's kind of an older one since the rest of the comments are from two years ago. But all of that aside your plot is very nice. I would say that you would need to work on your spelling, punctuation (you use a lot of commas where you can put semi-colons and periods instead), grammar. Also the general sentence structure just so that it reads more clearly.

Finished the first chapter and I think you got a good story going here! Your description and detail are very good; I was able to feel the anticipation of the character and it made me that much more into the story. I love your expression about Mom's pregnant belly getting ready to "Pop" so cute!!. Keep up the good work and I will continue reading on.

You have a very good plot, but there are several grammatical and spelling errors. Common for early writers. I encourage you to go back and reread what you have done and edit that before writing more. Rewriting often times helps the plot and gives you encouragement to continue. I like the characters, there is a lot of room for character development which will also make you're plot stronger. :) I would also downscale some of the dialogue. Dialogue should not advance the plot your story telling should be. I enjoyed that you gave a cliche topic and plot twist, those always grab the attention of people.

I think you should definitely continue writing, if not this story than a new one. There is a lot of talent there and it would be a shame to let it go to waste. I also really liked the layout you chose for the story. Especially the picture as your header, it something that often times grabs readers attentions. I wish you all the luck with this story and your other stories. Don’t be discouraged if you’re not getting the feedback you want it will come in due time. Good luck from one Mibba user to the another! :)

(Comment Swap)
I only had enough time to read the first chapter, and it was a very nice, very cute story. The layout was simple, but that bright blue with the black text was a bit hard to read. I shall try my best to keep up with this story so I read more on it again later, but for now, I like it. :) Happy writing~

You have a very good plot, but there are several grammatical and spelling errors. Common for early writers. I encourage you to go back and reread what you have done and edit that before writing more. Rewriting often times helps the plot and gives you encouragement to continue. I like the characters, there is a lot of room for character development which will also make you're plot stronger. :) I would also downscale some of the dialogue. Dialogue should not advance the plot your story telling should be. I enjoyed that you gave a cliche topic and plot twist, those always grab the attention of people.

@ Maddi;
It's from a boys point of view like I keep saying, I haven't been writing much due to personal reasons but I will be working on this soon.

I think this story is a little bit cliche. I see lots of things (even in television shows and in movies) that have a girl whose parents are having a new baby, and she's not excited about it and she dreads having to take care of it and she's worried they'll love her less. I think you put a nice twist on it, but it wasn't enough to get me hooked.

There are lots of spelling and grammar errors, which people have told you about before, and it honestly put me off from reading the story. I couldn't really enjoy it as much because I was focusing only on the work that needed done.

I think you have some room to improve, but I also think that the talent is there, so I hope that you keep wrting.

comment swap:
As other have said, and I agree, the plot of the story itself is very good but the story lacks in spelling, grammar, punctuation ect. and needs to be worked on.

I agree with the others. The idea is really good, and same for the plot, but I'm confused. The spelling and grammar in some parts need help, and there's a slight information dump the beginning that makes it confusing.

I like the idea of the story. But as others stated, it needs a lot more work. It's not bad or anything, but words, commas and things like that makes everything confusing. The summary really confused me, even though I read it over twice. I couldn't get past the first chapter because I don't know what's going on.

Like it started strong, I understood it but when I came to you explaining the characters, that wasn't needed. You can if you want, but most of us leave a lot of the character description out because we tend to drone on them. This story has some potential though, I will say that.

i like this plot and this general idea, but it needs to be reworked. i don't know if you're going to just go into wren being different (which i'm assuming is schizophrenic based on your summary) or what, but i really think you should rework it and noooot do that. its very confusing and strange. i think you should take the past 9 chapters and squash them down into one slightly long chapter and then do what it seems like you're going to do. subscribed, though :)

I'm going to have to agree with Emma_Joe_Ford: there's a lot of run-on sentences and I think that's what makes this story a little confusing.

I like the plot though, I think after a re-working you could re-release it and it'd be great.

I'm going to be honest, because this needs a lot of work. You have numerous run-on sentences, which contain many ideas that have all been jumbled together. Because of this, readers will have a difficult time following the story - as I did. Your spelling seems to be fine, however your grammar could use some work. You put commas in the wrong places, which makes the word flow awkward. For instance, in your description for Jack:

"Jack an 16 year old who was quite tall for his age, light blonde hair curly, big blue eyes, long eye lashes, perfect face, tanned skin much like my own, he was slender and toned."

You had many misplaced words, too few commas, out of place thoughts, and repeated descriptions. I will show you how I would've written this description:

"Jack[,] who was quite tall for his age, [had] light[, curly] blonde hair, big[,] blue eyes, long eye lashes, *perfect face, tanned skin, and slender [structure]."

(*The term "perfect face" is a vague description. I wouldn't use it if I were you.)

If you go back to your sentence, I'd also like to point out that you described Jack's complexion twice. ("tanned" vs "toned")

In any case, I suggest that you read your work out loud. Whenever you notice a phrase that sounds awkward, change it.

Good luck;
-Joe

I have to admit, the way you write seems confusing. It's kind of hard to tell what's going on what with the run on sentences and the lack of commas. The story seems kind of rushed and the description the characters, despite being well, seem to be jumbled. And some of the paragraphs towards the end of the chapter seemed to be too close together. I suggest adding spaces between paragraphs, especially the dialogue. And try getting someone to look the story over for you. Other than that, good job.

This is a very interesting layout you have here, I haven't see anything like it on Mibba yet! Really neat. Although your summary confused me a little bit because of your word choice and grammar, I get the gist of this and I like how the girl/boy is not very old. Things are always interesting through a child's eyes.

You seem to have a repetitive problem of using run on sentences. For example: I however short, straight dark hair, dark eyes, tall but not as tall as Jack, slender, not as toned but yes I liked to work out – I of course gave up a lot easier than Jack.

A better way to write that would have been: I, however, was short with straight dark hair and brown eyes. I was what some people could have considered tall, but I was nowhere near being as tall as Jack.

I would just clip out the whole part about being toned and "yes I liked to work out" because it doesn't sound like a story..it sounds like someone is narrating a movie in their head or talking to a person. Maybe you should have someone look over this for you? Just a suggestion. (: