Save Me. - Comments

I love this!! Update soon please!!
:D

I actually love this, it's made me discover my love for Liam. Please update soon :)

Loved it! Update soon!!! :)

Ohmygosh, the part in the beginning was hilarious. I think I talk in my sleep sometimes and I hope its nothing embarrassing like that lol. Also at the end when he just said 'you're beautiful' and you ended it there I died inside omg I need Lily's reaction!

Update soon!!!!!! I want to read this story more :)

I love it.

Even if I say a lot of stuff to describe your story, it's just like I said 'I love it'.

First of all, I'd like to start with the title. It's nice, and quick to the point. I'm guessing it's almost like a response to their song "Save You Tonight"? Anyways, the story layout's nice. Not too distracting, the colors go well with each other, and it's simple. Clean and clear, and under control - though this time, we're not quite talking about facial blemishes. In the summary, I think 'dog like' is supposed to be hyphenated, so it's 'dog-like'. But other than that, the summary was good. I like the lyric use (I'm guessing I was right about "Save You Tonight"?) at the beginning in the middle, the way it almost divides the story. It's fresh, I like it. I also enjoy the idea behind the summary; you don't tell us everything, only that something presumably big happened and that the main character was saved by Liam Payne. The metaphor usage was great, I really think that added to the quality of the summary rather than saying 'Liam Payne saved me from _______'. The summary has captured my interest, now, onto the chapters!

Chapter One
Corrections&Suggestions:
1. Fourth paragraph, first line, you have a typo. You wrote "...and Kat screamed at my to hold on." My should be me.
2. Fifth paragraph, first line, I'd suggest changing the word 'cause' to 'because'; though 'cause' is probably just as realistic, it also somewhat comes off as a bit elementary. You don't have to, it's a suggestion more than anything.

Comments:
I think it was clever to use the context of the first two sentences of your summary to start the story. It definitely saves the awkward beginnings or the beginnings people use to try to draw in the reader. I'm glad you didn't use the scenery and overloading it with sensory details to begin your story, plenty of writers and authors alike use that rudimentary beginning (me included) as a way to start the story. I also think it's interesting that what was originally perceived to be a metaphor is actually a literal event. Good job! You had me fooled there, but I have a feeling it'll come up as a metaphor later, won't it? I guess I'll have to wait and see. I love the characterization of her friends as 'cowardly'. The fact that you both showed and told the reader that the characters aren't too brave is a good thing. Especially the fact that they didn't even bother calling 911. Those are awful friends, and I'm already loving it. I'm glad that the main character called her friends out, it shows that she's got a backbone. Keep that. While you're at it, you might want to keep the determination as well. She's determined to find her savior, and I like that.

Chapter Two
Corrections&Suggestions:
1. First paragraph, second line, I believe the song title should be in quotes. Rather than having What Makes You Beautiful, I believe it should be "What Makes You Beautiful". It might also be a good idea to add the artist's name after, even though your main audience should have a clue as to who they are.
2. Eleventh paragraph, first line. You have "I know ma." It should be "I know, ma.
3. Fifteenth paragraph, first line. You've got Yes I should! I think it should be Yes, I should!
4. Sixteenth paragraph, line. You have In just a second my laptop... when it should be In just a second, my laptop...
5. Sixteenth paragraph, line. twitter should be written as Twitter, because it's a proper noun.
6. Sixteenth paragraph, third/fourth line. That last sentence reads a bit odd and has a disjointed flow. I think rewriting it alternatively as The picture in the magazine was basically showing my whole face. allows the sentence to flow smoothly.
7. Eighteenth paragraph, first/second/third lines. You've got ...grabbed some money from the door and I was.... There should be a comma after 'door', so it reads as ...grabbed some money from the door, and I was...
8. Nineteenth paragraph, first line. You don't have it spaced properly. Add an extra empty line before it, so it's not stuck to the paragraph before it. Or, you can add it to the paragraph above it, which may work better.
9. Twenty-third paragraph, first line. You've got I shouted slightly but it was... which is missing a comma. It should be I shouted slightly, but it was...

Comments:
Whoa. I wasn't sure how to react to her sudden bout of self-loathing, but I'll go with it. This girl must be a hardcore fan if she's crying over a band boy; then again, he did save her life and practically make a mockery of the situation without checking the facts, so I suppose I can understand where she's coming from. Oh, her name is Lily! I'm glad we find out her name now, it's going to be a lot easier to review this without calling Lily 'her' or 'the main character' all the time. I like the fact that we're seeing her interact with her mother. I see that her mom's a caring one, so good job with the character cues with this story. I can already get a feel as to how these characters are, and I appreciate that. The characters introduced thus far aren't enigmas for the wrong reason, so I applaud you for that. I enjoy the characterization of Lily being worried about the fans' insults. It shows a bit of vulnerability and insecurity - perfect for a teenage girl, assuming she's a teenage girl. I adore the fact that she's taking it to Twitter, which is typical teenage behavior. Leave it to social networking sites to determine the fate of a teenage girl. I like that she's appropriately reacting to the situation, it's refreshing to find a character like that. Oh god, those girls. THOSE GIRLS. I hate them so much. I hate teenage girls like that, and I'm glad Lily feels the same way. Ooh, Liam and the rest of One Direction make an appearance! Joyous. I'm psyched to see the next chapter.

Chapter Three
Corrections&Suggestions:
1. Fifth paragraph, first line. You can combine those two sentences together (and you missed two commas), because on their own, I'm fairly certain they're fragments, which is a major grammatical no-no. It should read as One minute, I was walking out the door to get some coffee; and the next, I was being pulled into the car with One Direction.
2. Eighteenth paragraph, first line. You're missing a comma. Rather than Shut up Louis..., it should be Shut up, Louis... Also, girls should be girl's. You're using it as a contraction for 'girl is', therefore, you need an apostrophe.
3. Twentieth paragraph, first line. It's either spaced wrong (meaning you need another empty line above it), or you should combine it with the paragraph above it.

Comments:
One thing you've really impressed me with is your descriptions. They're not overloaded, but they're not non-existent, either. It's the perfect balance, I really like that about your story. I'm rather undecided about how good/bad her luck is right about now. She gets to be with her favorite boyband, but everything else at the moment basically sucks. Hmm, that's a toughie. The boys are rather rowdy, aren't they?! I enjoy that, I feel like that's really 'in-character' per se (it's a bit hard to see what's in or out of character when it comes to real human beings that you've never met, so I do hope I'm on target with that). I laughed for a good minute at the last line, where her mother addressed Lily and Liam's 'relationship'. Typical mother, I'm really loving it. Good chapter! It was good.

Chapter Four
Corrections&Suggestions:
1. Third paragraph, first line. I would suggest turning the once in a while rude customers. into the once-in-a-while rude customers. It's more aesthetically pleasing and turns it into an adjective, which I believe was your objective.
2. Fourth paragraph, second line. You wrote ...my God, He had... which should be my God, he had.. since the capitalized 'He' in the middle of a sentence is usually reserved for God/the Lord/etc.
3. Eleventh paragraph, first line. Those two sentences should be combined, otherwise it would be a fragment error for the second one. It should be I was nearing the table when I saw exactly who was there; One Direction.
4. Twelfth paragraph, first/second line. The second sentence isn't flowing very well. I'd change it to When I'm not seeing them all over magazines or Twitter, they're at the same place as me. or, alternatively, When I'm not seeing them all over magazines or Twitter, they're where I am. I personally like the first one better, but they're both correct.
5. Thirteenth paragraph, first line. That first sentence just flows oddly to me, it's really off and should be corrected. I'd suggest changing it to Only once I was directly in front of them, did they notice me.
6. Eighteenth paragraph, first/second line. It should be ...I rushed away, trying to get... because you're missing a comma.
7. Eighteenth paragraph, second line. Rather than work, it should be worked. You're switching between past and present tense, which isn't a good thing and can prove to be a distraction. With that said, she'll should become she'd with the proper tense change.
8. Twentieth paragraph, first line. You have down shedevils, when it ought to be she-devil's or she-devils'. The first correction is if she's referring to one person, the second is if she's referring to more than one. I'm not entirely sure who she was referring to in that sentence, so you may want to clear that up.
9. Twenty-first paragraph, first line. You have fast walked, which I think should be changed to fast-walked.
10. Twenty-first paragraph, second line. You've got had to dodged which is incorrect, and should be had to dodge
11. Twenty-first paragraph, second line. It should be ..a few workers, but I... because you're missing a comma.
12. Twenty-third paragraph, first line. The words she devil should probably be she-devil.

Comments:
I like that we're getting more of an insight on Lily's normal life. She's a waitress, so that's good. I adore the fact that she can't get Liam off of her mind; typical teenage girl with a crush. It's very natural, and I like that the thought isn't coming out of nowhere, but rather, when she spots the bruise once again. It makes sense to me, and I like it. I'm also enjoying the elaboration you're giving on her job; it's not casual, it's a fancy restaurant. Do I smell a date spot later in the story? I believe I just might! I'm glad we see an elaboration between Kat and Jess' predicaments during the actual drowning incident, though if that's really what happened, it doesn't make sense to have Jess be the one hanging her head down in shame and Kat looking hurt in the first chapter. I think with that being said, you should probably switch that around, just because it simply doesn't make sense with all things considered. Goodness, she can't catch a break, can she? The boys' teasing was great, and if that doesn't drop a hint, I don't know what does. Something tells me that Liam disclosed some private information that has turned into something not-so private. Oh my god, I cannot believe how unprofessional Mina is being! Gross.

Chapter Five
Corrections&Suggestions:
1. Thirteenth paragraph, first/second line. You need an empty line before that paragraph.
2. Thirteenth paragraph, first/second line. You have down Louis said and I looked... when it should be, Louis said, and I looked...
3. Nineteenth paragraph, first line. You have kay down, you're missing the apostrophe. The apostrophe takes the place of a letter (or letters) that are omitted from a word, so it should be 'kay.
4. Forty-first paragraph, first line. You have Sorry Lily's mom! when it should be, Sorry, Lily's mom!

Comments:
Oh my god. Oh no she didn't. No, she didn't. Oh god, she did. Lily needs to calm her titties, Mina's got hers out and clearly that's becoming an issue real fast. Oh gosh, those boys. I'm literally face-palming right now. This isn't happening. Damn, this Mina girl needs to stop that. If my mother saw me doing that, I'd get one helluva whoopin'. If my dad saw me doing that, I'd be murdered. There is no way she's getting away with that. No. I'm glad she's interacting with Louis as normal, though. I'm also glad she's not giving Liam the time of day now. Maybe that's not intentional, but that's a good sign to me. I love the friendship between Jessica and Lily, it's really good. I can't believe Lily's helping Liam and the rest of them after that Mina incident. Then again, he saved her life twice, so she probably owes him and the rest of them big-time. I love the not-so-subtle jabs they're taking at Liam when it comes to Lily, it's hilarious. I can't even handle the humor right now (then again, I'm way too immature to handle dirty jokes). It was good, I liked it.

Overall, I think you really need to work on your comma placement; sometimes, you've got it, and sometimes, you don't. Also, some of the general grammar and word usage was off, but with a good beta, that can easily be fixed. You make several small mistakes; many of them aren't even glaring errors, they're just noticed if you're really looking for them more than anything. Other than the actual errors in the writing, you've managed to spin a good tale. It's intriguing, entertaining, and I'm interested to see what happens next to the characters. I'm definitely subscribing to this.

I love the new layout! It's super pretty! I also love the story haha. That Mina girl reminded me of someone I know in real life and omg i felt Lily's anger! Zayn's comment at the end, that made me laugh lol. Loved the update :)

d'aw, Liam.

I like it. I like how they met, because it is so much more then, "oh, yeah he picked me out of thousands of screaming girls at his concert and it was true love as soon as we made eye contact." It is interesting. Also, Lily's friends are jerks. I mean if they acted like that towards me and such, I would ditch them right then, so I don't know if that is unrealistic or if Lily is just super nice and forgiving.

Also, I love the fan girls. I mean I don't love them, but I like how you included them because that is very realistic. And the other boys, c: You got their attitudes and everything just right. You're writing was good, the layout was simple and nice, and I lahv it so far. Good work. c:

I only read the first two chapters but from what I've read, this has a great start. I adored the first chapter, I love how they met in a non-cliche way and I really like that he was the one to save her. Though I feel like her friends were a bit realistic, unless they're fake. I'm sure most people would at least try, despite the cold. Other than that, I think the characters are very realistic, especially the fan girls. I've been to quite a few venues for concerts and such, and that truly is how they act. It's hysterical.

In the first chapter, I found two mistakes:
My body was was frozen, but my mouth was not.
You put was twice.

I cried out and Kat screamed at my to hold on.
I believe "my" should be "me."

Other than a few misplaced or missing commas, nothing else stuck out at me. This was wonderful and maybe I'll come back to read the rest and the future updates!

SORRY FOR COMMENTING SO LATE!
Since I am now a very faithful Directioner, I loved this to death. FUDGECAKES ;D I was listening to More Than This while reading this, and trust me, it added so much effect. This is beautiful, love.
First chapter: I love how Liam just saves Lily out of nowhere, then runs away. LIKE A BAWSS. And I really think your writing is improving really quickly. I like the details here, simple but effective. (oh look at me, quoting Harry)
Second chapter: I'm lovin' the frustration here. Tehehe <3 This is so cute, Liam especially! But, really, the girls' jealousy are kind of annoying. Can't Liam meet a girl without any background voices protesting?
Third chapter: Ahh, the other boys. I could melt just reading this (( : Cute ol' Louis. Smexy Zayn. Food-loving Niall. Sweet Liam. And lastly, Harry, the lady's man.
Fourth chapter: She's a waitress? I like waitress characters! For no apparent reason. And of course, the guys appear here. I love how Louis is always the one to speak first with his hyperactiveness. This story has been a great start (( : Keep it up!!

I really like this so far! It was so sweet how Liam saved her twice! I'm totally subbing! :)

I really like this so far! It was so sweet how Liam saved her twice! I'm totally subbing! :)

Ooh, I L♥V3 this & I absolutely L♥V3 Liam Payne!
U've got to write more of this, dudette, u just got to! =)