Dear God, Why Me? - Comments

"“Fuck you Marrkus. Ever heard of sleep?” I rolled to the edge of the bed. But I wasn’t quick enough ‘cause Marrkus thought it was a good idea to push me all the way off."
I don't really understand what your saying by push you all the way off, please be more descriptive

You used Verionica twice instead of Victoria... Whatever its still really good.

I want Andrew and Victoria together!!!!

definitely excited for the next chapter=)

Awww its all so cute :D

okay i been reading this for two days and didn't want to comment till i was done. but i absolutely, positively freaking love this story. please hurry and update.

okay i been reading this for two days and didn't want to comment till i was done. but i absolutely, positively freaking love this story. please hurry and update.

I just started reading this and love it so far. Can't wait to see what happens!

Awh, Carson~

HEY, I'M READING AND IT'S AWESOME. c:

Summary: It's interesting but there was a few mistakes. The biggest one I want to point out is this

Victoria a junior in high school just got done going through some hard times - you should have a comma after Victoria's name and after school to show that you're just inserting a fact, not changing the sentence because the way you have it now doesn't make sense.

Also, the flow is kind of choppy.

But as far as summaries go? I have to say that you're one of the few people that actually do summaries that really describe the story (even I don't do that) and that is pretty cool. Kudos.

Suggestion(s): - I would not include the grades of Victoria's friends or brother, I'd say Victoria's older brother and for her friends -- if you plan to use a grade setting, they'll be included inside the story. They aren't the main character, thus not the main focus.
- Don't use the nicknames in the summary, use Victoria/she/her because as of right now we (the readers) have no idea who Vee is.

The First Chapter: I like it, different but at the same time it reminds me of a lot of YA books I like which is very cool. You definitely made it sound worse than it is in your journal, bb. You need to go back in and adjust spacing in a few spots.

I wouldn't include the Spanish translations in the story, but in the notes at the end because then it seems like the character is actually saying the Spanish and the English.

Like with your summary, the flow is choppy but it's there, you just need to adjust commas and semi colans to get it all to flow together with a nice neat bow.

Your spelling is fine, you do complete sentences, there were a few you could have combined with a semi and I saw twice where you needed a colan. You should also try writing out the numbers instead of just putting the number (ie. 5 or 6).

The only true fault I found was that I felt no connection with Victoria. When I read I always try to find ways to connect with the character -- how well does the author tell me about him/her. I feel almost nothing for her because I don't know her. Maybe it's because it's only the first chapter? But I just keep going back to the paragraph where you talk about her friends, her likes and her dead beat brother and it just seems very distant to me. Like I said though, it could be the first chapter or, it could just be me. It's been a very long time since I've read something in first person.

Hope I've been some help (and please don't take anything I say too harshly, I mean it with best interests of help and if anything upsets you, you can beat me with a frying pan or stick french fries up my nose). Good luck ducky!

xox

I like how you gave links to what they looked like and what they're wearing!! Cool story. I wonder what's going to happen at the party?

It's not as bad as you made it out to be in your journal. Admittedly, there are quite a few flaws, but those can be forgiven. I think the story sounds more like a narration, but that may just be because this is the beginning of the story and the foundation still needs to be set up. On another note, I think one way to really take the story another level would be to insert something to really make the main character stand out. I don't know what you would do, but right now she paradoxically feels a little average but unreal.
Somehow, I feel I sound harsher than what I mean, but you did ask for brutality. I'm definitely going to subscribe and see where you go with this story.

BTW, I like how you link us to their outfits. It's a nice visual compliment.

i like it. i want to know what goes down at the party. i like the hook and follow-through. i like the easy read layout, and i love the title. if it became a novel i could see it as a young adult read.great job!