February 29th, 2012 at 04:22am
Aww... its sad this story is gonna end but I can't wait for this sequel!
All I want to know before this story ends is how Joshua is doing...
I've read some of your stories like Sunday Bloody Sunday and As I'm Pacing the Pews and I'd like to say you are an awesome writer!
This story is one of the few that I have stuck with since the begining!
You're a great writer and I hope you don't stop writing :) Can't wait for the next update!
Also, and this is just a personal opinion, this line seems to stand out and not really match well. " Perhaps it was the amazing scenery that grew around the town now that the sailors weren't wrecking it constantly, or the fact that three months had already passed and Rowan had called him just last night to say that the process would be finished a bit earlier, that distracted him from paying attention in class."
It just seems to interrupt everything. Probably just a personal opinion, however, and it's not that big an annoyance.
I like how Beau went to leave Joshua roses. Despite being such a tiny action when Joshua is as injured as he is, it really reminds you of the situation. It seems like in the third chapter, though, that the transition into the present isn't very smooth. It seems a bit jumpy. The third chapter itself, though, I feel is excellent. It highlights how much pain Beau would be in. I feel like even if he had taken his medicine, he'd still be in a bit of pain. Medication can take the edge off, but it won't ever fully solve anything. I'm really glad that you showed that in this chapter.
I love how the girl in class is very cliche. She just asks him all the questions you would expect. She's so typical, but it just adds to the situation as a whole. I'm not how sure I like that you had the characters point out the president's mysteriousness.... It makes it a bit unreal. Although obviously, humans are always fighting for a rebellion and questioning high authority's decisions, I don't think this was a great way to explain her actions. They could mention the upcoming election, like you had them do, but I personally think if it were left up to the readers to figure out, it would have been a bit better.
This is the part that I absolutely do not like. When Beau tells her all those things, getting angry and explaining the whole situation that happened to him.... I'm going to be honest. I hate it. It just seems like you couldn't have come up with a different way for Beau to explain his thoughts and emotions. Those lines, if he wouldn't have spoken them to that girl in those exact words, would have given such a dramatic and impacting effect. In the way that you've used them here, I think it just... fizzles. Badly. But perhaps I'm making a big deal out of this. Either way, this is my honest opinion.
Also: Beau realizes he went too far with the girl. She was just another curious person. You changed the verb-tense there. I think it should be Beau realized he went too far with the girl.
I love how Aberdeen has the personality that she does. I've been in health science classes (for potential nurses, doctors, etc,) and it seems they instill into your brain that every single patient should be treated the same regardless. It fits with a nurse perfectly. I just love that. She's easily one of my favorite characters just because of how you fit this with her. I do like how she treats Beau and tries to calm him down without babying him.... It really fits her very, very well.
Also, although insignificant, I love how when Beau goes to stand up in the nurse's office, his bad leg gives out. Having had experience with a minor injured leg, I know just how crippling it can be when you have one. It's debilitating. Even if Beau has seemingly barely used it in this chapter, it works very well that you've done this.
The part when Beau is going home, I love. It really shows Adrian's "shell-shock," if you will. He's still very mentally traumatized from his experiences and this is reflecting those post traumatic stress symptoms. It's great that you added this in.
The first few paragraphs right after Beau's fight with his mother are great. I love how he hears the nightmares after he sleeps and how you describe the pain he feels. The paranoia bit (Beau knowing anyonle could hurt him after his experience with the Capitol, when he opens the door,) is also a favorite of mine. It really makes his feelings stand out, much like previously stated. The bit showing how lazy Beau's gotten (the take-out food, lack of drinking coffee, etc.) is also a good example of this.
I feel indifferent about the part with Ethylon. The dialogue is very fitting and shows how both of them have changed as characters so far. You do amazing characterization. (:
I'm not so sure I liked the ending of this chapter. It was dull. There isn't much of a hook to keep you hanging for the next chapter. It just ends. Granted, since with all the drama with Joshua, readers are dying to know what happens. But I feel like this is the kind of situation where you know he'll come out okay. Perhaps that's just the way I feel, but I don't feel much of an edge.
I was also disappointed not to hear from Drew. With all the things going on thus far, and with Beau's horrible physical, mental, and emotional state, I would think Drew would be quite concerned. Although Drew and Beau don't have a very personal relationship, I still think adding him in would have been very fitting.
All in all, this chapter wasn't one of the best, I don't think. It was good, yes, and parts of it were brilliant - but as a whole, it was a bit disappointing, especially since I think the chapters spent as prisoners under Mr. Rager were some of the best. Still, I'm anxious for the next chapter, and I can't wait to read it.
And, once again - sorry for the huge comment. I tend to overdo reviews.